Much Ado About Nothing

I sighed, "I need to love myself better". 

On the wee hours of a Sunday morning, I found myself doomscrolling again. Attention caught by these seconds of entertainment, emotions wheeling from "aww, that's cute" to "what the~" to all other possible feelings one could summon... in a few minutes. This has been going on for quite a while now.

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It hasn't always been these short reels though, there'd have been those times I'd see an informational video that would lead me down into a rabbit hole only for me to end up not doing what I intended to do for that chunk of the day. Or those times when I'd turn on my phone to message someone, only to get harnessed by these colorfully stimulating videos, with me ending up forgetting whom I was supposed to talk to. "Bakit nga ako nagbukas ng phone?"  

Oh, these tidbits of a virtual world that feign existence! 

What would have I wanted to do if there's no work for me to do? In my head, I dream of prairies of words and streams of art. There's always this hope to read all I want to read when time permits me to. There's always this hope to create something and just get that imagination candle lit up. Oh, the notable films and works that I could immerse myself into. 

The other day at the university (where I work part-time), I had the chance to have a table talk with some of our veteran professors. Well, we've always had discussions on various dealings, where I've usually just been a listener, but this particular talk was memorable to me. It was about the black-and-white films of the old days! I was caught into the conversation because I used to love watching the older films. There were even celebrity filmographies and lists I used as my reference to my film marathons, when I was still in my teens. Just thinking about it now reminds me of the delight I was in when I'd be immersed into my films. Anyway, I was just so glad to have had significant contributions to the conversation because well, I really was interested in the subject. One of the professors even told us that he would just go on his movie marathons renting videos on Youtube to seize his days. 

At that point, envy grew in me. I envied the veteran professors whose attention spans can hold watching movie marathons. I envied my old self who was able to sustain interest in things. What beautiful brains might these be, to be able to live in the moment and to remain living in the moment. 

When I think of how I let my brain rot, I realized that I do not seem to care about me. When I should have been shaping my brain breathe, I let tricks and ploys captivate it. When it should have been resting, I keep it stimulated, letting all its activities sap the energy out of me. 

Thus, I need to love myself better. 

I thought about this when I found myself doomscrolling again just a few hours ago. Oh, the urge to even not let my phone in the way as I finish this post (I did succumb to it once, for a minute). 

I wonder now what I should do. And allow me to identify my resolve, that I may trace the path to it as I proceed towards the weeks to come. 

I vow to (HAHA):

- water my brain garden by reading books instead of using my phone when I have gaps in the day.

- let my thought vines crawl seamlessly by writing the immediate contemplations that express my feelings and curiosities. 

- study the skies and the birds when none of the prior commitments seem to hold my attention, because if I must be bored, I must allow myself to be entertained by the gifts of our nature.

- let the sunlight in by delving into physical activities, such as walking and/or running.

- love myself better by letting every unit of my system seize the day and remain in it. 

I do not know who I would be in the following hours. Of course, there is no way of telling how long until I get these mastered or if I'd even try (sorry na agad, Skate). But probably, as long as there's intention, my hopes may still be realized.