September Woke Me Up

The past month has not been exactly jelly and cakes. There have been a lot of things going on, and I feel like I am losing track of myself.

A lot of things about me had been revealed to me. And I don't know how to absorb and reflect on these things when other things are happening with all these realizations. It has just been crazy. And I have to admit that, personally, I am sliding through it. I am back to my wandering tendencies. Ugh that's a disease that I can't get off me. Really.

Some stuff about my life... recently.

1.When I'm at the beginning of whatever I am doing, I can be so hyped, I can even die of busyness. And when I got the hang of it, I just... well, I slowly decline in whatever I am doing.

2. Then, there have been these heart dealings that I have to face. Unresolved issues from deep within that keep on resurfacing at the occurrences of triggers. And just when I thought that I am completely over these worthless and useless feelings, they'll just keep rushing back to me again--making me feel like a complete idiot. I don't like feeling helpless when it comes to controlling my heart from its outbursts, but it turns out that I do feel that way and it hurts my pride to be so immobile from all my um, well, feelings.

3. For once in my life, I seriously want to grow up...

I want to allow something greater than me to allow me to experience that supernatural transformation I can't get from myself. Because try as I may, I cannot.

"You have to start growing as a woman..." someone told me. And yea, precisely, well-said, just the right words. But how? It's something that I have to journey upon.

Being transformed doesn't happen in a click, I know. But I just realized that I am very childish and immature in a lot of ways. Mostly, with how I deal with my life. I just want to take my life seriously from this day onward. 

I am now growing older, and I should grow up! I should make an effort to subject myself under things which I am not comfortable being acquainted with. I should make use of my time wisely. I should make use of my resources wisely. I should make use of my life wisely.

Really.

4. IT IS NOT EASY. I can take challenges very seriously, you know. I can survive through them. I am not afraid of doing things which are difficult (according to human stereotypes). But in my desire to live a life of extremes and adrenaline rushes, I overlooked the basics that I should first deal with. I overlooked going through the easy parts first, that now, it is a challenge for me to go through them. And it's like I'm being pulled back to face them! And IT IS NOT EASY. I find them utterly boring, they kill me to my veins. But I have to face THEM.

5. I have to start loving myself in a deeper and more meaningful way.

I thought that being involved and committed in other people's lives is a way of living it. Giving my time for their consumption, allowing people to just overlook how I feel, allowing people to think that I can take in whatever--that I have a steel heart, just really overlooking myself in a desire to attend to other people's lives.

In my journey with life lately, I have been realizing how much in need of love I am. I forgot that I, too, have a space in my heart which is in need of affirmation and understanding. I've always been used to believing that people can do anything to me and it won't ever affect me, or people can just ignore me and it's completely okay, but lately, I have been realizing how I seek accountability, how much in need of "How are you?s" I am.

It's crazy because I feel like I am bothering people seeking those things, and I want to play smart and all grownup in this matter, but this is something I have to learn yet.

Basically, the past weeks reminded me some of the things that I should know but keep on skipping and forgetting.

I have to start considering the smallest things I do.
 I have to start getting in touch with my heart. 
I have to start being committed to my growth. 
I have to learn how to love myself and how to healthily accept love from others. 
I have to take life slowly, to ponder upon mysteries and discoveries. 
I have to live a life worship even through my weaknesses.

Wake me up when September starts

So, hello, September! Before September 1st formally leaves, I wanna write why I am so excited for September that I can't just sleep it away.

Been waiting for September ever since I found out that the Manila International Book Fair would be happening this month (September 11-15). I am not an MIBF resident, and this will be my very first time, that's why I am verrry excited about it. After my first MIBF visit, I want it to be an annual tradition of mine, so I am hoping for a rrrreally fun first book fair adventure. Waha.

And cool and happy things just added up to my Septemberrific list.

Ok, so I need to breathe in and breathe out because Relient K is coming to town!!!! Oh yeah. I have never been to a band concert before, so this is supposed to be another first for me. And ain't I so excited?! I literally wanted to cry when I found out that Relient K will be in Manila this September because I haven't expected it, as they are not that known here in Pinas, and they're not even popular for being non-mainstream.  So, I. AM. SO. GLAD.

I promised myself before that if ever Relient K would be coming here in the Philippines, I surely won't miss it.   Because I missed a lot of other bands I like already (eg Switchfoot, The Fray, Lifehouse, etc). Relient K will be here for three days and ofcurz, I'll be going at the nearest Ayala Mall which is Tri Noma. Oh, oh, I hope that the tix won't be too much since I am not so prepped for it.

Yeah, along with these cool things, I was also waiting for the Food for the Hungry Fun Run but, it was rescheduled, or so I didn't expect it to be on an earlier date (which was a while ago), I wasn't able to run. Huhu. I was expecting it to be my first fun run, too. Poor me, haven't been to any fun runs yet (sigh)

Ha! And my best friend's 20th will be in this month also. Haha. I am hoping for a big day with my high school barkada since I haven't seen them in a while.

And a lot of other small events are happening.

Oh, I just mentioned the super happy things, but I know that my bloody weeks are yet to fill this month. The busiest weeks of this semester are supposedly in this month, so it is just another reason why we can't sleep the month away. I am really really hoping for the best, as our Experimental Psychology will be starting conducting Psych experiments after next week already. Oh gollybears. But this experiment-- I am really, really excited forreeet. It makes me feel like I am a legit Psych student now. I am hoping we can do well with this. Haha

I am now imagining how crazy this month might be. (That is why, a huge part of me, imagines that the busyness would strip some of my weight off ha ha ha ha). But it's okay! I am going to give September my best shot, so that I'll have a very fine Octoberrest. :) Hihihi.

No need to wake me up when September ends, because I'll be kicking alive 'til this month ends. Yaha. Okay. (that must be so cheesy)