What I Wanted To Say

I wanna talk. And say things. But it feels like all these thoughts are entangled in my head. I resolved to just write them, but it's crazy, because it feels like I need to come up with an outline just to produce something which makes sense. There's just too much in so little.

Would you mind if you just stay here for a whi

I like remembering your smile--that which annoys me hundred times...

I don't wanna talk about this...

But it annoys me that nothing seems therapeutic enough to let me get over these thoughts with--

I'm having this internal battle. I think I'm headed to being crazy. Oh, I think. I already am there.

I cannot measure the days as to something which is equivalent to the capacity to move forward. For as I have proven, and despite that I tried to forget all about it, to feel different, despite that this disgusts me on a VERY HIGH level, I still find myself lingering over things about---

Your very presence--that which I look for--annoys me. So deeply. Am I a fool?

And I feel like I have been linking myself with the things I should have been avoiding. Darn the holes.

I've been trying to come up with a riddle-ish set of words, but this time, I just wanna be straightforward and be honest about matters.

I feel like I've l---d and lost, and I'm still losing. Without even giving. Please.

I just have to breathe in deeply most times and try to exhale it all out. But it's so crazy because hardest might I try, it remains.

I miss you. And I couldn't miss you better than when you're in front of me, yet you still are so distant. 

Again, I wanna quit on talking about this.

But I feel like I have to.

I might just have to stop here.


PS, Skate Penny going hopelessly (shamelessly) hopeless over something called---

Seriously

There are times really when things happens and you just wanta say ____ all like all these are really crazy and you just wanta let life’s ongoings end in a click like the streets are dashing before you instead of you in them, like you have so many things happening and you don’t have an idea where all these things are going, and you are waiting for someone to turn up and just appear in front of you but that someone won’t appear, and that someone asked you to stay up with them, but turns out that someone is already hanging out with other people. Crazy stuff happen like when you just ask someone something that someone borrowed from you and it’s just gonna be like you’re the one who’s being done the favor for, I mean what! You unappreciative person. I like the word defective—you defective! Anyway, and then you’re gonna wait for someone to tell you howta do things because you’re as clueless as a newborn, and you can’t start because that someone won’t tell you how and you’re gonna be like “Is that so hard?” when the matter’s not really difficult at all. And you know that you're only gonna be able to do that unless that someone tells you how and you feel like you're the only one who is really concerned 'bout getting the work done, like this is all crazy. 

Imagine being stuck with a series of to-do's and you just don't know how to fit all of it in your time. It is really very difficult. Shoot 'em all, you wanna do but 'fcourse you can't! Hello, you can't. Just tease them all in your head that's what you're gonna do because it's all you can do like it's the only doable thing in the world. And then, you're ranting like this but you don't want anyone to see that you're ranting this violently on your laptop but then someone would suddenly see you and then you'll be in secret panic to transfer the "tab" you're on. Like being in college will allow you to live. And like you have so much to do but then you can't do anything OR you're not really doing anything at all. And then, someone would pop into your mind again, and you'll want that someone to just suddenly appear but then you don't wanta, because it'd be for nothing. It is useless and senseless, and that you just dismiss these stupid thoughts, and tell yourself that you're better off by yourself, dreamy, and wanting to go to places. And then, yer gonna realize that all these are just er. Anyway, I'm just saying. 

Playing Silence

A just wondering post...

Well, last week, I was cramming in reviewing for a quiz, and I badly wanted to focus on whatever I was studying. The bad thing in cramming though, is that you're trying to hurry to catch up with time (that you wasted and let go), while information is not that easy to be understood as when you have enough time to, you know, ponder and study your lessons. So, in short, I was having a bad time understanding whatever it was I was studying while running after time... and worse? humans around.

I like studying or spending time in the building's visiting area because the air's pretty cool out there but the heartbreaking part is I cannot completely study there because it was so noisy, with the noise coming from the building's citizens. Result: ultra mega bad mood.

And because my already bad mood was already overlapped with difficulty in understanding whatever I was studying, I wanted to freak out in front of all of these people and tell them "Can't you see I'm studying? Will you guys shut up?!" with a matching awesome walkout back to our apartment unit. But, of course, those are just the things of the "id", as Freud coined it. My "superego" prevented me from doing anything silly, and so, certain things ran through my mind, and one of them is the prayer for silence. 

Is there any music called SILENCE?

That when you put your earphones on and play it, there would be nothing but silence?

That when you take one of the earphones off from one of your ears, the noise would resume, and that when you put it back to your ear, there would be total silence.

And, what would happen if you raise the volumes of "silence"? Oh well, thoughts! I mean didn't anybody else think of that before, I guess somebody would have already imagined that.

Would anybody buy an album, entitled "The No Music Music"? From which people would hear different arrangements of silence.

Umm...

Anyway, in some Psychology studies, they use a, I think, static sound, a very, very loud one to eliminate all other sounds, but I don't like the feels of that...

Another thing, there's a study, I can't remember from where was that, wherein the experimenters tried to limit the use of senses of the subjects and what happened was the subjects hallucinated, so I think it is not a perfect idea to actually eliminate sounds, right? But still!

Sometimes, we just need the feeling of being able to depart from other things to be able to do what we ought to do, right right right? We humans need to experience being with ourselves, not always, but on some times. So, it's really good if there is this amazing stuff like this!

Oh well, but of course, the main lesson I learned here is not being able to create silence, which is, actually not my forte--inventing. I learned that I should study earlier, especially when I got enough time.

Randorm thoughts.

Just wondered, anyway...