Stuck Home, Journey Back home

WARNING: LONG POST. 

Shortcut: Just read the paragraphs in bold at the bottom of the post, if you're needing any inspiration. (But if you're up for some journal stuff, then, you have the whole one)

Doors shut, smiles covered, skins distant. In one snap, the whole world changed. Just like that. 

I have watched the decline of everything, with hopes that it would lack permanency, that all these are but for a moment. Just a minute, just a couple of weeks, just a couple of months, just for some time. In the beginning of the community quarantine, I was in awe of the effect of the virus, invisible as it may seem, it felt to me like a giant octopus with all its tentacles simultaneously shutting down everything we know, leaving a few doors thriving. 

Personally, it drove me into an internal gray. Prior to this, I was starting a business, trying to balance my regular routine with new activities, helping organize a summer missions project, and meeting up with friends. Everything seemed promising, until the announcements were made. We had to make decisions. For me, the decision-making process was the difficult part. It wasn't like there was much to decide on, everything was declared by the government, we just have to conform our schedules to it and align our hearts to the change that is about. 

I tried to respond positively but there was retaliation within. Staying home is not a problem with me, it was just it was difficult for me to do if it wasn't me who really decided and planned to not go out. But I knew I had to honor that. I wasn't fearful for myself mostly, I was afraid I'd communicate sickness and hurt people if I do anything reckless. 

For the first few days, it was hard, until my body and mind learned the new routine. "Okay. I am staying home. I am favored to have shelter and food. I am privileged to have avenues for entertainment." So, my internals were starting to concede to the new system. For the next couple of weeks after that, I became okay. Totally. I decided to go on a social media detox which was extremely helpful for my mental health and I avoided communicating to friends online, not because I didn't wanna talk to them, but because the concept of instant messaging was draining me. 

Along the way, my body clock reversed. I spent the early hours of the new day watching anime and dozing off with thoughts of my past. The wee hours of the morning became sanctuary for my unintentional self-therapy sessions. It can be annoying to confront things I put aside, but then they keep coming back, compelling me to give them more attention, maybe, so that I could totally be over with them. 

Then, there's being 24/7 with my family, which I have not done in a long, long while. I mean, yes, I spend time with them, but not to this extent. There are times when we could really rub against each other over the little things. Adjustments were to be made. Responsibilities needed to be taken. 

Oh, and there's the looming uncertainty. The constant question has been, "Until when?". Who knows? Everyone in the medical and research field has been doing their best and we are left to put our faith on our frontliners who have been serving beyond their capacity. Is there still room to anticipate? 

I started putting my heart against waiting. What would be its use? I guess that the thoughts that run in my heart when I wait become all selfish. "When will I get to eat out again?" "I would love to buy a few stuff (unrelated to basic needs) right now." "Man, I'd really love to go for a wild adventure, a hike or two this month." And so on. All this time, my waiting is for myself. 

Then, I start to read the news and the recent researches. The virus is bound to stay longer, etc. People are having their "new normal resolutions". Lifestyles are threatened to remain drastically changing, we would have to own up new schedules. So, can I share a hug with a close friend? Can I use utensils in public places? I am not the most conscientious person in the room and the thought of being extra careful spells struggle to me. How can I do it? I fear that if I fail to be extra careful, I'd carry this virus to others. 

Wanting to meet personal goals and productivity at this time starts to kill me as well. I feel like I need to be able to tell myself that I was able to seize my quarantined days well, that I was able to accomplish goals and that I became a better version of myself after! Because who is not trying? 

But right now, with all these thoughts triggered again, after the announcement of another extension of community quarantine, I choose to let them go. 

Earlier, before writing, I prayed and started listing down priorities for myself. Whatever these simple priorities might be, they were to help shape my schedule and life for the following weeks. But if I wouldn't be able to follow them, it should be definitely be alright, because why not? 

To be responsible and to extend my hand when necessary could be enough. I admit that there's a weakness to my mental health that I have to address and that, at this time, I am not limitless. But regardless, I can still find worth in who I am.

This time of staying home has been bringing up things that are ugly and that are taking a toll on my sense of peacefulness, but I train myself to converse with these issues. I could definitely quiet them. This time, I could shred off all the things and fears that don't matter. I could honor my heart's core by looking within and focusing on what matters most. 

What I am discovering now is who I am in time of chaos. There are memories that wave at me, calling my attention. The time we are granted can be a gift to journey back home, back within ourselves, to reevaluate our priorities, to criticize our pride, to enlighten our confusions.

Each one of us may have our own patterns right now, but I know that all of us find struggles at this time. It will definitely not get any easier, but I learned to assess what the situation teaches me. Knowing this doesn't necessarily help me find the cure, but it helps me to manage all these disorganized piles of uncertainties and plans. 

It is gonna be alright. Things will brighten up again. Faith will begin to make more sense now. Let's be there when the clouds reveal the sunshine again. 

That thing that went wrong

I'm still trying to wheel myself forward and away from "it". I don't understand what's got me stuck. With friends around and with all these stuff in my plate, I really should have had a nice groove out of "it" already, but well, I'm still here and the rage in me is um, stronger than before. I don't really like feeling this way. My friends may be getting tired of me being and acting this way. They want me to not be like this because "it" was all crap in the first place.

But I started to hate opening my eyes and waking up to these weird feelings in my chest, especially whenever I wake up from my afternoon naps. Just every time, I feel an emptiness that I am trying to solve. And I always trace back the solitude to "it". "It" and everything about "it".

The youth of my heart and the lack of its knowledge on "it" may be the reason why I could hardly strut out of my emotions. I am trying to understand if ever there's anyone to blame for all these. But no, I don't know. Should I blame myself for being so vulnerable to "it"? Should I blame my foolishness (which I shall never label innocence) or does this happen a million times a day to different girls/ladies/women under the sun? Should I blame... because... was just trying to pave... way out of the loneliness... is trapped into? Was it really just mere loneliness or was it mixed with full knowledge on all of it, with a destructive plan for deception?

I don't find any conscious effort to forget effective so my main technique these days is quite aversive. I may be exposing myself to all these stimuli that tap memory perceptors that open and retrieve recorded files, and the recorded emotions with them. I do these to flood myself until the feelings got satiated and until I get used to the worst reminders and until I feel nothing for  them anymore. I don't know if what I'm doing is effective, because this may be called "torture" in other languages. This doesn't make me wanna move forward in reality, it makes me want to go back to "it" and just revise whatever's conspired but no, no, no. Please, not just yet. Ughh I really don't know what to do anymooooore.

Anyway, I know that this happened bajillion times in this planet already. One crying heart because of "it" is not news and not fatal. We all know that these cases always end up in either two roads only: the "moved-on" road or the "forever-stuck-because-I'm-a-crazy-fool-I-don't-wanna-go-anywhere-else-but-here" road. I have a very interesting and fun life to end up in the second road, of course. I am quite sure, though I have no vision for the future, that I'd end up in the first one. But it's quite bloody getting there. It's not easy. Golly, why was I born being so sentimental and vulnerable! This becomes a problem when "it" is already in the third stage of the tie, but I was only in the a-fourth stage of it all! Sauced barbecue! I am crazy.

Okay. Thanks. Bye.