Once, it has been a decade

You are 19, Jennifer Lawrence is bagging her awards from the Oscars, you were discovering Bon Iver and music that sounds like him, e-books are easily downloadable, Tumblr and Pinterest became your virtual world. You are one year into writing on your blogger site, a half-decade late from when the pioneers began. The world looks terribly calm and generous. It is not huge and yet it is not small. It is deep and it is not condemning. You hunger for saltwater every now and then, you cannot always go when you wish to. But at least, the lush greens around you makes a pact of beauty with you. Here in this world, no one knows you. Fiction is your best friend. The world unfolds and you are taking it a laugh at a time, one day at a time. 

The real world is extending its hands towards you, but it cannot touch you yet. Not yet. But it is so close. You cannot see it yet. Not yet. But soon, its form will confront you. 

How did you dream then? Do you still remember? Do you remember the scent of the winds? You thought it would last forever. You thought that you were getting the best out of life because you were in the middle, halfway through everything. You were not at the beginning, you were not yet at your destination. For some reason, it was the best weather you were under. 

How did you talk then? Do you still remember? Do you remember the way words were woven into your heart? You thought it was the maximum. You were glad, but you feared that there's nothing to grow anymore. You had this assumption that you were living the best life yet because everything seemed so colorful, everything seemed perfectly created for your heart. No one knew it then, but you were satisfied. You thought that it was enough. 

Fiction was your best friend. That should have been enough. But the real world was extending its hands towards you. 

No one would be able to stop it. No one was able to stop it. No one stopped it. 

-

You are almost 29, Asians are bagging awards from the Oscars, you are discovering children's music, files are easily downloadable, your responsibilities are your world. You are one year away from your next transitions in your career, a half-decade late from whoever went ahead. The world looks terribly... terribly. It is huge and yet it is small. It is high and it is scary. You hunger for slumber every now and then, you cannot always do it when you wish to. But at least, the lush greens around you makes a pact of beauty with us. 

Here in this world, someone may know you. Fiction is an old friend. The world unfolds and you are running with it two seconds at a time, two days at a time. 

Fiction is extending its hands towards you, but you cannot touch it yet. 

How do you dream now? How do you talk now?

Beginning Anew

Today, a day that is non-incidental to any of significance, I claim that a new year begins. 

via

It is not that I would like to veer away from the beauty of the recent days that have passed. In contrary, I have found multiple opportunities to rejoice and consider greatness, for miracles have unfolded before my very eyes. It is just that I desire to fully embrace this season and make fruitful out of it. It is in great excitement and gratitude that this new year begins, so that I could treat it with a renewed mind and renewed ways of approaching it. 

For what does the newness entail, but that of replacement of things past and of seizing things present? It is that of each phase the moon undergoes. It is that of each path the strong winds walk. 

What belongs to the new then? Wouldn't it be filled with new hopes accompanied by new plans? That instead of waking up at 7:00 in the morning, I vow to start my day at 5:00, before the sun rises. In this hour, I would praise the Creator with waking roosters and chirping birds. To which He would respond with light that pierces through the glasses of my home. 

That instead of browsing through my electronics in every space between (and more times, within) activities, I would resolve to thoughtfulness and to listening. That I would not consume images and stories that are unnecessary. This reminds me of when C. S. Lewis told Walter Hooper that not reading newspapers is "how I keep myself unspotted from the world." It is not that I would embrace ignorance, but that I would limit the spaces for irrelevances, so that I could contain more of what is profound to me. 

Oh, and that instead of exchanging the fruits of my labor for momentary bliss sold by pleasurable packaging and words, I would store them for things that would last. 

What else in this newness do I want to exercise? Would I be able to follow my timetables as written? That I would learn to keep my vows to myself, so that my body and mind wouldn't scream at me for rejecting my own intentionality. 

That my thoughts that are to be formed may not be stifled by my laziness and complacency, always thinking that tomorrow may be a better day for me to do this and that. With that, here I say that I make a new oath to use this platform to release reveries (fiction or reality) twice in every week. 

My, my. Just thinking about these and just imagining how life would be, I get the discomfort that comes from starting anew. It is the fear that I would not be able to do as I said I would. But then, what makes me up but every substance that is human? With this, I know that growth would take a day at a time. With such wisdom comes grace to myself for her weaknesses and grace to time for its speed. 

As I write now, I am getting more minutes behind my schedule. Allow me to ink this with expectation that I will do well and that the beauty that comes out of my resolve would glow ever bright through me. 

The Faerie Realm

This morning, I got around to reminiscing my favorite indie folk artists
back when I was still in college. This got me back to thinking and
inspired me to envision my youth as one spent in the faerie realm. 

I once lived in a faerie realm. It was not that my daily occupations were all spent there, but it was that my heart and reveries were solely rested in that place, the home of a lining of my being.

There were different days to visit the lands, but it was when the rains were softly humming and the breeze was cold that the portals to the faerie realm would open wide and visible. On other days, when sunshine is about, the realm's gates are slightly ajar, accommodating only those who have dire need of it. 

How did it look like? How would I describe it, ah, but there is no much difference to what one would expect... There would be a strong mossy scent as one enters, especially when the rains have just poured. The greens almost covered the surfaces. But it wasn't just the greens, there were purples, blues, and yellows. And the reds are all on the corners--on the surfacing roots of trees, by the river banks, or by scattered rocks that are big enough for a seat--careful to not outshine the shy colors. The birds were writing sonnets and there were all sorts of tales to be heard. 

There are homes, too! But they are unlike the ones that we know. It would be difficult to describe them, lest one would sketch the outlines of these cabin-like, tree-like constructions. They were not humble, like what one would think would belong to the woodlands. They were majestic, pleasurable. They can house great parties and gatherings. None of these houses in the neighborhood resembled each other, but none of them overshadowed any other, as well. 

When a weary soul enters, a little dwarf would take his or her hand, leading the soul to the calm waters as a welcome gesture. Once he or she had a taste of the fresh waters, the colors around him or her would come to life. It would all be Beautiful. It would all be a beginning of a story. And surely, there will be renewal to that poor one's being. 

There are more stories to tell, but The Faerie Realm is such a treasure, one you would like to talk about and describe and yet, you would still long to keep discreet lying within your heart. 

I haven't visited in a while, but there were hums that knocked on my tired heart's doors. I then smelled the mossy scent that means the gates are near. Maybe I would like to be immersed for a moment, for a few minutes, for the time being. 

bye, 2020

here we are parting, to our wits' ends

as usual, as had been with the other years

with you, I've learned a different meaning to every rhyme,

have conquered more battles and have shifted dynamically 

the photos I have gathered were not more on the seas and the mountains

but are more of the people, the smiles and their tears, the longings and our desires

this year, I rediscovered childlike faith,

to believe even when my hands cannot do anything

to listen to the song there is when waiting--

because it is wonderful in its aches, truths, and surprises

my adventures were not in stretches and lengths, not on the roads

but were in depths, in insights, in learning, all within

a reroute to the self, to unravel each of my whys

and to make decisions in the present, to reflect my hopes for the future

to have resided inside also meant

I have written (and hidden) more words

and have read and acquainted myself with more books

than I've had in the last half-decade

in all that there is, I have realized gratitude

a new tune to it, a new form of it

that it doesn't rely on the circumstance

and it always, always rests on perspective

everyday, faith, hope, and love--

I realized, if breathed in and out makes one the most beautiful

that it makes the eyes see, the ears hear, and the heart feel

the greatest miracles ever told- that ever happened /even/ in the darkest of times

Stuck Home, Journey Back home

WARNING: LONG POST. 

Shortcut: Just read the paragraphs in bold at the bottom of the post, if you're needing any inspiration. (But if you're up for some journal stuff, then, you have the whole one)

Doors shut, smiles covered, skins distant. In one snap, the whole world changed. Just like that. 

I have watched the decline of everything, with hopes that it would lack permanency, that all these are but for a moment. Just a minute, just a couple of weeks, just a couple of months, just for some time. In the beginning of the community quarantine, I was in awe of the effect of the virus, invisible as it may seem, it felt to me like a giant octopus with all its tentacles simultaneously shutting down everything we know, leaving a few doors thriving. 

Personally, it drove me into an internal gray. Prior to this, I was starting a business, trying to balance my regular routine with new activities, helping organize a summer missions project, and meeting up with friends. Everything seemed promising, until the announcements were made. We had to make decisions. For me, the decision-making process was the difficult part. It wasn't like there was much to decide on, everything was declared by the government, we just have to conform our schedules to it and align our hearts to the change that is about. 

I tried to respond positively but there was retaliation within. Staying home is not a problem with me, it was just it was difficult for me to do if it wasn't me who really decided and planned to not go out. But I knew I had to honor that. I wasn't fearful for myself mostly, I was afraid I'd communicate sickness and hurt people if I do anything reckless. 

For the first few days, it was hard, until my body and mind learned the new routine. "Okay. I am staying home. I am favored to have shelter and food. I am privileged to have avenues for entertainment." So, my internals were starting to concede to the new system. For the next couple of weeks after that, I became okay. Totally. I decided to go on a social media detox which was extremely helpful for my mental health and I avoided communicating to friends online, not because I didn't wanna talk to them, but because the concept of instant messaging was draining me. 

Along the way, my body clock reversed. I spent the early hours of the new day watching anime and dozing off with thoughts of my past. The wee hours of the morning became sanctuary for my unintentional self-therapy sessions. It can be annoying to confront things I put aside, but then they keep coming back, compelling me to give them more attention, maybe, so that I could totally be over with them. 

Then, there's being 24/7 with my family, which I have not done in a long, long while. I mean, yes, I spend time with them, but not to this extent. There are times when we could really rub against each other over the little things. Adjustments were to be made. Responsibilities needed to be taken. 

Oh, and there's the looming uncertainty. The constant question has been, "Until when?". Who knows? Everyone in the medical and research field has been doing their best and we are left to put our faith on our frontliners who have been serving beyond their capacity. Is there still room to anticipate? 

I started putting my heart against waiting. What would be its use? I guess that the thoughts that run in my heart when I wait become all selfish. "When will I get to eat out again?" "I would love to buy a few stuff (unrelated to basic needs) right now." "Man, I'd really love to go for a wild adventure, a hike or two this month." And so on. All this time, my waiting is for myself. 

Then, I start to read the news and the recent researches. The virus is bound to stay longer, etc. People are having their "new normal resolutions". Lifestyles are threatened to remain drastically changing, we would have to own up new schedules. So, can I share a hug with a close friend? Can I use utensils in public places? I am not the most conscientious person in the room and the thought of being extra careful spells struggle to me. How can I do it? I fear that if I fail to be extra careful, I'd carry this virus to others. 

Wanting to meet personal goals and productivity at this time starts to kill me as well. I feel like I need to be able to tell myself that I was able to seize my quarantined days well, that I was able to accomplish goals and that I became a better version of myself after! Because who is not trying? 

But right now, with all these thoughts triggered again, after the announcement of another extension of community quarantine, I choose to let them go. 

Earlier, before writing, I prayed and started listing down priorities for myself. Whatever these simple priorities might be, they were to help shape my schedule and life for the following weeks. But if I wouldn't be able to follow them, it should be definitely be alright, because why not? 

To be responsible and to extend my hand when necessary could be enough. I admit that there's a weakness to my mental health that I have to address and that, at this time, I am not limitless. But regardless, I can still find worth in who I am.

This time of staying home has been bringing up things that are ugly and that are taking a toll on my sense of peacefulness, but I train myself to converse with these issues. I could definitely quiet them. This time, I could shred off all the things and fears that don't matter. I could honor my heart's core by looking within and focusing on what matters most. 

What I am discovering now is who I am in time of chaos. There are memories that wave at me, calling my attention. The time we are granted can be a gift to journey back home, back within ourselves, to reevaluate our priorities, to criticize our pride, to enlighten our confusions.

Each one of us may have our own patterns right now, but I know that all of us find struggles at this time. It will definitely not get any easier, but I learned to assess what the situation teaches me. Knowing this doesn't necessarily help me find the cure, but it helps me to manage all these disorganized piles of uncertainties and plans. 

It is gonna be alright. Things will brighten up again. Faith will begin to make more sense now. Let's be there when the clouds reveal the sunshine again. 

092319

What's been going on:

= /still/ adjusting in a new job and setup, 

trying to outgrow the things used to

learning a different language of love

= routine's been the most structured one for the last decade

/still/ finding way around

discoveries, humbling discoveries

= never thought of what might be /until these days/

paths have never been an issue /until these days/

options, choices, decisions

= recovering from wounds and pains

reconciling realities about self and the lies that deformed it

searching for the lost innocence on world and humanity

052219

Lately,
= still trying to find reasons for what had been and seeing almost the same shadows cast 
= the darkness is still, but the time is almost dawn, it could be a cause of fear, but the time is ripening
= words and gestures marred the heart-- frustrating dreams that are still unbirthed to, but the resort will always be another step forward, and then, another one
= beauty is relative, but... yes, beauty is relative
= Loneliness is friendly and its subtle smiles keep on bothering me, I would have wanted out, but the conversations with it are quite engaging
= cut ties and deep wounds are drying up
= the skies still close its light and later on, break out as it should

Some Words Long Overdue

It's a Sunday. Early in the day today,  I found myself translating other people's reflections to my own, and I remembered much about writing and expressing, later on finding myself moving along my keys writing these words. I thought of getting my morning chores done before proceeding to talking about what's been going on with me, but I thought better of it. Lately, it's been quite rare to find the words and I realized that I should succumb to their calling whenever they want to be squeezed out.

It has been too much contemplation and reflection on life's ongoings and the lack of it. I have been residing in a sanctuary, waiting to be refueled to get back to life and proper living. 2018 has been my greatest landslide yet, containing some of the biggest decisions in my life, a sickness that did its best to drain me of all my beauty (except that hope was kind of too stubborn it left some remnants in here), and realizations on humans and relations that kind of changed the way my life goes.

To be honest, I'm quite panicky writing this after what feels like endless yesterdays of darkness and dullness, that I'm not even sure if I'm familiar with the dynamics pre-existent on this realm, but here we go.

These are the inscriptions some of the shards of my heart have.

I have been losing my appetite for books. I have been trying to recollect myself to focus on one thing and yet, while my eyes do their best to keep rooted on the pages, my brain wills itself to wander around. It has been a torment to my being to change courses in life on a matter as deep as this, but I'm still not giving up on this one. Not as long as I can identify words and be identified with them.

Anxiety and depression are the daily battles I win over! Drastic is not enough of a word to describe the turns of events that occurred within and around my being ever since A&D chose to surface. There were moments when I felt alienated to my own skin and when I found myself treading upon roads of thorns and thistles... and yet, I am still here, trying not to make this thing the main thing about me.

I am dreaming... again. Finding myself rerouting or seeing new perspectives and it has been quite refreshing-- an oasis to my season. I am so thankful that the sun chooses to shine even when storms and winds come and go as casually as a neighbor bringing some tidings. There are so many things yet to happen and though there had been testimonies of people who gave in to their fears and that these surface my own fears, I try to block that noise out and focus on the beauty within.

Self-discovery is my current game. It gets surprising how effortless this has been, the way I'd go to my heart and perceive how it runs and processes information over, how it just chooses to let go or repress a feeling so strong yet so strange, or the way I look at myself when I let words go in rage or by impulse. I may have profiled too many people in the past and yet, the most confusing soul to comprehend is that one within my skin.

God has loved me with an everlasting love. It's not even a question of whether I'd survive apart from this knowledge. I am completely amazed at how I have been saved from those moments when giving up was a plan and when puzzles chose to be incomplete.


How do I find reasons to still be and to still do? It's impossible to even answer this at all. I would have wanted to be intelligent about it, but I remember those days I spent rolling on the bed, wishing that I'd be home to my heavenly dwelling, and thinking that the only success criterion of my days would be when I could take a bath and change my clothes... when my thoughts lacked reason and my heart lost chances. But this is one thing I'd say, I found my feet still walking even after it has raced on miles of wounds. I am alive and each day requires me to just report and go through the day in whatever form I could present myself with, may it be with my unkempt form or my calculated appearance. And each day that goes by, I find myself in a metamorphic process of becoming, in that, the way I drained of hope yesterday isn't the way I look at things today. There are reasons to thrive and be. Each pain that scratches me off my past reveals to me a new purpose at existence, and for now, I let these little reasons be big enough for me.

New year and other stuff new

via

010817

NP: Cheats music

It's been a while for some words.

It's been around, this so-called love.

It's been a ride with this existence, and yet there is more.

It's been a cry, oh you, Learning.

Currently:

= trusting the Author for greater things,

in the field where He has placed me,

knowing that expansion and growth

have been designed by Him alone

= taking on steps to a new kind of entanglement

that could be completely out

of what has been used to and exposed to

but believing for wonders and beauties in it

= trying to experience forgiveness

to self, to others, to circumstances

despite the difficulty

and the perceived impossibility of it

2018:

= more words written

to ink love and stories

to nurture the pen

to create without constraints

= more words read

to know and to hear

through stories seen

through other's minds

= more time with humans

to converse and exchange

to trust and to laugh

to live with a subject of the heart

= more time with self

to reflect and to be reminded

to nourish the soul

through thoughts hanging in the air

= more of the Creator

to defy self

to take greater steps

to live without limits

10/16/17

via

Monday. 

In a cafe somewhere in the city. 

Thinking and juggling thoughts in the head. 

Trying to squeeze colors out of the heart. 

Feeling sickly with all these nasal fluids spontaneously finding their way out. 

Lately, it feels like I'm stuck in the dusk. It feels like the day is always about to end and to transition to another day. I feel my heart running after the things I want to keep and hold still. I feel my hands trying to grasp after the things quickly fading. With all the things my being tries to comprehend, I am quite uncertain which will remain and last. There's some amount of tentativeness in all that there is. And although I want to keep what keeps my heart glad, there is an option to let go and let free the things I try so hard to store within. 

Growing up has been doing a fine job pruning and sharpening me-- the complex pains and accumulating struggles, the incomprehensible joys and satisfaction on the simple things, all these things lead me to my becoming. 

As I thrive on, I get to know more of my longings. I get to see the gaps that need filling in. There's always something. All the someones I meet along the way are pieces that get accounted in my totality. Everyday I become more of who I have always been designed to be.

Aspiring and dreaming have been the default. And somehow hoping and believing are the consolation and the comfort I'm still trying to find myself in. 

Dim Lights

(a "currently" kind of post)

= the skies have been changing their hues

 sometimes with a chance of rain

 together with a couple of teardrops

 or a bright shiny yellowy day

 in tandem with your tricky smiles

= time has made good out of its run

 never tired and always forward

 calling me to go after it 

 spoiling itself when it's not eating me up

 avoiding trivialities and always about

= the questions have all been used up

 willing to complete the whole of life a series

 with the answers still finding their way

 to be tossed up and to appear

 one day, always unexpected

= craving for freedom and beauty

 when realities fall somewhere in between

 imagination and memory

 when all is a haze and a daze

 while waiting for what follows after "therefore"

061617 Thoughts in longing

Of lives and puzzles

And of sorrows and longings

This being has tried to comprehend 

A great wondering

On how absence can launch the search

To that which once has been 

And that which has never been

Which is more to cause the emptiness?

The absence of what has just left

Or the nothingness of an idea

What lessons should be instilled?

Is there a should for a confused heart?

If maybe this being will turn back 

To all she has thought of once

And have stood upon,

Will the turmoil be straightened out

And the adventure be stilled?

As it goes by...

I would have written in riddles, in a form no one would understand. But somehow, I'm in the mood to be transparent (without really revealing much), and to not get into metaphors.

Life has been a little too swift as the year started. I don't know, it's not that I'm a slow person. I guess that if I would've wanted to, I could have got along well with the pace I'm with, but nah. There are just a lot of things happening, and the "fun" thing is that there are more things going on in my head: things to be thought over, things to deal with, things to live with, and stuff. And there's this tendency to just drift into the flow and just not think about anything and just get by it. The problem with this tendency though is as attractive as it may be, I don't have it. It's always a wishful thinking for me to want to just go with the flow.

But the wonderful thing here is that I'm learning. For real. I experience this character-building procedure in the most uncomfortable way I could have, but then, I benefit from it. I get so much from it. Not for the present me, probably, because she is the one going through the pain and discomfort. But yea, she'll have her future thanking her for being courageous through all of it. And I'm kind of looking forward to that. Yea. I just want to see that the end is not anywhere near, and that everything is an opportunity to grow and to be more of who I have been created to become. And I just try to be hopeful about the things, and I'm really really stretching my heart to just trust and believe that I am well-covered.

I just wanted to anecdote this freezing, boiling moment because this is how the year started for me. I'm not in the hopes though to let it continue on with this mood because as much as I am learning much, I also crave rest and calm for my heart. I hope I would be just fine. I believe I would be.

First of the last, 16th

It's midnight and I am actually putting off things that, I'm quite sure, should be addressed soon. There's just a lot of things going on and I need the evenings as time for me to pause and look at the life I lived for the day, to pause and look at the life created in other people's minds, to pause and try to figure out what to watch out for when the evening fades. This reminds me of how much I used to hate sleep. Sleep just makes life shorter, and it feels like I'm missing out on things when I doze off somewhere else. I've always wanted to explore and go beyond, that I just wonder if I'd ever acknowledge boundaries. And it feels like time is running--so for me to be able to push through, I dreamt of staying up late.

Today is a different story. I am here wishing there would be enough time for everything, and that there would be enough time to wander in dreams. I feel like I am in dire need of rest. Don't get me wrong though, I'm quite happy and satisfied with all the things in my hands and around me, I just feel like everything can be fast. I love speed and I love how easily I can get myself to another place in short spans of time, but there are times when I need to get a hold on what's happening. I tend to forget I have a beating heart and a breathing soul. I forget they need a while to take it all in. So, I just need to make time for them to get watered up and refreshed so I can battle on again for the day. Sleep isn't the solution for that for me. I don't get refreshed within with sleep. I regress back to my childish desires of wanting to not sleep whenever I have overslept, I have this tendency to hate myself for dozing off, making me miss out so much.

I would have loved the mornings to get on with my reflections, but I always try to catch up on daylight once the sun rises. And besides, the bustle starts early on the day here where I currently am. So, what I have to do is to let them all be off before I could start with my me-moments. I am actually just randomly thinking right now. I don't even know if I have any purpose as such for having these thoughts written, but then, I love my own battle against sleeping. And what I do instead when I miss it out.

I guess that's it for the thoughts tonight.

112616

After a long day (and week) of conversations 

and of running and of walking about, 

I find myself pondering upon 

the mysteries of growth and change. 

There is a handful of things 

I fail to comprehend, 

there is a certain extent of self-contempt 

that wracks my chest--

I am lost in a haze, 

blinded in a maze. 

The days 

have been demanding and requiring. 

I find myself looking from side to side, 

trying to gauge the measure of the path I'm on. 

I don't know. 

Within the dying hours, 

I reflect and fail to understand. 

Am I taking any step forward? 

Why does it seem like 

I am retracting back and again

to the point where I have been 

when I was younger? 

I feel squeezed in in this being 

that doesn't seem to grow. 

I need to let myself out. 

I need to see who I really am. 

Or am I now who I should be? 

And the only key to it is acceptance? 

It's a wonder, a trick, a riddle. 

The self 

is the most difficult puzzle 

to figure out, 

and I want a way to solve it. 

Because apart from learning 

the real deal within me, 

I will be found in sorrow. 

How does faith and love grow? 

How does hope get into completion? 

I don't understand 

but what I am most sure of is 

that acknowledgment of the state of the heart is 

the first step, 

all else is a blur, 

but I want to say 

that the journey is on--

I am going to allow myself 

to be more than my confusion and regrets, 

my wonders and retraces. 

110916

Early morning sun rises

To shine through 

The lids of the windows---

To coax a sleepy being

Out to stretch its limbs---

As it wonders about

The framework for its design

And as it marvels at

The timeline it is walking in---

Calling to mind 

What it has dreamed of

And what it has not meant--

Things beyond its length

Those which slip 

It towards to,

And off its ground.

The Ideal Life

Mode: Blabber

Okay. So. 22.

Yep. Life has been so fast. I feel like I'm understating everything, so... LIFE IS SO FAST. I couldn't find better words to describe how intense and rapid everything is for me at the moment. I am aching for a slow down. Nope, just kidding. 

I am 22 for 21 days now, and it feels so odd how I am just 22. Man! How could I be 22? I mean I've waited all my life for this time to happen, and yet here I am marveling at the fact that I'm actually 22. How could that be? I promise not to make sense in this post so...

I've always waited for this age to happen. It feels like when I turn 22, everything will blossom into an even more brighter theme, and that life would be as clear as the skies after a horrible storm. As if there would be a rainbow in it. Or something like that. And here I am gushing over the fact that I am 22 and I'm still a bummer in my bad days, and I am still a loose talker in my good ones. Come on, couldn't I be a better individual uniquely tailored for a beautiful and serene and gentle existence in this aged planet? 

And suddenly, everyone else's life looks much more ideal than mine. I mean everyone's that isn't mine. I feel so uncomfortable being in my own skin. I feel like wanting to run from everything and everyone if I could just do it. I feel like dropping stuff off for me to be able to flee from all these wretched circumstances, and however much I want to just be okay with all these things (aka life), I couldn't. And being aware of how I am feeling makes it all the worse. Because of course, my value is to choose to see the beauty in everything. So this existence tantrum is on me. 

It's actually very difficult, to be honest. Well, I know, it's just a phase. And while I'm on it, I wanna anecdote it, probably, to remind myself someday that THIS kind of fit happens. I'm having a fit over life, come on. And when I just get to the threshold of all these overthinking and babbling, I would have to just move on. Because this is the time in one's life when the only way is forward. Just one step away or backward could make me trip.

My words could be piercing, my actions could be destructive, and my thoughts could be catatonizing. And if I want to live the type of existence I would want to have, I'd have to make way for my heart to understand that things aren't the way they used to be. This is the time of my life when I'm going to be taken seriously. So everything that I produce would take effect on the creatures and circumstances it is delivered to. In short, I have to be careful. I have to embody the woman that I am, difficult as it is. Because I'm not a little girl anymore. My decisions aren't trial-and-error-based. I am making my life. And I should choose the one which doesn't just give but also reflects the meaning and value of my heart. Because I know that the only way for me to not regret or regress is for me to be who I have really been crafted. It is not who I think I am, not who others think I am or should be, but the one that has been originally blueprinted in my being. 

And I guess, at 22, that's the journey I'm taking on. Maybe as the years go by, more questions will come up as some will be answered. Anddd, of course, failures will always be there. Yes, I should be more careful, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't fall or fail or get hurt or break people. But I could choose to live a life of value and meaning. And I guess, that the only way for me to be comfortable in my own skin is to acknowledge the love that I am worthy to receive and the love that I am capable to give. I have been wonderfully made for the reason of existence for a certain purpose--that which I am about to find out. I don't have to end up with solved puzzles at the end of this year, or even of this lifetime. I have to focus on the journey, and to live this life well. 

So, while I'm still on bumming, I have to do some catching up with my own life!

090116

Barely lit rooms
Bare feet
Turned left
Turning tables
Short breathing
Shortened moments
Wondering on truths
Wonders witnessed
Chest chained
Chests uncovered
Leaves cluttered
Leafing pages
Stretched hopes
Stretches of time
Lying on a couch
Lies to conceal
Worn out heart
Wearing fragments

Women Woes

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Woman, what are you?

*deep sigh

I'm trying to figure out what the real score on my orientation, my gender, my design is. I have always thought that my gender is just another one of those characteristics I embody, not anything else that differs me much from the other half of the species of this planet, not anything so huge that could affect my lifestyle and activities... I mean, I have never thought myself distinct from men. I thought that I could do what they do, that it's not exactly different at all; except that I solely prefer men when it comes to romantic involvements, nothing else makes it different for me and them. Well, and of course, all the other biological stuff per se. 

But, recently, as I get to know more people and get to know more women and get to know more men, at the phase of my life when I'm already entirely deviated from childhood (in the structure of society), I am having these moments. I feel different from men in a conscious manner. That I cannot be like them, like... them. That I have my own distinct qualities, and they have their own, and I shouldn't try to take over their roles. Or something like that. It's become inexpressible for me, and it brings me to deep thinking on this new aspect of humanity that I am getting exposed to, that I am, or should be, embracing. It's like finding someone within my heart and allowing her to surface. This woman in me, I guess, it's trying to take over.

And it's weird.

I was raised up in a family full of women. Most of the women in my family are single, my mom has been a single parent for more than a decade now. I have been single since I first saw the world. And, I have never thought myself in need of someone to carry my bag for me because I never saw anyone take off the carriage behind my mother. And that kind of modeling proved me that a woman is strong enough to take on the roles of both sexes. Somehow, it's been what I have been modeling myself after as well. 

I don't ask for help from men when I'm carrying heavy stuff, I don't need them to open the door for me, to give way for me in the line, to allow me to get in first, and all the other gentlemen stuff. I have never really been a huge fan of those actions because I consider them vanity--steel weights to boost their ego muscles. And I still don't feel like wanting those special treatments, just because I'm a woman and their men. It's weird, I cannot reconcile myself yet to it. 

But the environment I'm in encourages me to take this pride on my gender off and allow them to feel empowered, though of course, I don't think that it's the kind of empowerment they need... ugh, I'm going crazy with all these arguments in my head. Of course, people could just easily say, "If you don't want, then don't ask for it. What's the big deal here?"

The big deal is my design and God's purpose for it. I have been realizing that I haven't been acting along the design that I should be in, that I'm trying to free myself from that position where I should be in. And it's not because God wants to limit me, but because He wants to maximize my life to its fullest. And I could only do that if I obey the Lord, and act accordingly. 

And one more thing that makes it not good for me to be trying to take over men's roles is that it's because of pride. And nothing else. I don't want anyone to think that I'm in need of them, generally. But I do need people around me. When I'm carrying heavy stuff, they're definitely heavy, and I could use a hand. I fail to acknowledge that I am weak and I have my own limitations because I want people to think I am strong enough to take care of myself. Which may be the case, but not the ultimate. People need people. And I guess this, among all the other things in this planet, is part of the mechanisms in our lives' ecosystem. Our interactions are naturally caused by our designs, our need to be part of something because we're incomplete on our own. We were all designed to complement one another, the humans, the animals, the plants, the air, the everything. The physique of this realm is proof that we're interdependent creatures. And so, failure to comply to our own design destructs the natural flow of this system--if not breaking us or the others around us, puts us into a limit. Imagine a duck taking on the role of a lion, it's not gonna work, it's highly inefficient, it's foolish. A single man who lives in a cave and says that he can live on his own breathes in air, drinks water, and eats from the trees around his place--he still continually interacts with the natural system because he cannot provide air, water, and food for himself from his own body. And I guess, that is how we were designed, we cannot do everything for ourselves.

These are words for myself as I am coming into terms with what on earth I am here for, with the design that I have been made of, with the interactions that come along with it. I haven't really moved on or have changed my own responses to men and to the circumstances that link us, but I am learning. And I realized it's fatal to resist my design. I am fooling no one but myself. I am hindering myself from greater things ahead of me. And, I guess that part of the journey is getting to know myself, and embracing the truth for which I exist. 

Saturday Gets Real Stylez*

It's 10 minutes to Sunday, and I am gonna write down some (not-so-)fun facts I've concluded about myself throughout the day.

Note: These facts are stuff about me I am not willing to live wit hfor the rest of this month up until the rest of my life.

1. I cannot comply to routine. In a damaging way.

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Let me start by saying it's not cool. Well, it used to be. When life is all about me and me getting to do things I wanna do upon a signal sent from one of my dendrites to its axon to another one of my dendrites to... I mean, it was always by impulse. Well, to cut myself some slack, wise responses to impulses, which only become unwise due to their timing and being random and unplanned. Being chill and doing things unplanned is pretty fun, but not when you're working and living a life of being an adult. My point is that I don't have to live in routine, but I shouldn't live with no routines in. It's making my life totally disastrous to have routines, but it's making me inefficient and ineffective when I fail to comply to routines, which in turn, might (haven't happened in a major way yet) mess up not just my life but everyone else's around me. It would take me years to explain how routine can help, but it sure can... I just have to figure it out.

2. I am more sleepy than restless.

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I mean restless as in restless-to-go-and-explore-the-world mood. This is the number 1 saddest fact I have concluded about myself today. It was actually just a few minutes ago when I realized it. I want to be creative and be productive in response to it, but no, my mind has a lot of things it wants to work on, but it just ends up wanting to sleep more than do something that might be world-changing (Gina Linetti mode on). Look, I have these dreams of being an artist of words in some way, but it seems like I'm ready to flip them all over for a good night's sleep (or even an afternoon nap). And I am so dreamy (which might be from me being always sleepy), I don't understand why I cannot be more passionate and driven.

  
3. I don't like going anywhere on Sundays.

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Okay. For people who know me, this might sound surprising. But for people who really really know me (which I think are just me and God (and God's not counted because)), this is a fact. Sunday is like an extension of Saturday to me. On Saturdays, I get really hazy from watching movies/TV series, reading, getting cozy, and all that stuff which lead me to being up late on Sundays, which lead me to being so annoyed at the idea of being somewhere else than bed on a Sunday morning. And the anticipation of a week ahead makes me want to have Sunday all for myself alone. I know, I know, I know. It's not good. I have to learn how to rest, and rest in the Lord in this context. And I am going to fight this off. I will. I will. I will.


4. I've got more mirror neurons than I should have.

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I really have to stop my mirror neurons before they get me into trouble. Mirror neurons are those responsible for humans imitating and going after the people they actually like. Not "like like", just "like". This is the ones that would best explain how having a role model works and maybe even fangirling. So, I have this very easy way of imitating voices and even moves. And recently, I have been finding Gina Linetti soooo adorable. //Gina is from Brooklyn Nine Nine, a series I am currently SO in love with, to the point that I am cooking a post about Amy and Jake, one of its couples. *Plus to the point that I made a reference about it on my Stylez up there, plus the one in #2//. Gina is so adorable, I want to reenact her into my real life. And I feel like I've been blatantly sarcastic in the past few days (I'm normally sarcastic, but in a more gentle manner if not secretly), just like Gina is. Now, I hope it's just her adorable fashion I would channel.

Phew. It is not easy to have these traits eliminated, but at the very least, I hope to have them managed and controlled.