You're Not Made For Sadness

Melancholy can be beautiful, and it is easily associated to poetry. With so much drama, tears, and brokenness... the beautiful words happen. Even if we admit it or not, most of us have this great pull towards sadness. Sometimes, we just have to feel our heart pierced for us to feel the life in us. That's understandable, I am always like that. It even had me falling for a guy who has this certain quality of sadness. Other people's sadness attracts us--it makes us feel like we're superheroes who can redeem someone from their pain, or if not a superhero, a compatible soul--another lonely heart.

via

After a long time, I have realized that there's something wrong with how I deal with pain. Pain is absolutely paradoxically lovely. It squeezes all the rains and the gloomy seasons from us, but it is not a state to be stuck in or to live in. It is true that it is an event in someone's life but it isn't true that we can live there forever.

I am a Christian and I believe that God has bought me with a very precious price--the blood of Jesus, but I have to admit that I have a lot of unresolved things in my heart that need to be addressed. I indulge in the lies of bitterness, sorrow, anger, and false hopes. And then, I realized it's tiring. Where could this get me? Aside from the fact that it pulls me away from the greater plans God has built for me, all these black feelings shove me away from genuine joy--a gift I have always had.

Hugot has been ubiquitous in my life for the past months. Certain words, phrases, events remind me of things that I shouldn't think of. As a Psychology student, I tried to study this phenomenon once--the idea of certain words or happenings opening certain folders in the memory, therefore eliciting emotions into action. From this, I have learned that what matters most to us easily gets retrieved from the memory files (I honestly can't remember if I have learned this from someone else or if it's a personal hypothesis). Then, if I easily retrieve memory files that cause me grief it means that what's on the surface of my core is bitterness and the spirit of the inability to move on.

I realized I don't want sadness anymore. It's time I step out of it and bid my farewell to it. I am more than the past that keeps me buckled into it. Because of these things, I can hardly move forward, I can hardly get anywhere. Everyday, I walk the earth as I remain in that stuck phase where I am in.

God didn't forbid anyone to experience sorrow though; in fact, He understands us. What we have left to do is to entrust the Lord with our healing. The pain is not ours alone.

Psalm 147:3 says, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

The Lord is in the business of healing us from moment to moment. It is not our job to bandage ourselves. We can do all these steps to move forward and away from sadness, but God has mightier hands than those that we have.

From all these things, I have resolved to seek and see the beauty of God, and be inspired and driven by His love more than by anything else at all. If I bask before the beauty of the Most Wonderful, it would be lighter to walk the realm of this life. From these, I conclude that I was not made for loneliness. I was made for joy, worship, and true and unfailing hope.

That thing that went wrong

I'm still trying to wheel myself forward and away from "it". I don't understand what's got me stuck. With friends around and with all these stuff in my plate, I really should have had a nice groove out of "it" already, but well, I'm still here and the rage in me is um, stronger than before. I don't really like feeling this way. My friends may be getting tired of me being and acting this way. They want me to not be like this because "it" was all crap in the first place.

But I started to hate opening my eyes and waking up to these weird feelings in my chest, especially whenever I wake up from my afternoon naps. Just every time, I feel an emptiness that I am trying to solve. And I always trace back the solitude to "it". "It" and everything about "it".

The youth of my heart and the lack of its knowledge on "it" may be the reason why I could hardly strut out of my emotions. I am trying to understand if ever there's anyone to blame for all these. But no, I don't know. Should I blame myself for being so vulnerable to "it"? Should I blame my foolishness (which I shall never label innocence) or does this happen a million times a day to different girls/ladies/women under the sun? Should I blame... because... was just trying to pave... way out of the loneliness... is trapped into? Was it really just mere loneliness or was it mixed with full knowledge on all of it, with a destructive plan for deception?

I don't find any conscious effort to forget effective so my main technique these days is quite aversive. I may be exposing myself to all these stimuli that tap memory perceptors that open and retrieve recorded files, and the recorded emotions with them. I do these to flood myself until the feelings got satiated and until I get used to the worst reminders and until I feel nothing for  them anymore. I don't know if what I'm doing is effective, because this may be called "torture" in other languages. This doesn't make me wanna move forward in reality, it makes me want to go back to "it" and just revise whatever's conspired but no, no, no. Please, not just yet. Ughh I really don't know what to do anymooooore.

Anyway, I know that this happened bajillion times in this planet already. One crying heart because of "it" is not news and not fatal. We all know that these cases always end up in either two roads only: the "moved-on" road or the "forever-stuck-because-I'm-a-crazy-fool-I-don't-wanna-go-anywhere-else-but-here" road. I have a very interesting and fun life to end up in the second road, of course. I am quite sure, though I have no vision for the future, that I'd end up in the first one. But it's quite bloody getting there. It's not easy. Golly, why was I born being so sentimental and vulnerable! This becomes a problem when "it" is already in the third stage of the tie, but I was only in the a-fourth stage of it all! Sauced barbecue! I am crazy.

Okay. Thanks. Bye.

I would be glad if

I would be glad if

I could just

Shove this stone

Off

Which is dominating

My core

That even the touch

Of cloth

Would provoke

The sting 

It holds

I would be glad if

I could just

Let you know

That

I am contemplating

My rules

That one word 

From you

Would provoke

The emotions

I hold