On Reality and Stuff

Oh, hello. This is another post (a kind which I have not done for quite some time now) wherein I promise to blabber with the random streaks of thoughts in my head, so expect it to be disorganized. 

As earlier noted, it's been quite some time since I have written something straightforward/essay-ish on this space. There had been a lot of things occupying my mind, life, and heart and I just felt a little protective about myself when it comes to being too vulnerable online, so I have been speaking in riddles or in poetry. But apparently today is a different one because I'm choosing to kind of let some words spill out, not in any hopes that a multitude would pass by this narrow street of thoughts (aka my blog), but in hopes that whoever might would kind of get inspired (???) *laughs because I'm quite unsure about what my greatest purpose for this is* 

Okay then. 

Hi again. 

If I would describe life at the moment I would say that it is a vast sheet of mysteries (aka uncertainties/guesses/risks/wonders). There was once a point in my existence that I thought things would get stagnant because they seemed so bright and fun and wild and free, and it felt as if nothing would go downhill and my greatest fear at that time was that I would cease learning because everything seemed great. Years after that, I feel like I would give everything to be back there. Serious and just kidding at the same time. 

Recently, things that some other young adults go through became real with me. I struggled through anxiety, recurring sadness, and much confusion about the people and world around. I tried to reevaluate personal values, backgrounds, and cultures. Decision-making, taking responsibility, speaking up, getting rebuked, learning-- all these and more took some major part in the past months of my life. But the one good thing about all these is that going through stuff like this, I became more founded in what I believe in and my knowledge about people and myself. It kind of sorts out tangles on my assessment and assumptions of the dynamics of the society and, here in front of me now is a clearer picture of the scary world called Reality. 

I'm 23 and I feel like I'm looking at a crossroads that's definitive of a huge amount of the future that follows after my next choice of step. Whatever I'll choose would mean much about this crazy adventure, and although I'm not afraid of it, it would bring discomfort not to be in the right place. As I'm gauging how to take on things from this point onward, I look at myself and try to work some self-discovery out and try to identify my values, personal visions, uniqueness, places of productivity, and other inner stuff that I can translate into outward acts-- although on these things, I'm still half-lost right now. 

The greatest thing about my latest journey probably is the extent of self-discovery that leads me to deeper worship to my Creator. I have learned that everything beyond my ideals is so complex that things can get frustrating when I come to see its reality that it becomes a wonder that favor and restoration can be found in the corners of this complex (to the point of damaging) ground. The lovely Author of everything has just shown me the depths of His unfailing love for me and so I have to learn to channel that out to those around me and especially to myself, that's why the most glorious weapons I can use at this point are understanding and forgiveness. 

At the end of all these, I just want to keep on seeing the beauty in existence, to appreciate the atrocities that allow me to see transformations, to believe when things get dim because they stretch my heart to be stronger. Thoughts like 'without challenges, there would be no victories', 'there would be no light if there's no dark', 'beauty would cease to exist in the absence of unpleasantness' became real to me. I realized that I can start seeing and giving a greater amount of love, hope and beauty because I have struggled with and seen brokenness and grief. 

Among the things I've resolved to do then is to be more free to express on paper (or on computer) and to explore the world up to its limits and to extend my hand and heart to love, affirm and forgive endlessly. It's not so bad then after all, even if I have no chance to go back to that all-sunny life I once had, because I realized that, through the broken and shattered walls of my being, Light could shine through.

(I'm ending this post with a lot of gaps in it. I feel like there's something more I want to add to it, or as the person who drafted this, I feel like I need to squeeze out more thoughts within me in this one, but this is it for now.)

Women Woes

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Woman, what are you?

*deep sigh

I'm trying to figure out what the real score on my orientation, my gender, my design is. I have always thought that my gender is just another one of those characteristics I embody, not anything else that differs me much from the other half of the species of this planet, not anything so huge that could affect my lifestyle and activities... I mean, I have never thought myself distinct from men. I thought that I could do what they do, that it's not exactly different at all; except that I solely prefer men when it comes to romantic involvements, nothing else makes it different for me and them. Well, and of course, all the other biological stuff per se. 

But, recently, as I get to know more people and get to know more women and get to know more men, at the phase of my life when I'm already entirely deviated from childhood (in the structure of society), I am having these moments. I feel different from men in a conscious manner. That I cannot be like them, like... them. That I have my own distinct qualities, and they have their own, and I shouldn't try to take over their roles. Or something like that. It's become inexpressible for me, and it brings me to deep thinking on this new aspect of humanity that I am getting exposed to, that I am, or should be, embracing. It's like finding someone within my heart and allowing her to surface. This woman in me, I guess, it's trying to take over.

And it's weird.

I was raised up in a family full of women. Most of the women in my family are single, my mom has been a single parent for more than a decade now. I have been single since I first saw the world. And, I have never thought myself in need of someone to carry my bag for me because I never saw anyone take off the carriage behind my mother. And that kind of modeling proved me that a woman is strong enough to take on the roles of both sexes. Somehow, it's been what I have been modeling myself after as well. 

I don't ask for help from men when I'm carrying heavy stuff, I don't need them to open the door for me, to give way for me in the line, to allow me to get in first, and all the other gentlemen stuff. I have never really been a huge fan of those actions because I consider them vanity--steel weights to boost their ego muscles. And I still don't feel like wanting those special treatments, just because I'm a woman and their men. It's weird, I cannot reconcile myself yet to it. 

But the environment I'm in encourages me to take this pride on my gender off and allow them to feel empowered, though of course, I don't think that it's the kind of empowerment they need... ugh, I'm going crazy with all these arguments in my head. Of course, people could just easily say, "If you don't want, then don't ask for it. What's the big deal here?"

The big deal is my design and God's purpose for it. I have been realizing that I haven't been acting along the design that I should be in, that I'm trying to free myself from that position where I should be in. And it's not because God wants to limit me, but because He wants to maximize my life to its fullest. And I could only do that if I obey the Lord, and act accordingly. 

And one more thing that makes it not good for me to be trying to take over men's roles is that it's because of pride. And nothing else. I don't want anyone to think that I'm in need of them, generally. But I do need people around me. When I'm carrying heavy stuff, they're definitely heavy, and I could use a hand. I fail to acknowledge that I am weak and I have my own limitations because I want people to think I am strong enough to take care of myself. Which may be the case, but not the ultimate. People need people. And I guess this, among all the other things in this planet, is part of the mechanisms in our lives' ecosystem. Our interactions are naturally caused by our designs, our need to be part of something because we're incomplete on our own. We were all designed to complement one another, the humans, the animals, the plants, the air, the everything. The physique of this realm is proof that we're interdependent creatures. And so, failure to comply to our own design destructs the natural flow of this system--if not breaking us or the others around us, puts us into a limit. Imagine a duck taking on the role of a lion, it's not gonna work, it's highly inefficient, it's foolish. A single man who lives in a cave and says that he can live on his own breathes in air, drinks water, and eats from the trees around his place--he still continually interacts with the natural system because he cannot provide air, water, and food for himself from his own body. And I guess, that is how we were designed, we cannot do everything for ourselves.

These are words for myself as I am coming into terms with what on earth I am here for, with the design that I have been made of, with the interactions that come along with it. I haven't really moved on or have changed my own responses to men and to the circumstances that link us, but I am learning. And I realized it's fatal to resist my design. I am fooling no one but myself. I am hindering myself from greater things ahead of me. And, I guess that part of the journey is getting to know myself, and embracing the truth for which I exist. 

Im...perfect

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I am interesting. I know that. I don't even have to pretend to be that person because I have been born that way. I don't pride myself with that adjective because I am worth-knowing, but because I tend to be deviated from the norm--and it's not even in an I-don't-wanna-conform way. I am interesting because my brain's probably tangled in a different kind of technique. I talk a lot, and I keep things a lot. I want people, and people scare me. I love poetry, and I don't appreciate other people's dramas. I am always happy, while I'm usually bored... I'm always in the middle, really. And everybody has to agree with me, that being in the middle is not a very good thing.

I am spontaneous. Adventurous, you may say. Not because I don't care about what can and will happen to me (because I care a lot about these things), but because I want to see more of the world, I want to be more enchanted by the beauty of this world and this life's experiences. But my actions that show me to be carefree can get me killed. Is it good to just jump into experiences, and just die at the brink of it?

I am an escapist. I can hardly deal with things that I don't want. I live in the belief that I should live my life to the fullest. And is it good that way? To just keep on running from things that I don't wanna deal with. It's true that I choose my battles, but is it good to quit battles I've already started fighting in?

People may say that I am very much satisfied with myself, and I say that the least person I ever want in this world is me. I am crazy, not interesting. I am impulsive, not spontaneous. I am a coward, not just an escapist. How can someone reach their full contentment in who they are? I am flooded with insecurities. Being hurt by the people I've trusted and loved makes me feel like my love can never be reciprocated. It's effect on me is not the thinking that I can't love again, but the thinking that I can love but it's really okay if they can't loved me back because I know it's quite difficult to appreciate someone like me.

The thing with me is that I really don't like myself most of the times. Why? Many reasons. Sometimes it's because of the way I look, most of the times it's me and my big mouth, then it'll be because of the way I think and react, plus my impulsiveness, and then this thin skin for when emotions attack. I mean, sometimes... oftentimes, I get tired of myself.

I look like someone who's unafraid and who's always ready to conquer. I'm restless, but maybe because there's something within me that I don't want to prevail. I try to realize what is in life for me. And I travel the world looking for a purpose. And that's it?

No. My insecurities are just a part of me. They happen but they're not me. They exist, because somewhere within anyone's core, insecurities live. Having them is not a disease, because we are all in fear one way or another. It is how we deal with them that matters.

Just a story. One of the things about me is that when I am in front of a guy I like, I pose the ugliest me: I eat a lot, and I swallow the too-spoonfuls of food, I laugh loudly, I speak my mind out (even if it turns out to be really sarcastic), etc. It is not because I am shielding myself from being loved or appreciated. It is because I am afraid to get hurt--by making a guy fall for the wrong me, and then being left because I was a mistake after all. This is what my insecurities do to me, they make me honest. They make me brave. Because realizing them and not being afraid of what they can do to me and not being afraid to show them, well... they help me find the real me.

People say that the first person who can accept us is us. I've been working on that from day one, but finding out that people can actually love me even if I show them my ugliest, it helps me realize my real identity. I am someone loved. I am someone special. I am worthy. It is because Someone really loved me that much, and I am worth too much for anything to even doubt my own importance. It makes me realize what love is really about, but that's another story (maybe for another post). They say that we should never find our self-worth from others, but having other people love me despite the roughest sides of me exposed, makes me feel that there should never be space for self-hate. It somehow helps. Really.

We are expected of many things, but what other people don't know is that most of the times, during our battles, we are afraid. It's not because we're weak, but because this reality is universal. My life is a series of disappointments, guilt, and failures. I'm not cool enough not to regret anything in my life. Because I always end up scolding myself for my stupidity. I'm on the road to forgiving myself from what I lack though. I know that it's being honest to say that I am weak, but it's another thing to fully realize that I am worthy. I am deserving of appreciation. And I am free to live this life--dealing with a series of mistakes and regrets and falling and of rising and forgiving and loving.

Within and Monsters

There's this thing about looking within. About the courage to see through yourself and what you might be covering. Every one of us is shielded by our skin. And maybe we thought that's enough to stop them from looking.

But time will make things that we keep apparent. Sooner or later, our thoughts will be unearthed. And maybe they'll find what's been kept and buried. Or maybe it will come out from the things that we said.

It won't matter really what people might think. What matters is that you know what's within. It won't matter if they'll find it surprising. What will matter is that you're ready for it.

You know your own monsters. You know we all have it somewhere. Deep within the soul when we dig deeper.

Just don't let it be the one found in your core. It's there but it doesn't have to eat you whole. Maybe you can calm it or deal with it sooner. Maybe it will leave you and leave you with a peaceful soul.