Women Woes

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Woman, what are you?

*deep sigh

I'm trying to figure out what the real score on my orientation, my gender, my design is. I have always thought that my gender is just another one of those characteristics I embody, not anything else that differs me much from the other half of the species of this planet, not anything so huge that could affect my lifestyle and activities... I mean, I have never thought myself distinct from men. I thought that I could do what they do, that it's not exactly different at all; except that I solely prefer men when it comes to romantic involvements, nothing else makes it different for me and them. Well, and of course, all the other biological stuff per se. 

But, recently, as I get to know more people and get to know more women and get to know more men, at the phase of my life when I'm already entirely deviated from childhood (in the structure of society), I am having these moments. I feel different from men in a conscious manner. That I cannot be like them, like... them. That I have my own distinct qualities, and they have their own, and I shouldn't try to take over their roles. Or something like that. It's become inexpressible for me, and it brings me to deep thinking on this new aspect of humanity that I am getting exposed to, that I am, or should be, embracing. It's like finding someone within my heart and allowing her to surface. This woman in me, I guess, it's trying to take over.

And it's weird.

I was raised up in a family full of women. Most of the women in my family are single, my mom has been a single parent for more than a decade now. I have been single since I first saw the world. And, I have never thought myself in need of someone to carry my bag for me because I never saw anyone take off the carriage behind my mother. And that kind of modeling proved me that a woman is strong enough to take on the roles of both sexes. Somehow, it's been what I have been modeling myself after as well. 

I don't ask for help from men when I'm carrying heavy stuff, I don't need them to open the door for me, to give way for me in the line, to allow me to get in first, and all the other gentlemen stuff. I have never really been a huge fan of those actions because I consider them vanity--steel weights to boost their ego muscles. And I still don't feel like wanting those special treatments, just because I'm a woman and their men. It's weird, I cannot reconcile myself yet to it. 

But the environment I'm in encourages me to take this pride on my gender off and allow them to feel empowered, though of course, I don't think that it's the kind of empowerment they need... ugh, I'm going crazy with all these arguments in my head. Of course, people could just easily say, "If you don't want, then don't ask for it. What's the big deal here?"

The big deal is my design and God's purpose for it. I have been realizing that I haven't been acting along the design that I should be in, that I'm trying to free myself from that position where I should be in. And it's not because God wants to limit me, but because He wants to maximize my life to its fullest. And I could only do that if I obey the Lord, and act accordingly. 

And one more thing that makes it not good for me to be trying to take over men's roles is that it's because of pride. And nothing else. I don't want anyone to think that I'm in need of them, generally. But I do need people around me. When I'm carrying heavy stuff, they're definitely heavy, and I could use a hand. I fail to acknowledge that I am weak and I have my own limitations because I want people to think I am strong enough to take care of myself. Which may be the case, but not the ultimate. People need people. And I guess this, among all the other things in this planet, is part of the mechanisms in our lives' ecosystem. Our interactions are naturally caused by our designs, our need to be part of something because we're incomplete on our own. We were all designed to complement one another, the humans, the animals, the plants, the air, the everything. The physique of this realm is proof that we're interdependent creatures. And so, failure to comply to our own design destructs the natural flow of this system--if not breaking us or the others around us, puts us into a limit. Imagine a duck taking on the role of a lion, it's not gonna work, it's highly inefficient, it's foolish. A single man who lives in a cave and says that he can live on his own breathes in air, drinks water, and eats from the trees around his place--he still continually interacts with the natural system because he cannot provide air, water, and food for himself from his own body. And I guess, that is how we were designed, we cannot do everything for ourselves.

These are words for myself as I am coming into terms with what on earth I am here for, with the design that I have been made of, with the interactions that come along with it. I haven't really moved on or have changed my own responses to men and to the circumstances that link us, but I am learning. And I realized it's fatal to resist my design. I am fooling no one but myself. I am hindering myself from greater things ahead of me. And, I guess that part of the journey is getting to know myself, and embracing the truth for which I exist. 

Spell Beautiful

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We are all broken,
That's how the light gets in.
-Ernest Hemingway

Sometimes I get confused with preferences and standards. The concepts of the un-beautiful and the overlooked. Are we always boxed within predetermined concepts that we end up adjusting to meet those standards, failing to find out what's true, pure and sincere? Wouldn't it be a lot more empowering to understand and perceive surfaces with the context underlying and surrounding them?

What is the meaning of "beautiful"? Is it an appearance or is it an expression? An appearance that is changeable and variable with time and events? Or an expression of something that is within, of something more powerful and more genuine, of pains, joys, curiosities, and passions?

You are beautiful. I'm not saying this because this line has been available and rehearsed by most people to appreciate people. There is a certain depth to these words that only those who choose to look will understand. Everyone has beauty. And every one of us should appreciate each other's beauty. But let me add another idea here. 

We are all beautiful but this beauty we possess can only be visible if we choose to show it. Never think that the definition of beautiful is the standard set by people whose eyes see only the shallowest. The beauty in you is the reality that is within you. It may be absurd, it may be unacceptable, it may be imperfect... according to the predetermined standards. What makes you real is what makes you human, and that itself makes you beautiful. 

We have fears. We are afraid that the reality in us may limit us from being accepted or loved, but true acceptance and true love sees through imperfections and weaknesses. True love appreciates real beauty. When we tamper this authentic beauty with pretensions and with efforts to climb up the society's standards, that's when we choose to hide the beautiful in us. But if we remain true and pure, then, there would we find those who will love us with sincerity. We should allow people to love the real beauty in us. 

You think you're unusual? There's so much beauty in what's different. There's so much beauty in the real expression of the spirit within everyone's flesh. Don't get bothered that you're deviated from the norms, as long as it's real and true, it is ethereal and worthy of love and appreciation.  

These words are not new. They've been paraphrased, translated, rephrased, spoken, written, believed, rejected, passed on from nations to nations, among peoples, throughout time. But its timelessness proves its strength. All of us should be reminded of these things everytime, so we might not falter to look for the wrong kind of love through the wrong ways of beautifying ourselves.

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A reminder to self

PS, this certain post's font style is annoyingly different from the whole blog's font style. Tried to do something about it, but it ain't changing ugh. Just saying.