An afternoon into space

via

And for another moment in my life, I crave again. For the saltwater kissing my feet, for the dirt and dust hugging me, for all the places and spaces I could run and walk along, I crave. There is this gentle impatience within my heart that wants and wants and screams for something else, for the things that are rather and the things that would be. I try to hush these screaming desires with the silence I pose in the surface. While the world talks and goes about, I contemplate my life and regulate the noise within my system. I have to shut it up right now or it would pain me to think of the things that are yet. I just want for things to happen, for them to really happen. In a way that everyday is a new set of skies, and every minute is an unfamiliar street. I want to see more and I want to go beyond beyond. 

All I am right now is another speck of a dreamer under the navy skies. All I can be sure of right now is that I am uncertain of what will be, and that I will never know what's about to conspire until it unfolds. All I can do is live in the moment and let myself take the minutes into slow and sure strides. Tomorrow is patiently waiting. And all I am doing is towards it. Patience has not always been all I am, but it's all I could be as of now. 

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Impatience is not all the source of my staring-into-nothing spree this afternoon. There is something that makes me think. Maybe it is the ghosts of the mistakes and failures, of the misses and wrongs, of all the things ugly and sad that I've ever encountered. I don't know, but I ended up too doped by these things unknown that I don't wanna delve into anything interesting. Is it cradling this uninteresting and boring feeling that I am currently having what I am doing right now? Unsure of anything really as of the moment. 

I don't even know if I want to pause the clock or speed by to the future awaiting. I understand nothing, and I can hardly translate to myself these weird, lapsing heartbeats. Why am I so up in the nothingness that I find no life in this afternoon? And right now, I am approaching midnight. And all these minutes I let pass without proper shepherding of the time. This is quite disturbing---the feeling of emptiness and nothingness---but what have I to do? It may be because I want a lot of things right now or may be because I am trying to keep myself at rest from all the chaos in the world, that I have to listen to my own chaos, tat which is within me. I don't know. Theories, theories, theories. We have so much of them I can't indulge the world with another set of theories. Anyway, I was hoping that writing these would help me somehow. As if I could vent the emotions into this writing machine. 

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What could I do? What could I hope for? My life is stuck in between. Between the feeling of too much life and blood and the feeling of emptiness and hunger, between the feeling of rage and music and the feeling of quiet and silence, between the feeling of pride and the feeling of insecurities, between the feeling of confidence and the feeling of uncertainty. I am a lot of things. And I am mostly unsettled. I hope in the One who has an eye for what has to come and an eye that reaches the depths of souls. I look up to Him to fill the emptiness and to still the raging desires. Because my humanness demands and demands and it is never filled enough. And in all these, I end up hoping. Praying. Trusting. It will soon be. It will be. Soon. 

Seven Twenty-Eight

It's the last Monday of our "summer" vacation. We're counting days to the first semester of the new academic year.

Today is just as ordinary as it can get. Everything's well, quite normal. I went somewhere, it was just a short trip. Took few hours and I was back home already.

Anyway

On the way home, I passed by the place where I went to high school. I saw the high school students of this generation. It was nice looking at them. They were basking in the uncertainties of childhood and growing up. I could laugh at them, and tell them, "You think this is it? You think this is most of life already? Think again." Ha ha now that makes me sound like I haven't reached satisfaction and joy in this young life (which isn't the case at all). But, I would've loved it when someone told me that then (or not). There I was, thinking I've already grasped most of what's in it in life, only to find out years later, that I'd have to reset all that I believed in about people and all that I believed in about myself. Okay, not all, but most.

I can only imagine them trying to open different boxes, trying to look for who they are. I can just imagine them trying to search if there could be a someday further than their "today", a somewhere wider than their "here", and a someone far greater than who they are right now.

Then my thoughts about them stopped, the ride sped up and away. Maybe, I was just exaggerating my thoughts. What with this self-claimed poetic soul, trying to look into other people's thoughts ha ha ha, maybe I was just overthinking about them. They'll find the way through. Everyone does. Or I hope they will.

Other than that, the day went on. The way it usually does.

Just like any other afternoons.

Full of thoughts. Full of wondering. Full of uncertainties. Full of faith-stretching questions.