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And for another moment in my life, I crave again. For the saltwater kissing my feet, for the dirt and dust hugging me, for all the places and spaces I could run and walk along, I crave. There is this gentle impatience within my heart that wants and wants and screams for something else, for the things that are rather and the things that would be. I try to hush these screaming desires with the silence I pose in the surface. While the world talks and goes about, I contemplate my life and regulate the noise within my system. I have to shut it up right now or it would pain me to think of the things that are yet. I just want for things to happen, for them to really happen. In a way that everyday is a new set of skies, and every minute is an unfamiliar street. I want to see more and I want to go beyond beyond.
All I am right now is another speck of a dreamer under the navy skies. All I can be sure of right now is that I am uncertain of what will be, and that I will never know what's about to conspire until it unfolds. All I can do is live in the moment and let myself take the minutes into slow and sure strides. Tomorrow is patiently waiting. And all I am doing is towards it. Patience has not always been all I am, but it's all I could be as of now.
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Impatience is not all the source of my staring-into-nothing spree this afternoon. There is something that makes me think. Maybe it is the ghosts of the mistakes and failures, of the misses and wrongs, of all the things ugly and sad that I've ever encountered. I don't know, but I ended up too doped by these things unknown that I don't wanna delve into anything interesting. Is it cradling this uninteresting and boring feeling that I am currently having what I am doing right now? Unsure of anything really as of the moment.
I don't even know if I want to pause the clock or speed by to the future awaiting. I understand nothing, and I can hardly translate to myself these weird, lapsing heartbeats. Why am I so up in the nothingness that I find no life in this afternoon? And right now, I am approaching midnight. And all these minutes I let pass without proper shepherding of the time. This is quite disturbing---the feeling of emptiness and nothingness---but what have I to do? It may be because I want a lot of things right now or may be because I am trying to keep myself at rest from all the chaos in the world, that I have to listen to my own chaos, tat which is within me. I don't know. Theories, theories, theories. We have so much of them I can't indulge the world with another set of theories. Anyway, I was hoping that writing these would help me somehow. As if I could vent the emotions into this writing machine.
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What could I do? What could I hope for? My life is stuck in between. Between the feeling of too much life and blood and the feeling of emptiness and hunger, between the feeling of rage and music and the feeling of quiet and silence, between the feeling of pride and the feeling of insecurities, between the feeling of confidence and the feeling of uncertainty. I am a lot of things. And I am mostly unsettled. I hope in the One who has an eye for what has to come and an eye that reaches the depths of souls. I look up to Him to fill the emptiness and to still the raging desires. Because my humanness demands and demands and it is never filled enough. And in all these, I end up hoping. Praying. Trusting. It will soon be. It will be. Soon.
