"Until..."

There are many beautiful words I know of, words that calm me, compel me, or affirm me. But there's this word that, in different times, has engaged me into different emotions- relief, impatience, excitement, joy-it is the word until. 

Until has been attached with deadlines and anticipations. As I think of it, I remember the diverse ways it has been used, but right now, what I remember most when I hear this word are endurance, grace, and hope. 

In the atrocity of existence, I have resolved to live my life carefully surrendered to what my Master invites me to do, and it's constant obedience. It isn't easy and it brings me to places I most fear or most know nothing about, but here is where the word "until" reminds me of endurance. "Stay put until...", "Stand on until...", " Be still until..." Until... Until... 

God knows there's nothing easy in all that there is in life. The lives we lead call us to the uncomfortable, but there's an end to it and we could press on and find joy in endurance until... 

His grace is enough in the time of obedience and endurance. It calls me to things that are humanly impossible for me, but then, the word until also reminds me that there's grace that would constantly fill me in when troubles seem to sway me. Grace makes dancing the best sway that the storm could bring me to, grace makes existence livable for me, grace fills me in when I cannot do anything other than trust Him. 

And all these grace and endurance shall be completed when I see the word that follows the word until, and that is the hope we the faithful shall look forward to- until He comes back to conquer the world. The beauty that rests in this promise has been constantly shaping our hearts to be firm in following the path of righteousness. 

I have seen and done different impossible things in this short life I have lived. God has brought me into things that are beyond comfortable for me, and in this young life, even after all this time, He still calls me to endure by His grace until I see the completion of my hopes. And this, my dear ones, is what should keep us in this race of love and life, until He comes back to find us faithful.

An afternoon into space

via

And for another moment in my life, I crave again. For the saltwater kissing my feet, for the dirt and dust hugging me, for all the places and spaces I could run and walk along, I crave. There is this gentle impatience within my heart that wants and wants and screams for something else, for the things that are rather and the things that would be. I try to hush these screaming desires with the silence I pose in the surface. While the world talks and goes about, I contemplate my life and regulate the noise within my system. I have to shut it up right now or it would pain me to think of the things that are yet. I just want for things to happen, for them to really happen. In a way that everyday is a new set of skies, and every minute is an unfamiliar street. I want to see more and I want to go beyond beyond. 

All I am right now is another speck of a dreamer under the navy skies. All I can be sure of right now is that I am uncertain of what will be, and that I will never know what's about to conspire until it unfolds. All I can do is live in the moment and let myself take the minutes into slow and sure strides. Tomorrow is patiently waiting. And all I am doing is towards it. Patience has not always been all I am, but it's all I could be as of now. 

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Impatience is not all the source of my staring-into-nothing spree this afternoon. There is something that makes me think. Maybe it is the ghosts of the mistakes and failures, of the misses and wrongs, of all the things ugly and sad that I've ever encountered. I don't know, but I ended up too doped by these things unknown that I don't wanna delve into anything interesting. Is it cradling this uninteresting and boring feeling that I am currently having what I am doing right now? Unsure of anything really as of the moment. 

I don't even know if I want to pause the clock or speed by to the future awaiting. I understand nothing, and I can hardly translate to myself these weird, lapsing heartbeats. Why am I so up in the nothingness that I find no life in this afternoon? And right now, I am approaching midnight. And all these minutes I let pass without proper shepherding of the time. This is quite disturbing---the feeling of emptiness and nothingness---but what have I to do? It may be because I want a lot of things right now or may be because I am trying to keep myself at rest from all the chaos in the world, that I have to listen to my own chaos, tat which is within me. I don't know. Theories, theories, theories. We have so much of them I can't indulge the world with another set of theories. Anyway, I was hoping that writing these would help me somehow. As if I could vent the emotions into this writing machine. 

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What could I do? What could I hope for? My life is stuck in between. Between the feeling of too much life and blood and the feeling of emptiness and hunger, between the feeling of rage and music and the feeling of quiet and silence, between the feeling of pride and the feeling of insecurities, between the feeling of confidence and the feeling of uncertainty. I am a lot of things. And I am mostly unsettled. I hope in the One who has an eye for what has to come and an eye that reaches the depths of souls. I look up to Him to fill the emptiness and to still the raging desires. Because my humanness demands and demands and it is never filled enough. And in all these, I end up hoping. Praying. Trusting. It will soon be. It will be. Soon. 

Are you there

So much emotions surge in my heart right now. Tears have been lingering relentlessly on the surface of my eyes. And every little thing that I do reminds me of what's happening.

I can barely study. I can't remember what's in the long list of my pending tasks. Stuff are cluttered around me. I am feeling downhearted. I have these thoughts of fleeing. I want to retract from this world altogether.

Probably I'm hungry but I'm not sure. I think that there's something going crazy in my hypothalamus because I can't clearly interpret the signals from my physical body. I can't do anything. I don't wanna do anything. I've just been staring at my laptop. The things that I find lovely can't catch my attention. My heart is caught on strings, and I end up wondering and talking to myself, meditating and asking God.

What's happening? Where is God right now? My heart wonders. My heart calls Him. My heart cries out to Him!

Where are you? Are you even there?




Are you there, God?

And through my breaking heart, and through my wondering, I hear His voice.

And He answers and whispers so very gently to my heart.

"Stay put, anak. 'Wag ka masyadong mag-alala. I am here. I am with you. I've called you out to the great unknown, where feet may fail. Fear may surround you. But just trust in me. Magtiwala ka sa'kin. Ibigay mo na lahat ng 'to sa'kin."

"Have fear in me, and you will be fearless to all else. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before you, I am at work."

Through my tears and grief, I know He is there. He said He will take over. He said that it's not for me nor for us to go through alone.

People may think that it's stupid to continue on this walk that's been causing us distress and discouragements. People may think that it's crazy to think of continuing to shout praises to God everywhere, wherever we are. But this is what I was and we were created for. What's causing me pain is my doubting heart. What's causing my doubts is my fear of the unknown. But there's no unknown right now. The ending will always be God's victory. Whatever happens next lies in His hands, not on anybody's.

We are merely humans, and so we are inclined to emotions. It is inevitable for us to feel down and broken. It is inevitable for us to be afraid and to fear what's to come. But above all these, we are assured and comforted by the knowledge that He will take over through all these things.

We are humans and somewhere in our hearts, we're looking up to a supreme being who can rescue us, because we know that we're incapable. But my trust in God is not a result of my humanness. My trust in Him is a result of His greatness. I look up to Him not just because there's this human need for a supreme being in me, but because He is there and He is worthy of my trust.

As always, it is God's turn to do something great and miraculous. And I am waiting for that. All I know is that He is there. He is here. And nothing else matters.

Life (sigh)

Life. We always sigh this word whenever we feel like sighing. It's as if we blame it all on this 4-letter word. L-I-F-E. But is it Life's fault? Or is it the people holding Life? Are we the ones holding Life? Or we and the Life are one? I mean... ugh! Okay. Right now, I am so confused. Too confused, I say, there're so much questions and finding the answer is, like, it is so hard. Jesus Christ made a way for me to understand His will, right? He made it possible for me to understand that whatever is going on, He is with me, and He is the only answer! And, of course, I believe in that. That is among all the many things about Christ that gives me comfort. It's just that sometimes, it really is so hard to find God's will in my life. I try to understand what He really wants me to do. Why? Because I want to obey Him. I wanna do something that would bring Him honor and praise. I wanna glorify Him with what I do, that's why, in whatever I do, I seek Him.

That's why, Lord, right now, You know what I am going through. You know the questions lingering in my mind. In Your presence, I know, there is the answer. Despite my cluelessness, I trust in You. I have faith in You. With that, I believe, everything will turn out right. I entrust to You "these" things now. I believe You have the answer. I know... You will never fail me. Thank You, Jesus. -Your daughter :)

A While Ago

Good thing I had the opportunity to start out a new blog. Well, I've had all my past blogs (at least those which passwords I can still recall) deleted, and started anew. I dunno what I really wanna see happen with all these 'start anew' but I hope to blog more regularly (as my "busy" sched hardly permits me to) is [among] the meaning/s of this new blog.

So, let us see...

A while ago, well, it wasn't really a good time for me, you know (whoever you is). Something (let's call it the situation) happened, well, something's been said and shown, and I was a bit disappointed. Disappointed with people, probably, but most of all with myself (with all honesty). I feel like I lack what I should have. I feel like I am incapable at most times, that I can do something but I can hardly be best of it. This situation really made me feel bad and I could hardly stop my  tears from coming even in front of my friends.

I know I couldn't live and leave with these feelings in my chest bursting inward, and so, I have to face these.

Life isn't really a matter of what we can do but what we do with these things we can do. I have learned in the bus journey that I've just been (coupla hours ago), that the journey is swift, but along the road you will encounter and meet a lot of things, and you can only get to the goal if you defy your weaknesses and let live your faith in yourself and in God, not allowing the burdens & the pressures of the society pull you down, instead making them your catapults to your pedestal.

I realized, blogging is one of my many ways to keep myself learning and improving. I will be able to freely express myself, and probably (I mean PROBABLY), I might be a help to others [cough]. He he he.

Such a long first blog! Well, happy first blog to me! God bless you! :)

-S