"Until..."

There are many beautiful words I know of, words that calm me, compel me, or affirm me. But there's this word that, in different times, has engaged me into different emotions- relief, impatience, excitement, joy-it is the word until. 

Until has been attached with deadlines and anticipations. As I think of it, I remember the diverse ways it has been used, but right now, what I remember most when I hear this word are endurance, grace, and hope. 

In the atrocity of existence, I have resolved to live my life carefully surrendered to what my Master invites me to do, and it's constant obedience. It isn't easy and it brings me to places I most fear or most know nothing about, but here is where the word "until" reminds me of endurance. "Stay put until...", "Stand on until...", " Be still until..." Until... Until... 

God knows there's nothing easy in all that there is in life. The lives we lead call us to the uncomfortable, but there's an end to it and we could press on and find joy in endurance until... 

His grace is enough in the time of obedience and endurance. It calls me to things that are humanly impossible for me, but then, the word until also reminds me that there's grace that would constantly fill me in when troubles seem to sway me. Grace makes dancing the best sway that the storm could bring me to, grace makes existence livable for me, grace fills me in when I cannot do anything other than trust Him. 

And all these grace and endurance shall be completed when I see the word that follows the word until, and that is the hope we the faithful shall look forward to- until He comes back to conquer the world. The beauty that rests in this promise has been constantly shaping our hearts to be firm in following the path of righteousness. 

I have seen and done different impossible things in this short life I have lived. God has brought me into things that are beyond comfortable for me, and in this young life, even after all this time, He still calls me to endure by His grace until I see the completion of my hopes. And this, my dear ones, is what should keep us in this race of love and life, until He comes back to find us faithful.

Breathing

So, this year started with me sulking out of reluctance to get back to work and life as usual. It isn't that I don't like my work (because I really do love it), it's just that I don't wanna work, generally speaking. Or, I don't wanna life, in short. There are times when I feel like saying "I am so done with everything" just because... I am. But I know well enough what could bring me back to life--action. That which I don't wanna take up.

But because I am supposedly organizing something, I needed to defy my slacker self and take that leap out of my comfort zone (watching movies and series, reading books, napping). That was just this week that has passed. And because of that, I'm back to life. Excited for it even. And I realized that everything is just a cycle with different decorative moments. You get tired and fired up and tired again and fired up for another moment before getting tired again.

Does life has a solution to its own absurdity? Uh, well, I guess everything starts in the mind. There was this question that keeps popping out of my books (because it's written in a bookmark), that says "What are you living for?", and unless answered, you would live your life demotivated over everything and anything because you don't know where you're headed to.


I know very well what my answer to that is. But is it possible that you can get tired of yourself just because of you wanting to live like the way you want to? It's just that I find myself absolutely weird most times. I have this great great vision that involves not just myself but the entire humanity (yea, I'm that kind of dreamer), and there are times when I find myself just falling apart because of that. Maybe the greatness of my vision sometimes makes me wonder.

But pondering upon things makes me rediscover that these things aren't all mine to begin with. My life, my vision, my time. I should be reminded that I am not living for myself anymore, and when I decided to take leaps of faith that brought me here, I decided to be ready to the pains and numbness that may be brought forth before me. It isn't the absurdity of having a Creator who predetermined all else. It is the beauty of it. Most times, I find the wonderfulness of not being the one who owns everything I have, and just being the steward of it. I am answerable before the Owner, but I can be rescued by Him.

At times when I feel like I am just a moment passing into cycles, I have to remember that cycle as it may seem, this life has its own end--a defining conclusion to everything that has revolved and rotated as I breathed. This life isn't for me anymore. My breathing isn't for me anymore. Never mine in the first place. I was entrusted to handle it, and and it's up to me how I live it. And at the end of it, when the Owner asks me how I lived it, could I look Him in the eye and say, "Well, did I live it."?

Monday with Him

Seeker of my heart
The One I long for
You whose love goes beyond life
And whose wonders are beyond skies
My all, I give You

How can I be more faithful to You?
I mused upon these words
How can I love You better?
I asked Your holiness

Is there any way?
When my heart is tainted,
And when I am always away
When my love is failing,
And I always go my own way

You are higher than the highest
Yet you love devotedly
You are mightier than the best
Yet you know me completely

Teach me to look at You 
And to love You until for ever
To hold on to You,
Even when it goes steeper

Let me sing with my life
And dance with my heartbeats
Let every breath that I take
Be a solemn offering
Before the King, the Highest, and the Loveliest

Are you there

So much emotions surge in my heart right now. Tears have been lingering relentlessly on the surface of my eyes. And every little thing that I do reminds me of what's happening.

I can barely study. I can't remember what's in the long list of my pending tasks. Stuff are cluttered around me. I am feeling downhearted. I have these thoughts of fleeing. I want to retract from this world altogether.

Probably I'm hungry but I'm not sure. I think that there's something going crazy in my hypothalamus because I can't clearly interpret the signals from my physical body. I can't do anything. I don't wanna do anything. I've just been staring at my laptop. The things that I find lovely can't catch my attention. My heart is caught on strings, and I end up wondering and talking to myself, meditating and asking God.

What's happening? Where is God right now? My heart wonders. My heart calls Him. My heart cries out to Him!

Where are you? Are you even there?




Are you there, God?

And through my breaking heart, and through my wondering, I hear His voice.

And He answers and whispers so very gently to my heart.

"Stay put, anak. 'Wag ka masyadong mag-alala. I am here. I am with you. I've called you out to the great unknown, where feet may fail. Fear may surround you. But just trust in me. Magtiwala ka sa'kin. Ibigay mo na lahat ng 'to sa'kin."

"Have fear in me, and you will be fearless to all else. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before you, I am at work."

Through my tears and grief, I know He is there. He said He will take over. He said that it's not for me nor for us to go through alone.

People may think that it's stupid to continue on this walk that's been causing us distress and discouragements. People may think that it's crazy to think of continuing to shout praises to God everywhere, wherever we are. But this is what I was and we were created for. What's causing me pain is my doubting heart. What's causing my doubts is my fear of the unknown. But there's no unknown right now. The ending will always be God's victory. Whatever happens next lies in His hands, not on anybody's.

We are merely humans, and so we are inclined to emotions. It is inevitable for us to feel down and broken. It is inevitable for us to be afraid and to fear what's to come. But above all these, we are assured and comforted by the knowledge that He will take over through all these things.

We are humans and somewhere in our hearts, we're looking up to a supreme being who can rescue us, because we know that we're incapable. But my trust in God is not a result of my humanness. My trust in Him is a result of His greatness. I look up to Him not just because there's this human need for a supreme being in me, but because He is there and He is worthy of my trust.

As always, it is God's turn to do something great and miraculous. And I am waiting for that. All I know is that He is there. He is here. And nothing else matters.

The Unexpected

A Long Post

Last October 21-24, 2013, some of the movers and multipliers from CCC movements from different campuses in Luzon gathered for the Luzon Student Congress: Juan Dream. And the impact it made in my life was unexpected. 

I was having second thoughts on whether I will attend the student congress since I find no motivation in going. I mean, I have had a tough finals week, and all I had in mind was to rest, to read novels, to watch films, etc etc. And honestly, the student congress will be cutting my plans for 4 long days. So here was how it went for me before the student congress:

Before Student Congress:

-reading novels

-watching films

-surfing the internet

-reading blogs

-planning crafts

And then days before the student congress, the delegates from the UP-DEPP (UP Clark) were already computing the expenses, the registration fees we don't have yet, and we were confirming the delegates' attendance. It was a little crazy since there were some who were suddenly backing out, and most of us haven't completed our registration fees yet. I think I was already driving our staff coach crazy that time hehe, but the Lord has plans! And He wants us to go, regardless of our problems, I know that the Lord has already crafted ways for us to go. And so we went. 

The only time I became excited for the student congress was the night before the first day. I think I was excited I haven't even got a minute of sleep. And so, October 21 came, hehe. As excited as the delegates were, it was a little embarrassing for Kapampangan movers because those who came from Pampanga were the very last ones who arrived at the meeting place (Philippine Campus Crusade for Christ National Office). Huhu. I can't explain how embarrassed I was at that time because we delayed the trip for one and a half hour. Hehe, but praise God, they arrived safe and sound. And after everything that happened, we were able to arrive at the Camp Benjamin, Alfonso, Cavite. Yipeeee. 

I was a little worried that I might not be able to concentrate because I didn't have sleep, but the Lord is good. Our first day was devoted to team-building activities which helped me a lot not to sleep hehe yehey! It was fun and I must say, it woke my veins up. Whooo! And so, I must say that I was starting to get fired up for the student congress.

The first night was a session from Open Doors Philippines. Graaaabeee, I have heard this very same session 2 years ago, but it made a fresh impact in my life, I mean what am I doing? I am in a free country, and I have all the means to share God's love to people, what am I doing slacking?

And there, yea. I slept early that night. Well, I was in danger of not being able to fall asleep again, and then, I made a new discovery: I can sleep better when listening to rock music with my headphones on. Hehe I haven't tried that before, and I just tried it during the congress.

Yea, and then, second day came, whooo, it was a little hectic for us, and certain questions and debates arouse, and for me, it was fun. I actually love things like that, makes us critical thinkers who don't just feed on whatever was being said. Actually, that's what I loved about the student congress, since it isn't just a training, we were free to speak, and mostly, we're encouraged to speak and to ask questions. The questions the students ask also help in evaluating different strategies CCC has come up with. 

Third day was awesome, I think it was the day that our movement spirit was really awakened. Ever since that day, I felt this urge started forming in my heart, and God knows how I could ever put these things I am feeling into words. 

Fourth day, last day, I know I am not the same. 

The student congress was really awesome. Our Juan Dream is to be able to build movements everywhere. It is still focused on God's commandment to us, the Great Commission:

Matthew 28:18-20 (NASB)¹⁸ And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. ¹⁹ Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo,I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

What was the student congress all about? It's more on strategizing ways to evangelize and disciple people who will disciple people. I have embraced what Paul has written to Timothy in 2 Timothy 2:2, so in my heart, I dream to see movements everywhere, I dream to witness knees kneeling before Jesus, I dream to see the truth unfold in front of every pair of eyes. Yeeeeaaahh! And I know I am Juan with my cojourners.

This student congress I know I've been different compared to my first training when I was in 2nd yr, and my 2nd one when I was in 3rd yr college. This time, I am bolder and not shy anymore. Haha, To the extent na nakakahiya na yata. Well, I became more comfortable with my cojourners, and I know that God has really changed me, gifting me with boldness! Praise Him.

Well, going back to my narration, I know I am not the same because God has truly captivated my heart. Super! He wants me to follow Him, well, ever since, He's been telling me this, but this time, when I heard Him call me to follow Him, I know it's really different. God wants me to obey Him with all I am, allowing me to prosper in Him. 

My heart is still heavy and burdened. I am excited to go back to my campus and shout how almighty God is. Hehe. I want this burden in my heart, that even if it is painful, I know it helps me. I want to keep this until classes start, and until Christ comes back. I want this fire to remain in me.

And after the student congress:

-instead of novels, I seek Him more

-I can't listen to music nor watch films (afraid that it will disrupt whatever I am experiencing)

-I chat with my disciples and cojourners as in. (I don't do this a lot. I don't chat a lot, unless it is important or it is an emergency counselling)

^ whoo. Of course, I didn't become totally different. I know that this is just a post-congress experience. I will be back to reading, and listening, and watching again. Probably, I am just allowing the fire to remain permanent in me. But, I know, that the Lord has really changed me, spiritually-wise. This was unexpected. I really did not expect anything to happen. I merely went with the flow, and God can truly work if He wants to. Wala eh, He really has plans my humanness can't interfere to. He wants me to be really His alone. And my prayer is for Him to truly captivate me. My prayer is maturity and spiritual growth, and I know God is already working in my life. :)

Yes, praise God forever. And now, I just can't wait. I can't wait to go back to Pampanga and do the labor He has assigned me, and I can't wait to finally see my Saviour and Master. :)

God bless you. 

DM

Nothing's sweeter than being able to get back to the Lord after sinning. It's a whole thing like, "Oh, Lord, I have sinned! I am unforgivable..." and then, you ask Him what you want Him to let you know, and He just answers in His own little big ways, saying, "My child, there's nothing more precious than you are and I forgive you." and you'll just cry your heart out, because it is not the first time this happened, and God forgave you again, because you know it is very hard to forgive someone who continually does you wrong but this big guy greater than all your worldly idols and royalties is more than willing to forgive you and to love you never-endingly, because you feel so loved more than ever, and because of a lot other things, and you wish you could stay like that forever.

This is just some sweet direct message that God told me very early this morning, and whoever happens to hit this page may hear God talking to them through this.

This is an excerpt from the book of Job, wherein Job was really struggling so hard, but one of his friends reminded him this.

Job 11:13-20

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹³ “If you would prepare your heart,
And stretch out your hands toward Him;
¹⁴ If iniquity were in your hand, and you put it far away,
And would not let wickedness dwell in your tents;
¹⁵ Then surely you could lift up your face without spot;
Yes, you could be steadfast, and not fear;
¹⁶ Because you would forget your misery,
And remember it as waters that have passed away,
¹⁷ And your life would be brighter than noonday.
Though you were dark, you would be like the morning.
¹⁸ And you would be secure, because there is hope;
Yes, you would dig around you, and take your rest in safety.
¹⁹ You would also lie down, and no one would make you afraid;
Yes, many would court your favor.

This is just so sweet and I felt God being really with me, talking to me, telling me what I gotta do. And this is not something that just randomly happens every once in a while. This is not the first time God spoke to me through His Holy Word, and I truly believe Him, if You seek Him with all your heart, you shall truly find Him. :)

The Lord is great! He is awesome! Who could be more awesome than Him? His love is pure! He is blameless. He is never changing! Celebrate His love and let His statutes be your fortress. God bless you! :)

Life (sigh)

Life. We always sigh this word whenever we feel like sighing. It's as if we blame it all on this 4-letter word. L-I-F-E. But is it Life's fault? Or is it the people holding Life? Are we the ones holding Life? Or we and the Life are one? I mean... ugh! Okay. Right now, I am so confused. Too confused, I say, there're so much questions and finding the answer is, like, it is so hard. Jesus Christ made a way for me to understand His will, right? He made it possible for me to understand that whatever is going on, He is with me, and He is the only answer! And, of course, I believe in that. That is among all the many things about Christ that gives me comfort. It's just that sometimes, it really is so hard to find God's will in my life. I try to understand what He really wants me to do. Why? Because I want to obey Him. I wanna do something that would bring Him honor and praise. I wanna glorify Him with what I do, that's why, in whatever I do, I seek Him.

That's why, Lord, right now, You know what I am going through. You know the questions lingering in my mind. In Your presence, I know, there is the answer. Despite my cluelessness, I trust in You. I have faith in You. With that, I believe, everything will turn out right. I entrust to You "these" things now. I believe You have the answer. I know... You will never fail me. Thank You, Jesus. -Your daughter :)