It's real, it's flying!

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Yesterday I celebrated my 20th year in this beautiful planet. T W E N T Y. Okay, not much of a big deal, except that it starts with the number 2. But it's okay. Really, it is. 

I was listing a "20 things I'd want to happen right now" list yesterday while I was in class. I always write cheesy things like that from time to time and it's funny, these things I want right now. Among the things I wrote was "Get a good job before my next birthday." And I went on to describe what a "good job" is. And then, I paused for a few seconds, looked up to my professor (who had been discussing all about Qualitative Studies in Research) and thought: Right now, I'm wishing that I'd already have a job before my next birthday! A job! (Adult life. Time is just so fast!)

Yep! By that time, hopefully and prayerfully, I'm no more in school and I'm already starting to track the pave stones to life! Ergo, few months from now I'd be even more entitled to explore my wonderful lifescape and plus plus plus. And life will get even more difficult, of course, but it's okay, because it's totally gonna be different and the puzzles of life will be even more complex but it's okay because that's how life should be and that life will remain beautiful, navy, and peach. I. am. so. excited.

Twenty. Sounds like a huge responsibility. I'm nearer to who I was designed to be, and there are gonna be more misses and hits but it's gonna be adventurous and that's how it is for all. I am excited. Right now, the things I do make even more sense. I mean they all had sense, but I see them from a twenty-year-old-girl eyes now (allowing it to sink in may not be too hard haha). The perspective started to be long-term. I will strive not for dreams that are just 2 meters away but for aspirations that are two earths away.

I will study more diligently not just to graduate from a degree but because I want to build a life after college. 
I will get into a healthier diet because my tomorrow self will thank me for that.
I will love people not just because I am inclined to do so but because affection and embraces are vital for me to keep going.
I will read more books to know the visions of the yesterdays and to understand the dreams of the future.
I will live in the present because my life is being designed to be even greater.
I will dream not just because that's all I can do but because that's where I'll get to.
I will keep falling for Him because that's all that will matter when the roads get rockier, when the oceans get deeper and when the mountains get steeper.

Yeaaa! :) More adventures to learn on wearing skirts! :) Happy 20th year to the dreamy me!

Concrete Girl: A Song for a/the Heroine

Concrete Girl (from the album New Way to be Human) is a song written and performed by the American band Switchfoot, which is also a super-favorite band of mine (because I love their music and the poetic atmosphere in their songs). Most of the time,  for a morning jumpstarter from my playlist, I play Switchfoot's groovy songs (e.g. Awakening, You Already Take Me There).

Anyway

This is the first time I'm gonna feature something like this on my blog just because

Last night or yesterafternoon, I was in the office (the site of my internship) and I was reprimanded. I cried in front of my boss. For (more or less) 30 minutes. And I don't understand why. Why was I doing that? I'm a total failure, I thought... while crying... and I cried even more. I was so fragile, I could be broken even more than I was already broken. From pieces to more pieces.

I was sorry I did cry. My boss really was sorry. She said she was, she even texted me last night. That makes things feel even more miserable. I made someone feel bad about herself. And while I was thinking that while I was crying in front of her while she's saying sorry to me, I cried even more.

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And then I rode the fx to home. Along the way, I put on my headphones and listened to music. Concrete Girl of Switchfoot played first. Here's how it goes:

Bleeding thoughts 

Cracking boulder 

Don't fall over 

Fake your laughter 

Burn the tear 

Sing it louder 

Twist and shout 

Way up here 

We stand on shoulders 

Growing colder 

Laugh or cry 

I won't mind 

Sing it louder 

Twist and shout 

Immovable shadows 

The concrete girl 

They'll rock your world to nothing 

And they're swimming around again, again 

And they're swimming around 

The concrete girl 

Catch your breath like four-leaf clover 

Hand it over 

Scream to no one 

Take your time 

Sing it louder 

Twist and shout 

Nothing to run from is worse than something 

And all your fears of nothing 

And they're swimming around again, again 

And they're swimming around 

The concrete girl 

Concrete girl don't fall down 

In this broken world around you 

Concrete girl don't fall down 

Don't fall down my concrete girl 

Don't stop thinking 

Don't stop feeling now 

One step away from where we were 

And one step back to nothing 

And we're standing on top of our hopes and fears 

And we're fighting for words now concrete girl 

And we're swimming around again, again 

And we're swimming around now 

Concrete girl 

(lyrics via azlyrics.com)

Then, what did I do while listening to this song, aside from hitting the "repeat current song" in the settings? I cried even more, yea, but, I reflected just like how heroines in movies do. I looked out the window and watched the fast-paced world, this concrete world. I watched the city lights. I watched the people. I tried to see where I am in this sea of people. I am drowned in this sea of people, but someone's telling me to not fall down in this broken world around me. I was like oh, Switchfoot, thank you so much!

It was like God was playing the song to me. It was like He was holding my hand, telling me, don't fall down. 

When you say something's concrete, it is something made of hard material. For me, when the surface of something is concrete, it serves to protect something that's fragile within it. I've always believed that I was strong and that no one could make me falter aside from myself. I can do things myself, I can cry on my own and stand up on my own. With what has happened, I feel like I failed myself. I don't know if I failed my mask or if my mask failed me. (I need to put on a different mask). I cried and let someone see that I am so broken. Of course, what they see is that I was crying because I was scolded. No, they're wrong. My boss didn't have to say sorry.

I was crying because I was so broken. I'm afraid for myself. I'm afraid to end up miserable forever in the same type of job or career. I'm afraid that my dreams wouldn't come true. I'm afraid about everything that hasn't happened yet. I was a total failure. I chose the monetary benefits over what could probably make me happy (because I earn allowance in my internship). I've always promised myself that I would never let myself choose high profits over my dreams but

And I broke down. The concrete girl I thought I was shattered because I hit concrete ground. When a weaker concrete hits another concrete, she gets broken. I was so embarrassed for crying because it felt like I bared myself in front of everyone, showing what I've always learned to hide. I prefer crying behind doors than in front of everyone's eyes.

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Switchfoot is right. I shouldn't fall down. The world is already broken! Why add myself there. I could never accept that I am fragile, because I think that that's for beautiful women with delicate skin only, women of my type has no other option but to be strong. I don't want to be fragile because that's for heroines of cliche storylines only. But anyway, I am fragile so that makes me a heroine. So, I need to allow God to rebuild me. I need to allow the Lord to be my concrete walls which will never break down.

Thanks, Switchfoot for this music.

Concrete girls out there, don't fall down in this broken world around you. X

To my friends

Hello and farewell

May play this as you read this:

It's been a long four-year journey with you. And I hope that saying goodbye won't totally mean goodbye.

I'm very happy that I met you. I'm very glad that you've all been a part of this little crazy college life o'mine. I've no regrets on the decisions I made (eg shifting courses, etc). If I were to go back to the time when I confirmed my enrollment in UPDEPP until today, I'd rather have nothing changed. I'd still go to the same course. I'd still read that plain dormitory advertisement (that's been vandalized with negative comments) posted on the wall, so the landlady would see me inquiring and ask me to join into that brood of growing up ladies. I'd still choose the same bed. I'd still choose the same seat I sat on during the first day. I think I'd still opt to fail the subjects I failed. I would never wish for anything to change.

I'm thankful for the journey. I enjoyed the detours, I enjoyed the roads, I enjoyed the laughter and the songs we sang. I'm grateful for the tears I shed with/because of/for you--they taught me so much. College life has been extra wonderful and exciting because of you. You were all once mysteries to me (and sometimes you still are). Ngayon, I can say that I know most of you already. I can say that I was able to share your lives. And it's truly amazing how this bond with you all happened.

I must say that I enjoyed growing up with you. Mukhang maikli ang four years para sa pagbabago at pagtanda, but from what we all have experienced, four years has been  long enough for us to grow up and discover lotsa things about ourselves, to prep us all up for the "real thing" after our childhood wanderings (syempre, in my case, I have yet another year to get over with). I can proudly say that I grew up with you all, and you are all beautiful pieces of this short life of mine.

I congratulate you all! I won't beg you to remember all this and to stay the same, du'n pa lang sa time na magkakasama tayo we have proven na that nothing remains the same, actually what I pray for is that you continually learn life and from life. Don't let yourself be stationary. Walk until you arrived beyond what you have dreamt of. There are so many things worth laughing and smiling for in this life, so remember to always find joy and beauty in everything. Always expand your horizons. If you may look back, remember things as if they're treasures, however heartbreaking they may have been unto you.

It's been a long journey, and I betcha it's gonna be a longer one after this, so, live it to the fullest, and may you experience the most out of it, and I pray that through it all, may God always be with you.

Places within the pages

I started to shrink to unreality these past few days.

When I say unreality, I mean dreams and imaginations or worse, places within the pages. Yes, I don't think they are good for the soul, well anyway, but they could be good, too. I don't really know.

People were given minds that could compensate for their ideas and ideals, so they should be maximized, not be slightly used and not be overused because both extremes could be dysfunctional. Anyway, yeah, I think I may be overusing this little brain sometimes, or probably I just have a huge brain especially made for me, 'cause as far as I am aware, I don't feel any screw loosening yet (And, I could contradict myself easily). Another anyway, I want to go to places I've never been, especially places that could hardly be real because I thought it would be romantic. When you say romantic, it doesn't have to be with a guy, right? A place could be called romantic even if there were no people there (or maybe because couples will actually love it being there? ugh. Devalues the worth).

I'll start with: RIGHT NOW I WANT TO GO PLACES I'VE NEVER BEEN. Imma rant this time.I want to go to Pemberley, to North Carolina (where, interestingly, I've found most love stories written), Green Gables, Maryland, where else, hunh? Oh yes, where was the Secret Garden located? I just wonder to what castle did Cinderella leave her slipper, or the coast roads where protagonists took their twists and turns. The house on the little prairie and other places where Laura Ingalls-Wilder spent her colorful youth. I'm thrilled just thinking about the Cemetery of the Books! Many else. What will I do there then? Just walk along these places and leave my footprints there, or probably live there for a week or two or a year or just a little while will do. Just try to witness what could have happened or what change would there be if a single feature from the place is located differently.

I don't want to imagine though that I am Lizzie Bennett or Anne Shirley, and try to mimic and live their lives. I just want to walk these places as myself rather than pretend be the characters I love. I don't know but I just don't feel like imagining I am a certain character, especially those that I love, it feels creepy and insane. Sometimes, I thought it would be better if I have been there for me to really be a part of the places and for my presence to be a part of other people's imaginations, but I realized I am doing a greater part being the thinker, being the one who imagines it all.

Aww, okay. My thoughts become so excited it explodes to randomness.

Sometimes, I think it does well to think of things which are alien to us, some of these, they really do exist. Of course, some of these are just imaginations. It doesn't do that because we don't see them, they are already fictional. Some exist somewhere within the wide earth, while some of these they do exist, but they are found within the worlds within our thoughts, and some were already part of what's past kept alive by memories and memoirs.

Someday, I know I will get to these places given the chances in life. Well, I could only go physically to the places which are literally real. And who knows who I'm going with. Hahaha

(As I was ending this blog post, I felt like there's music playing, probably the OST for Anne of Green Gables animated. Hahaha)

Some places in the classics (I don't know if the others are just replicas or they are the real ones):

ANNE SHIRLEY'S LIFE:

Anne's fictional room

Green Gables (fictional, I think)

Avonlea entrance

Road along Avonlea

Obviously, the places in Anne's life are my favorites. You've gotta read Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea to understand. Unfortunately, I haven't read the other books yet.

Here are others:

The ever dear SECRET GARDEN (fictional)

North Carolina beach

Little House on the Prairie (production design for the film, I think)

Pemberley (not sure if legit)