If you knew my heart...

If you knew my heart
And the wonders it seeks answers for,
The tales it keeps
And the mysteries it can unveil,
The truths it conceals,
Your eyes would perceive me as an inquiry

If you knew my heart
With all the hopes it cradles,
The loves it hid away,
The emotions it locked in swiftly
And its longings that haven't been satisfied,
You would pay attention and sincerely listen

If you knew my heart
And the neediness within it,
Wrapped with all the attempts to speak out,
The chances it would wanna take
And its daily set of failures,
You would know, oh you would understand...

No more

Succumbing to thoughts of afar

Filling the heart with some hope to entitlement

To an object which once had a name

But now is a testimony of what's long gone

"I remember" is but a subtle attempt

To craft into the present what has been

Time has just perfected its turn

Giving what has been the label, Memory

As it goes by...

I would have written in riddles, in a form no one would understand. But somehow, I'm in the mood to be transparent (without really revealing much), and to not get into metaphors.

Life has been a little too swift as the year started. I don't know, it's not that I'm a slow person. I guess that if I would've wanted to, I could have got along well with the pace I'm with, but nah. There are just a lot of things happening, and the "fun" thing is that there are more things going on in my head: things to be thought over, things to deal with, things to live with, and stuff. And there's this tendency to just drift into the flow and just not think about anything and just get by it. The problem with this tendency though is as attractive as it may be, I don't have it. It's always a wishful thinking for me to want to just go with the flow.

But the wonderful thing here is that I'm learning. For real. I experience this character-building procedure in the most uncomfortable way I could have, but then, I benefit from it. I get so much from it. Not for the present me, probably, because she is the one going through the pain and discomfort. But yea, she'll have her future thanking her for being courageous through all of it. And I'm kind of looking forward to that. Yea. I just want to see that the end is not anywhere near, and that everything is an opportunity to grow and to be more of who I have been created to become. And I just try to be hopeful about the things, and I'm really really stretching my heart to just trust and believe that I am well-covered.

I just wanted to anecdote this freezing, boiling moment because this is how the year started for me. I'm not in the hopes though to let it continue on with this mood because as much as I am learning much, I also crave rest and calm for my heart. I hope I would be just fine. I believe I would be.

011117

Humihiling ng isang baluting hahagkan sa maaaring masaktan

Upang magsilbing panangga sa maaaring makalapit at manakit

Ang pag-asa'y mula sa kaibuturan at may paunti-unting kinang

Humahanap ng lunas sa mga papayapa na, na sana ay humupa na

Ang paglipas ng pag-ibig at ng tinuran na kapayapaan

Labis ang pait at pighati nag-uugat sa hindi maunawaan

Para saan pa't nagaganap ang hindi kaaya-aya, para saan pa?

Kung maaari na lamang na lumisan at magbalat kayo

Nang sa ganoon ay maglaho na ang lahat nang tuluyan

122816

Flesh is failing, and the being is accounted for all it has let pass. Supposedly, the days are for words and motions, for realizations and dream-completions, but the being has been betrayed by what it has not given mind of. Now, it all has toppled over. 

First of the last, 16th

It's midnight and I am actually putting off things that, I'm quite sure, should be addressed soon. There's just a lot of things going on and I need the evenings as time for me to pause and look at the life I lived for the day, to pause and look at the life created in other people's minds, to pause and try to figure out what to watch out for when the evening fades. This reminds me of how much I used to hate sleep. Sleep just makes life shorter, and it feels like I'm missing out on things when I doze off somewhere else. I've always wanted to explore and go beyond, that I just wonder if I'd ever acknowledge boundaries. And it feels like time is running--so for me to be able to push through, I dreamt of staying up late.

Today is a different story. I am here wishing there would be enough time for everything, and that there would be enough time to wander in dreams. I feel like I am in dire need of rest. Don't get me wrong though, I'm quite happy and satisfied with all the things in my hands and around me, I just feel like everything can be fast. I love speed and I love how easily I can get myself to another place in short spans of time, but there are times when I need to get a hold on what's happening. I tend to forget I have a beating heart and a breathing soul. I forget they need a while to take it all in. So, I just need to make time for them to get watered up and refreshed so I can battle on again for the day. Sleep isn't the solution for that for me. I don't get refreshed within with sleep. I regress back to my childish desires of wanting to not sleep whenever I have overslept, I have this tendency to hate myself for dozing off, making me miss out so much.

I would have loved the mornings to get on with my reflections, but I always try to catch up on daylight once the sun rises. And besides, the bustle starts early on the day here where I currently am. So, what I have to do is to let them all be off before I could start with my me-moments. I am actually just randomly thinking right now. I don't even know if I have any purpose as such for having these thoughts written, but then, I love my own battle against sleeping. And what I do instead when I miss it out.

I guess that's it for the thoughts tonight.

112616

After a long day (and week) of conversations 

and of running and of walking about, 

I find myself pondering upon 

the mysteries of growth and change. 

There is a handful of things 

I fail to comprehend, 

there is a certain extent of self-contempt 

that wracks my chest--

I am lost in a haze, 

blinded in a maze. 

The days 

have been demanding and requiring. 

I find myself looking from side to side, 

trying to gauge the measure of the path I'm on. 

I don't know. 

Within the dying hours, 

I reflect and fail to understand. 

Am I taking any step forward? 

Why does it seem like 

I am retracting back and again

to the point where I have been 

when I was younger? 

I feel squeezed in in this being 

that doesn't seem to grow. 

I need to let myself out. 

I need to see who I really am. 

Or am I now who I should be? 

And the only key to it is acceptance? 

It's a wonder, a trick, a riddle. 

The self 

is the most difficult puzzle 

to figure out, 

and I want a way to solve it. 

Because apart from learning 

the real deal within me, 

I will be found in sorrow. 

How does faith and love grow? 

How does hope get into completion? 

I don't understand 

but what I am most sure of is 

that acknowledgment of the state of the heart is 

the first step, 

all else is a blur, 

but I want to say 

that the journey is on--

I am going to allow myself 

to be more than my confusion and regrets, 

my wonders and retraces. 

110916

Early morning sun rises

To shine through 

The lids of the windows---

To coax a sleepy being

Out to stretch its limbs---

As it wonders about

The framework for its design

And as it marvels at

The timeline it is walking in---

Calling to mind 

What it has dreamed of

And what it has not meant--

Things beyond its length

Those which slip 

It towards to,

And off its ground.

The Ideal Life

Mode: Blabber

Okay. So. 22.

Yep. Life has been so fast. I feel like I'm understating everything, so... LIFE IS SO FAST. I couldn't find better words to describe how intense and rapid everything is for me at the moment. I am aching for a slow down. Nope, just kidding. 

I am 22 for 21 days now, and it feels so odd how I am just 22. Man! How could I be 22? I mean I've waited all my life for this time to happen, and yet here I am marveling at the fact that I'm actually 22. How could that be? I promise not to make sense in this post so...

I've always waited for this age to happen. It feels like when I turn 22, everything will blossom into an even more brighter theme, and that life would be as clear as the skies after a horrible storm. As if there would be a rainbow in it. Or something like that. And here I am gushing over the fact that I am 22 and I'm still a bummer in my bad days, and I am still a loose talker in my good ones. Come on, couldn't I be a better individual uniquely tailored for a beautiful and serene and gentle existence in this aged planet? 

And suddenly, everyone else's life looks much more ideal than mine. I mean everyone's that isn't mine. I feel so uncomfortable being in my own skin. I feel like wanting to run from everything and everyone if I could just do it. I feel like dropping stuff off for me to be able to flee from all these wretched circumstances, and however much I want to just be okay with all these things (aka life), I couldn't. And being aware of how I am feeling makes it all the worse. Because of course, my value is to choose to see the beauty in everything. So this existence tantrum is on me. 

It's actually very difficult, to be honest. Well, I know, it's just a phase. And while I'm on it, I wanna anecdote it, probably, to remind myself someday that THIS kind of fit happens. I'm having a fit over life, come on. And when I just get to the threshold of all these overthinking and babbling, I would have to just move on. Because this is the time in one's life when the only way is forward. Just one step away or backward could make me trip.

My words could be piercing, my actions could be destructive, and my thoughts could be catatonizing. And if I want to live the type of existence I would want to have, I'd have to make way for my heart to understand that things aren't the way they used to be. This is the time of my life when I'm going to be taken seriously. So everything that I produce would take effect on the creatures and circumstances it is delivered to. In short, I have to be careful. I have to embody the woman that I am, difficult as it is. Because I'm not a little girl anymore. My decisions aren't trial-and-error-based. I am making my life. And I should choose the one which doesn't just give but also reflects the meaning and value of my heart. Because I know that the only way for me to not regret or regress is for me to be who I have really been crafted. It is not who I think I am, not who others think I am or should be, but the one that has been originally blueprinted in my being. 

And I guess, at 22, that's the journey I'm taking on. Maybe as the years go by, more questions will come up as some will be answered. Anddd, of course, failures will always be there. Yes, I should be more careful, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't fall or fail or get hurt or break people. But I could choose to live a life of value and meaning. And I guess, that the only way for me to be comfortable in my own skin is to acknowledge the love that I am worthy to receive and the love that I am capable to give. I have been wonderfully made for the reason of existence for a certain purpose--that which I am about to find out. I don't have to end up with solved puzzles at the end of this year, or even of this lifetime. I have to focus on the journey, and to live this life well. 

So, while I'm still on bumming, I have to do some catching up with my own life!

090116

Barely lit rooms
Bare feet
Turned left
Turning tables
Short breathing
Shortened moments
Wondering on truths
Wonders witnessed
Chest chained
Chests uncovered
Leaves cluttered
Leafing pages
Stretched hopes
Stretches of time
Lying on a couch
Lies to conceal
Worn out heart
Wearing fragments