September Woke Me Up

The past month has not been exactly jelly and cakes. There have been a lot of things going on, and I feel like I am losing track of myself.

A lot of things about me had been revealed to me. And I don't know how to absorb and reflect on these things when other things are happening with all these realizations. It has just been crazy. And I have to admit that, personally, I am sliding through it. I am back to my wandering tendencies. Ugh that's a disease that I can't get off me. Really.

Some stuff about my life... recently.

1.When I'm at the beginning of whatever I am doing, I can be so hyped, I can even die of busyness. And when I got the hang of it, I just... well, I slowly decline in whatever I am doing.

2. Then, there have been these heart dealings that I have to face. Unresolved issues from deep within that keep on resurfacing at the occurrences of triggers. And just when I thought that I am completely over these worthless and useless feelings, they'll just keep rushing back to me again--making me feel like a complete idiot. I don't like feeling helpless when it comes to controlling my heart from its outbursts, but it turns out that I do feel that way and it hurts my pride to be so immobile from all my um, well, feelings.

3. For once in my life, I seriously want to grow up...

I want to allow something greater than me to allow me to experience that supernatural transformation I can't get from myself. Because try as I may, I cannot.

"You have to start growing as a woman..." someone told me. And yea, precisely, well-said, just the right words. But how? It's something that I have to journey upon.

Being transformed doesn't happen in a click, I know. But I just realized that I am very childish and immature in a lot of ways. Mostly, with how I deal with my life. I just want to take my life seriously from this day onward. 

I am now growing older, and I should grow up! I should make an effort to subject myself under things which I am not comfortable being acquainted with. I should make use of my time wisely. I should make use of my resources wisely. I should make use of my life wisely.

Really.

4. IT IS NOT EASY. I can take challenges very seriously, you know. I can survive through them. I am not afraid of doing things which are difficult (according to human stereotypes). But in my desire to live a life of extremes and adrenaline rushes, I overlooked the basics that I should first deal with. I overlooked going through the easy parts first, that now, it is a challenge for me to go through them. And it's like I'm being pulled back to face them! And IT IS NOT EASY. I find them utterly boring, they kill me to my veins. But I have to face THEM.

5. I have to start loving myself in a deeper and more meaningful way.

I thought that being involved and committed in other people's lives is a way of living it. Giving my time for their consumption, allowing people to just overlook how I feel, allowing people to think that I can take in whatever--that I have a steel heart, just really overlooking myself in a desire to attend to other people's lives.

In my journey with life lately, I have been realizing how much in need of love I am. I forgot that I, too, have a space in my heart which is in need of affirmation and understanding. I've always been used to believing that people can do anything to me and it won't ever affect me, or people can just ignore me and it's completely okay, but lately, I have been realizing how I seek accountability, how much in need of "How are you?s" I am.

It's crazy because I feel like I am bothering people seeking those things, and I want to play smart and all grownup in this matter, but this is something I have to learn yet.

Basically, the past weeks reminded me some of the things that I should know but keep on skipping and forgetting.

I have to start considering the smallest things I do.
 I have to start getting in touch with my heart. 
I have to start being committed to my growth. 
I have to learn how to love myself and how to healthily accept love from others. 
I have to take life slowly, to ponder upon mysteries and discoveries. 
I have to live a life worship even through my weaknesses.

September 22nd blabber

I honestly don't know what to write, but I wanna write. I kind of even need to. Well, I badly need to. I need to "declutter" my head, spill from it thoughts, and well, organize these thoughts. It's not that I don't like thinking, it's just I've got too much in my head now. And they should be filed properly.

It's nice having to have thoughts. It really feels nice. It makes me feel ecstatic to have all these things roaming and flying in my head. (Honestly, I feel alive with all these presence within me). Another thing about me is that I feel at a high state of being, at a more responsible, at a more useful, worthy, et cetera mode when I have all these things I need to accomplish! Yea, for real. 

I feel like I am someone for something.

It feels bad having to do nothing. To think of nothing. To be dull and rusty. Right? It feels like whatever organs and heartbeats and oxygen that have been invested in you all go for nothing, nowhere. And so, it feels alive knowing that whatever you have in you contribute to higher and more important purposes, things which are beyond yourself alone.

It's true that life isn't a very easy adventure. But the fact that it is an adventure itself is well, wow, a really very great thing, isn't it?! To realize that you're in something as chaotic, dramatic, multi-everything existence, it feels great. And I wonder how it could be something so beautiful-- but it feels good to be alive. To breathe. To love. To grow. To be vulnerable to death. To be capable to live. 

Hooray to randomness.

Poem on Lovely Things

I wait for joyful things,

The greens and yellows,

And those long wanderings.

I expect good seasons,

The sun in summers,

And the rains when it pours.

I love smiles and laughters,

The short holidays,

And those wild adventures.

I breathe in melodies, 

The sound of dry tears,

And the tuned memories.

Monday with Him

Seeker of my heart
The One I long for
You whose love goes beyond life
And whose wonders are beyond skies
My all, I give You

How can I be more faithful to You?
I mused upon these words
How can I love You better?
I asked Your holiness

Is there any way?
When my heart is tainted,
And when I am always away
When my love is failing,
And I always go my own way

You are higher than the highest
Yet you love devotedly
You are mightier than the best
Yet you know me completely

Teach me to look at You 
And to love You until for ever
To hold on to You,
Even when it goes steeper

Let me sing with my life
And dance with my heartbeats
Let every breath that I take
Be a solemn offering
Before the King, the Highest, and the Loveliest

81715

And life has begun.

It is an amazing thing to find yourself rediscovering the woman within you, finding out more of your weaknesses, and how your strengths cover for them. It is an amazing thing to find yourself endlessly wandering the adventures of life. And it feels eternal. It feels boundless. It feels like whatever you're doing in the present will amount to something everlasting.

I am at a hype in my life right now. It is a must to find joy in all that conspires around you, and it is a must to perceive goodness through every little thing. And so, the extent of the beauty I see in my current existence is limitless. I feel like a lot of things could happen. And I know that I will see more things happen.

No, I'm not lying in a bed of roses. Actually, I'm residing at a completely different and completely opposite location. I find my heels always clicking for somewhere, I've found myself restless from thinking and thinking and thinking. All the energy within my system is being allocated somewhere, and sometimes, I feel like I need refill right at the moment I am about to exert more effort. It is not easy, in short.

But I am glad. Because my heart is full of love and joy. I am at peace that wherever I am, I am properly placed. The days will go by, and I will find myself completely drowning from deadlines, plans, and chaos.... but I know I will be fulfilled. My life isn't perfect, but I have the confidence that it will be lived as it should be, as long as I choose beauty and happiness, Love and goodness.

Broken Phone

The broken phone
With all its functions in it
The broken phone
And its value within
Brought all the importance it holds
Down to its brokenness and sorrows
From the messages it could have received
To the people stored in it
To the connectivity of all sorts
To the alarm that will never be heard

Funny how its brokenness
Could have brought melancholy to its proprietress
It was one early Saturday morning
That have been missed
A morning that could have gone differently
Had the phone not been broken
Had it been fixed and working
It could have been spent spent with glee
And the whole weekend dearly

But the phone was broken
And boy, did it bring her weekend heart with it

The Bend(s) in the College Road

On the 25th of June, I will be marching in a ceremony that denotes the end of one of the best chapters of my life yet: college.

I don't know how to describe how it feels. I want to go all smart-sassy about it, and just say how cool all this is right now, but no, I feel like I am walking along a wet roadside under the heavy rains, and I don't care where I end up. I feel like I keep turning to the left, right, back--trying to figure out if I missed something that's vital to my departure. I keep looking around to see who else are with me. And, I don't know. It feels totally weird.

I have been in school since the first thing I could fetch from my memory (I got into school before I turned two years old), and now: I am over it. I've been dreaming this since I realized that the desks and black/whiteboards aren't for me, but now that I'm here, I feel totally lost.

Not that I don't know where I'm going, because, I am quite sure where I am headed to. But the smell of the memories just gets on top of me most of the time. Like, a while ago, I just returned to my high school alma mater to fetch a form I need for my college graduation, and I just had to choke the lingering nostalgia to shut it up. I mean, I didn't wanna go on walking the staircase with tears doing a show for me, did I? 

And all these things, these photos, they just creep up out of nowhere (well, out of some attempt to commemorate the beautiful past before the grand blast) and they just make me go crazy. I miss the people so badly. And then, I will realize how lengthy this road had already been. Too long that it's not meant for another block... no, of course not!

And now, I am wondering if I have seized this 5-year season of my life enough to let it go, and to move forward. And I don't know. Nevertheless, as I said from a post a year ago: I would rather have nothing be altered. I have been crafted the woman I am right now through the experiences and people woven within my veins to my heart. I wouldn't have the words and the tears and the laughter and the smiles I have right now had it not been brought by all these little pieces of the crazy-I-am. 

In this time of my life, I know I have lived and loved. I have failed and discovered. I have been wounded and redeemed. It's a crazy shuttle of losts and finds. It's an adventure indeed. It is the memory of  my lifetime. In it, I felt young and wild, as I experienced adulthood and decision-making. There have been so many people, too many people, I think. And all of them are droplets to this little existence. Their essence is acknowledged, and it is just impossible to be where I am sitting right now, had it not been caused by the words, stories, walks, runs, fireworks, trips, rains, sunrises, and sunsets that occurred in this bittersweet moment of my little known life. 

The dreams of the people I started loving from this chapter creep through me, and they caused me prayers for their welfare. That all be well for all and each of them. That love may abound in their lives. And that life will be so much more greens and plenty.

The prejudices and the hurts, I leave to the past. All the hopes and promises shall be girded in my heart and memory. Things will falter and the roads will go steeper. The end of this, is well, as we all know, another's beginning. An exciting journey. 

To the questions unanswered. To the confusions. To the failures yet to come. All to growth and all for the portrayal of a grace boundless! 

How are you?

I am not a big (nor small) fan of small talks. People think that because I deal and talk with a lot of people, I must be a small-talk expert. Not that anyone told me this before, but I just think that people think that chatty people are used to, and are even enjoying, invaluable meaningless conversations. Not a chance I do.

Small talks and short meaningful conversations are two different things. I always go for meaningful conversations. I believe that people are not just simply hurdles to get through or stuff like that... I believe that each human we ever meet or acquaint ourselves with add to our being. Each soul is a piece in one's story. May what had been between you two is just as little as being co-passengers in a public utility vehicle. 

A three-minute conversation that talks about experiences or lessons always means so much more than an hour of detached, I-have-to-put-up-with-this-person-so-we'll-talk-about-the title-of-his-job-and-the-route-to-his-neighborhood kind of chat. People might be often surprised when I inquire of deep and awkward topics and issues. Not that I do this in the absence of my manners or my lack of reservations, but because I am always purely curious that I wanna know a story. People are always like books, and it's always been fun reading them. I'm also not doing this because I want to bear someone's tale, but because I wanna know what inspires, fuels, squeezes someone. I devour other people's dreams, passions, and pleasures. They just add up to my inspiration to do what I wanna do, and they help me grow even more as an individual. 

I am saying these because I just realized how much annoying and uncomfortable it is for me to receive "I'm okay" or "Still the same" responses whenever I ask someone how he/she is doing. I don't ask people how they are when I don't intend to know a story---a piece of what's up in their lives. I do this because other people's stories add up to my collection of life---a non-written compilation of the beautiful and devastating things that complete my very own tale. I know that there might be times when some people might not be up to talking about themselves, and I think it is quite acceptable to receive a response that says "I'm not actually in the mood to relate to anyone what's been up with me.", and that in itself is a story.

Bliss

Let the clouds shift to another season, and let my life be filled with passion. Let all the things which are storms and gray battle against me as, soon, I'll be over them. Flourish my little life with all your blessings and smiles, and leave me be with peace and rage colliding in my heart. For I have nothing else but the days which are coming, and the ends of an earth revolving.

Who Would Listen?

Surfaces get rough and things go crazy. The things we hold in our hands--as if in an attempt to surprise us--all of a sudden, explode into chaos and disruption. And we're left with the deafening shatters that pierce through the nerves. We just end up not knowing what to do. We feel alone, we feel abandoned, we feel betrayed. Our hearts beat in a raging act. The only dream we have left  is to just scream it all out and loud. To say that we're so over with life.

In our attempt to make a noise...

...who would listen?

Who would be our witness? Who would be there?

As I contend in this walk of life, I realized how diverse people around could be. Some people would try to solve us as if we're puzzles with lost pieces--something we're not. Because we're unsolvable creatures and most times we don't need solutions, we need outlets. While the others, in their self-seeking, wouldn't really turn their ears towards anybody else. Most times, people themselves are even the cause why we feel the way we do. People shove us off. We shove off people. Others make us feel worse than we already are. And the news is, we do this to others, too. Our care is limited to what satisfies us to a certain selfish extent. 

I realized that the search for the answer to my queries is fatal and may be in vain. 

You say, what a negative viewpoint to place humanity in. But I'll say, this is humanity bared and revealed.

We were created in a very special way, something our own selfishness destroyed. We were supposedly for love and loving, but we, oftentimes, emphasize the sorrow of our neighbors. We pound broken hearts causing them to be in smaller pieces. We do this because we oversee the oceans other people are warring with, because we think we're the only ones hurting,  because we think that we're doing so well battling by ourselves that other people should do the same. Our own hearts are so and too loud, we can't hear others' despair. We can't care for others' brokenness.

This is a sad truth but this may not define the whole of humanity. And I may actually be wrong. 

I'd be sincerely glad to be mistaken after all... for our call is to love and our gift is to be loved. If for one moment, we would stop and turn to see around us. To really see. To unveil our self-righteous or our self-focused eyes, to take in the sight of others. Maybe we would understand. Maybe the chaos in our core would be quieted. Maybe compassion could melt our melancholy. Just... scientifically, I don't know, but just maybe. Maybe the love that's been sleeping in us would mean something and would do something. 

You're asking, "Who would listen to me?"

You hear someone else asking, "Who would listen to me?"

Who would?