Just Why Exactly Do You Guys Do That

W H Y

I have these buckets of whys in me, but I cannot seem to ever get to the core of it. Just why do these people do what they do... they just think that the heart is an easy organ to play with, and that the only damage you can do to it is physical ...but


I don't know, I honestly wanna write a poem right now or something, but all I have is confusion in my head, and I feel like there are a lot of words, and I can scatter them all over the space at the top of my head, but I just cannot ever arrange them into something that'll make sense. All I have in my head is...

asfghjkl
qwertyuiop
zxcvbnm
lkjhgfdsa
poiuytrewq
mnbvcxz

^ and in my heart, I know exactly what that jungle means, but I cannot have it expressepd into words--written or verbal. It's just that... W H Y

My main idea right now is revolving around the question, "Why is it so easy for people to play with each others' hearts?" or something like, "Why is it so easy and normal for people to endanger someone else's heart???" or something like these questions here

IDK I am just ranting, and this is gonna be a nonsensical post. But I need an outlet because I think people are already tired of hearing me say these things and ugh this is  just so difficult to be expressed, and I don't know if I'll ever get down to it.

Just w h y y y y

Ugh

What to say

via

  Clouds have covered that which is beating
  And all that is seen are those which are fleeting
  Remember the queries that you spent solving
  All burst into a big gray space called nothing

  Spend, will you, time for meaningless
  And all you have in the end is a hill of no sense
  The roads are ran and are misty and dense
  Winds confirmed to that which is other than best

  The cares and thoughts slowly disappear
  Leaving a once dreamer stopping to wonder
  If hope is fatal and life is a response to a dare
  You will find yourself in a hanging somewhere

  If you move apart from where you stay
  And let all in your head be and go away
  Cast it before to where it must truly lay
  Maybe now and ahead will be bright as day

Well, happy birthday

I created this "baby" art on the eve of my birthday.

Yeah, I'm a girl who makes a fuss about my natal day. I mean, if not others, I want to make it special for me. I do it because I acknowledge the fact that it is a blessing to have gone through a year of storms and difficulties. And it's such a wonder to have left another trail of footsteps!

So, I am going to give myself an awesome birthday greeting. And just like any other birthday messages, I guess this will be awkwarrrd.

Skate Penny, 

Happy 21st to you. So you're young enough to wander the planet and old enough to put up with storms! Yep, this can be a year-round mantra for a life of adventures and detours. 

Every creation of the Lord has been perfectly created and designed. And so were you. You have been created with love in God's heart, and so you must be a woman created with great plans in His thoughts. Isn't it a wonderful thing to bask upon? Remember you are loved and that you don't need to seek for men's approval for you to know you are worthy. You don't need to place yourself in another's cradle just to realize that you're worthy. You have been created wonderfully and beautifully. You have nothing to feel insecure, sad, or depressed of. 

Good things have been planned for your future. All these things in the present are steps to get you somewhere unspoken of, but is very beautiful. You are being prepared for really great things. And so you be ready for it. 

The world is gonna hurt you one way or another. There might come a point in your life when the world is gonna hate you. But as long as you are fighting for and with love, as long as you are living for and with love, then there's no one who could tell you you're doing it wrong. Be filled with the Lord's Spirit in struggling with life, for then, you'll know what to do and how to battle life's great forces.

You are beautiful. Remember that. You don't need to be skinny, tall, prim. You don't have to wear fancy clothes, and to preserve yourself from speaking what you deem needs be said. You don't have to be too well-mannered that it prevents you from creating natural relationships. You just have to be yourself! You are wonderful. And really beautiful. 

You see things beyond their surface. You have judgment which may be judged as weird, but not without basis. You may not always see things from a bright perspective, but you see them as they are, and that's okay. You don't have to be sorry for how you naturally feel and think (because you do feel sorry most of the time).

You're bound to impact and influence more people's lives! Ain't it fun? These little pieces you touch will soon impact in changing the world, and you be excited for that! 

Enjoy your day, lady. You were created for greater things. Praise Him whose hands made you as you are.

Love, You.

Dapitan

(Late Post)

I'm sort of posting all at once since I haven't done so the time just after the trips happened.

Last August, we went somewhere down the country. What I loved about the place is that everything's cheap, the people are so accommodating and kind, it isn't polluted, the people are disciplined (eg. they don't smoke, they don't litter in the streets, etc), and it's a really very beautiful place!

Here are a few snaps from Dapitan, Zamboanga del Norte:

Traveled with this girl. That mini structure behind (at the left of) her is the mini airport of Dipolog. Really cool!

Yes, rides have days off. Cool, right?

*craves* MARAAAANG. This is among what I miss the most. You can buy this there for very low prices. It's just difficult to transport this one because it's a very delicate fruit. I am so thankful I have lotsa free of this everyday I was there!

Flower power. Really very lovely sight in front of a local church there.

Halo-halove you! (They have really yummy halohalo's there!)

That's the way

Where to go

Locals in the afternoon

Monument of Dr. Rizal by the Dapitan beach. This is actually a very historical place bec this is where Dr. J. Rizal (Pinoy national hero) landed when he was exiled.

Looking for dinner (Yep! I asked him what he was doing)

Restless feet

Calm waters! Layers of waves. I am in love. (Writing this makes me drool for adventures!)

Portrait of a lone wanderer.

*cries* Make me lie here once more

Felt this under my feet while I was dipping my feet. The sun was setting at this time. So much love! Really.

Dapitan beach at its finest. It was surrounded by trees and mini mountains. I am just craving for it once more.

Kid enjoying her freedom. Just because... she should!

I am just so amazed at the vastness of wonders that one is bound and yet to discover. There is just one big planet to explore yet, and I am so happy and feeling free to be starting these adventures at this age. 

Momhood

When I see kids holding their parents' hands, I just get amazed. How could have I grown away from that phase of my life? When did that start to happen? When did I start growing up?

Sometimes, I just get to thinking how I grew up into a "woman". Sometimes, I wonder when I started thinking on my own, deciding for myself, choosing everything for myself. 

via

I remember the times when it was just impossible for me to go to the salon on my own, to get my hair done. I would wait for my mom's consent before I even trim off a few strands. I could have never bought stuff for myself (except the street foods I bought and ate secretly since my mom didn't want us to buy these foods from the streets). My mom always had to be there. 

It's a wonder to me when I started just informing my mom, not even asking for her permission. It's like, "Mom, I have a flight on this day or that day." or "Mom, I won't go home until this day or that". Somehow, it feels natural, but when I think of it, I am just... wondering. How did it happen?

I can't remember the last time I asked her permission for me to do anything. Did I withdraw from her guidance and direction? I mean, she's still so special to me, but it's just that I don't wait for her to allow me to do anything anymore. And it's such a mystery; I can't remember when it started. 

What is so lovely about all these is that even if I go from places to places, and I find myself away and afar, I'll always have a destination. And it's home. And when I get there, I find this woman waiting for me, asking me the stories I just collected, asking me what I wanna eat, ready to wash the clothes I've just used up, waiting for me to tell her when I'll be away again, and hoping I wouldn't go too far, that I'd choose to stay.

Maybe motherhood is a trivial matter. They say it doesn't end. And I hope it shouldn't, because I still cling to my mother at a lot of times. But maybe the job description changes as the child grows up. And maybe it really takes too much heart for one to even consider being a mother. I guess it really takes much bravery to decide to be ready for it and to be one.

One day, I'll be further away. But I know somewhere in a little home, someone would be waiting for me, and it may take years and time, but she'll be waiting... ready to hear the tales of her wandering child.

Thailand Roadside

(LATE POST)

It's been a while since I last posted travels/mini-travels. Recently, I've been, let's say, traveling for a cause and I am very much blessed and privileged to be seeing so much beauty under the skies, within this planet.

Here are a few photos from our Thailand visit last July. (This is in Chaam specifically. We stayed there for a week for a conference. We were allowed one afternoon to stroll, yay.)

HOTEL

Our side of the hotel

By the pool

SKIES AND SUN

Morning skies. (The hotel we stayed in is by the beach)

Another morning.

  STREET FOODS + MARKET + OTHER ROADSIDE STUFF

Market

Their own kind of a tri-wheeled ride

*craves*

Cotton candies

Fish & Pork barbecues. What I love best about these is that they have fruits!

Roads

Jeepie

*craves again*

Exotic!!

Yep, I tried it. I tasted one insect for each kind, and paid the vendor 5 baht for all of it (haha)

Massage from the little finned friends. It tickles at the first few minutes! Really fun.

Strolling like a lady (ehem)

Thailand is the first country I've visited beyond the Philippines, and we had a pleasant stay there. I wasn't able to take photos of the food (I can't understand why among the 7 days I spent there I didn't have the sense even for just a meal to do so), and I am so sorry I didn't because the favorite thing I've ever experienced from the Thailand culture is their food! Really. They had really very delicious and spicy recipes.

Hooray!!

September Woke Me Up

The past month has not been exactly jelly and cakes. There have been a lot of things going on, and I feel like I am losing track of myself.

A lot of things about me had been revealed to me. And I don't know how to absorb and reflect on these things when other things are happening with all these realizations. It has just been crazy. And I have to admit that, personally, I am sliding through it. I am back to my wandering tendencies. Ugh that's a disease that I can't get off me. Really.

Some stuff about my life... recently.

1.When I'm at the beginning of whatever I am doing, I can be so hyped, I can even die of busyness. And when I got the hang of it, I just... well, I slowly decline in whatever I am doing.

2. Then, there have been these heart dealings that I have to face. Unresolved issues from deep within that keep on resurfacing at the occurrences of triggers. And just when I thought that I am completely over these worthless and useless feelings, they'll just keep rushing back to me again--making me feel like a complete idiot. I don't like feeling helpless when it comes to controlling my heart from its outbursts, but it turns out that I do feel that way and it hurts my pride to be so immobile from all my um, well, feelings.

3. For once in my life, I seriously want to grow up...

I want to allow something greater than me to allow me to experience that supernatural transformation I can't get from myself. Because try as I may, I cannot.

"You have to start growing as a woman..." someone told me. And yea, precisely, well-said, just the right words. But how? It's something that I have to journey upon.

Being transformed doesn't happen in a click, I know. But I just realized that I am very childish and immature in a lot of ways. Mostly, with how I deal with my life. I just want to take my life seriously from this day onward. 

I am now growing older, and I should grow up! I should make an effort to subject myself under things which I am not comfortable being acquainted with. I should make use of my time wisely. I should make use of my resources wisely. I should make use of my life wisely.

Really.

4. IT IS NOT EASY. I can take challenges very seriously, you know. I can survive through them. I am not afraid of doing things which are difficult (according to human stereotypes). But in my desire to live a life of extremes and adrenaline rushes, I overlooked the basics that I should first deal with. I overlooked going through the easy parts first, that now, it is a challenge for me to go through them. And it's like I'm being pulled back to face them! And IT IS NOT EASY. I find them utterly boring, they kill me to my veins. But I have to face THEM.

5. I have to start loving myself in a deeper and more meaningful way.

I thought that being involved and committed in other people's lives is a way of living it. Giving my time for their consumption, allowing people to just overlook how I feel, allowing people to think that I can take in whatever--that I have a steel heart, just really overlooking myself in a desire to attend to other people's lives.

In my journey with life lately, I have been realizing how much in need of love I am. I forgot that I, too, have a space in my heart which is in need of affirmation and understanding. I've always been used to believing that people can do anything to me and it won't ever affect me, or people can just ignore me and it's completely okay, but lately, I have been realizing how I seek accountability, how much in need of "How are you?s" I am.

It's crazy because I feel like I am bothering people seeking those things, and I want to play smart and all grownup in this matter, but this is something I have to learn yet.

Basically, the past weeks reminded me some of the things that I should know but keep on skipping and forgetting.

I have to start considering the smallest things I do.
 I have to start getting in touch with my heart. 
I have to start being committed to my growth. 
I have to learn how to love myself and how to healthily accept love from others. 
I have to take life slowly, to ponder upon mysteries and discoveries. 
I have to live a life worship even through my weaknesses.

September 22nd blabber

I honestly don't know what to write, but I wanna write. I kind of even need to. Well, I badly need to. I need to "declutter" my head, spill from it thoughts, and well, organize these thoughts. It's not that I don't like thinking, it's just I've got too much in my head now. And they should be filed properly.

It's nice having to have thoughts. It really feels nice. It makes me feel ecstatic to have all these things roaming and flying in my head. (Honestly, I feel alive with all these presence within me). Another thing about me is that I feel at a high state of being, at a more responsible, at a more useful, worthy, et cetera mode when I have all these things I need to accomplish! Yea, for real. 

I feel like I am someone for something.

It feels bad having to do nothing. To think of nothing. To be dull and rusty. Right? It feels like whatever organs and heartbeats and oxygen that have been invested in you all go for nothing, nowhere. And so, it feels alive knowing that whatever you have in you contribute to higher and more important purposes, things which are beyond yourself alone.

It's true that life isn't a very easy adventure. But the fact that it is an adventure itself is well, wow, a really very great thing, isn't it?! To realize that you're in something as chaotic, dramatic, multi-everything existence, it feels great. And I wonder how it could be something so beautiful-- but it feels good to be alive. To breathe. To love. To grow. To be vulnerable to death. To be capable to live. 

Hooray to randomness.

Poem on Lovely Things

I wait for joyful things,

The greens and yellows,

And those long wanderings.

I expect good seasons,

The sun in summers,

And the rains when it pours.

I love smiles and laughters,

The short holidays,

And those wild adventures.

I breathe in melodies, 

The sound of dry tears,

And the tuned memories.

Monday with Him

Seeker of my heart
The One I long for
You whose love goes beyond life
And whose wonders are beyond skies
My all, I give You

How can I be more faithful to You?
I mused upon these words
How can I love You better?
I asked Your holiness

Is there any way?
When my heart is tainted,
And when I am always away
When my love is failing,
And I always go my own way

You are higher than the highest
Yet you love devotedly
You are mightier than the best
Yet you know me completely

Teach me to look at You 
And to love You until for ever
To hold on to You,
Even when it goes steeper

Let me sing with my life
And dance with my heartbeats
Let every breath that I take
Be a solemn offering
Before the King, the Highest, and the Loveliest