Scent

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I woke up to the feeling of familiarity.

To a scent that reminds me of a past I am trying to do away with. 

It was once the scent of waiting, the scent of anticipation... it was the scent of falling.

Now, all that it is is the scent of longing, the scent of losing, and the scent of forgetting.

The surface of the scent is that of a Sunday laundry--of a soapy mixture. 

But along with it, is a reminder of what once was.

Along with it are the memories associated to the things that will never be.

And what follows the reminiscence is the wish that I would never smell this scent again. 

Or that when I do, the memories wouldn't come along with it anymore.

I never thought that there could be a scent that could break a heart. 

On the second

The roads just passing through
People hurrying about

The heart splitting in two
Between the city and the town

Skull cracking from the travel
But things are yet to be done

Praying all things be well
As I rested and had fun

Life is unfolding back again
While away the rest is slippin'

I say "Let things just happen,
Bring it on wild, lovely 'Fifteen"

What a year

2014.

Just like any other, I'd be giving my year a reflection and a review. It's inevitable to write this one, especially that this year might just be the most memorable one for me. No kidding.

What have you given me, dear 2014! You are such a door. If ever you are anything, you must be what I call everything. From a pseudo- and one-time theater career, to a glimpse to an office job, to spearheading really big projects, to "lawsuit" cases, to an almost-kind or whatever relationship, etc etc, you are quite kind to me. (That was a sarcastic and genuine remark)

You are such a darling. Looking back, I know that I haven't experienced anything this huge in my life before. And to think that all these things belonged in a year. I mean. Wonderful, ain't it. It's like I could ask "What would happen next year? Everything already happened in 2014." or something like that. But I know what exactly you are. You are such an appetizer for a grander trail of courses. I gotcha right, didn't I?

If I'm gonna do this by month, surely this will be long. But... oh well, let me just write my year summary.

The entrance of the year was great. Just like any other, I must say. My most memorable adventure from this month was our Clark Nature Park adventure where I slid along the longest zipline of my life (I don't actually know what verb is supposed to be used here) Okay. I won't just go on narrating stuff, I'll be inserting some reflections and dramatic stuff too. I like the zipline one because it was the first time I felt like flying! For real. At first (as always), I was so afraid I wanted to detach myself from the safety harnesses (?), but I went on and tried it, I knew I wouldn't miss it, I just always needed the dramatic clincher. Oh well, what a joy it was! I felt like flying. In the middle of my "flight", I spread my wings and closed my eyes, and well, for a few seconds, I had a glimpse of the life of the birds. It was truly wonderful that I can still feel the breeze battling against my widespread arms. Now I'm sure I'm gonna try one like it again.

For the month of love, well, this was a whirlwind kind of month for me. I really don't know how to describe this one because my memory says that I was very emotional this time of the year but I already forgot what it felt like. A lot of things happened this month (I say as I look back at my 2014 datebook), but what I can highlight from my February this year is the time I played a role in a mini-Valentine presentation in our college, presented by our arts and culture department. It was a mini-musical which tackled the concept of the traditional harana (serenade) in the country and it was my first time to do something like that! It was really amazing, because as small as the play/musical was, it was still in my bucket list to perform in that kind of setup and it was really fun!

March was good. Just like any other last-month-of-the-sem experiences, it was one great ride. Yep. As usual, I think. I guess what I like best from it though was when I attended the Passion Manila concert with my best friend. It was a worship night and it was my first time (too much first time's, eh?) to attend a huge worship gathering and it was so good to the heart, that I was able to see the fame of the great God. How wonderful was it!!

Talk about vacation? Yep, since UP went on some grand academic calendar shift, we had 4 months of vacation before the classes started. And all I can say is that April is one awesome month of adventures, dates, escapades and stuff. But, oh well, what's most memorable is when I started my internship at this month. And hmm. That was an experience.

May was a month of rest. Not much happened here.

June was kind of a jumpstarter for the following months. Movement-wise. My most memorable activity from this month was our week-long campus missions, where we looked for people who can pioneer campus movements in their schools, and it was fun. It was faith-stretching as we shared the Gospel in fastfoods, we sneaked into campuses to share to their students, and we waited for people to respond. What an adventure that was. And a great one it is.

If I would be asked what my most memorable month of the year is, no doubt and no thinking twice, I'd say it is the month of July. Words and music were lovely, especially if it is from you to me, I'd rewind and reread the days when it's you I was with.

August was a lot of things to me. First, it was truly encouraging and very very challenging to be entrusted to spearhead a project for the movement. It was a digital outreach to be attended by students, and for me, it was not just faith-stretching, but it also caused me to grow more in my faith and in my leadership. I cannot say that the event was good enough but I can say that it was successful with regards to the hearts of the people involved. It caused me to be stirred emotionally and yet I was able to see more of God's goodness and faithfulness.

Latter part of August: Did you hear that? Shattered and turned into pieces. Should July have never happened? I want you distant. I want you apart. I want back my heart.

Challenge you say? Alright, this (September) may be our face-the-giants month as our campus movement struggled with um an almost-lawsuit kind of case. I won't elaborate on what happened, but all I can say is that through this all, God's faithfulness prevails and truly His upper right hand lifts up His beloved children.

October is the month of my birthday and it was awesome as I've had three surprises! Thanks lots to my lovely friends. It felt wonderful to celebrate my 20th. Really. I mean, I saw how great God is and how wonderful the people around me are. But I must say that my October highlight was the fireworks festival in Clark! Was it awesome? Define awesome. All I remember was my friends and I were dancing like crazy under fireworks-lit skies and music was all around us and slices of pizza and kids dancing with us and it was great really. One of the happiest nights of my life! How wonderful is this world. Tell me more of its beauty because if I'm only twenty and I'm experiencing this much already and this is not yet half of it, hey, this is such a wonderful life.

November: My face is tear-stained, yours says all-memories-cleared

November was my busiest month ever. I've never been this organized and conscientious with my academics work but hey, how lovely art thou Novy, how plenty are the zits you gave me, oh these strands of white hair in my head how many, you are such a beauty. But still, I'm thankful because I loved the busyness and I loved the feeling of being preoccupied. Meant a lot to me.

December is just happening as I'm writing this. I don't know. I'm praying that the year ends well. I have great hopes on that. I mean this has been a great one! I've never been closer to God in my life than I am right now, and I've never written with so much blood in my poems. This year really meant a lot to me. Another thing I'd want to applaud this year for is that I've never felt so matured in my life than I am right now, and I felt like it's not just this false and idealistic feeling of being a grownup but it's really something different. I've never felt so in control and I've never felt wiser. I know I've got my heart really crazy and raging this year, but no matter what happened, it was all a fair and decent ride.

Cheers 2014! Thank you.

Excerpts

These are excerpts from a goodbye letter that will never be sent to whom it was addressed to...

"As all of it were my decisions, I have learned from this endless cycle of grief and anger that letting you go and letting all of these feelings go should also be my decision."

"Before I let you go, let me tell you some things."

"When I first met you, I've had no impressions on you. I really didn't notice you though I've had this chance of talking to you. The first word I ever told you was "sorry". Do you remember? It was even before I knew your name and before you knew mine."

"And you were the quiet and reserved one. You kept to yourself. How did I know?"

"I wasn't awkward because I liked you, I just had this habit of being awkward around you!"

"All my hatred on you suddenly were lifted. It was a from zero to hero drama. You were suddenly interesting."

"I'm suddenly losing myself. I don't know, I'm not sure if I can continue with this letter...."

"I was afraid of being around you because I might not have anything to talk with you about. But I was surprised that the time I had with you wasn't enough for me to talk with you about things. It was so easy talking to you. I don't even recall trying to make an effort. Stories, thoughts and ideas just flowed from me. Please. Don't think that any of these mean anything romantically. No. Well, not yet."

"I suddenly felt like I could talk to you about anything. And talking to you makes me smile. Maybe because you were also always smiling. But I realized that there's something weird about your smile."

A Little More Time

Just give me a little more time to grieve over you, just a little more time until I have completely moved away from whatever it is that's been keeping me trapped in the illusion that there was, and there is us. Just give me a little more time until I forget you and until I am far removed from whatever it is that has been between the two of us...

You and I, individually, we're real, together, we're fiction. I am a woman who was stupefied by the beauty of words and stories, that I allowed myself to fail to recognize the lack of reality from your side. I could never justify myself with all these "I thought"s, for these thoughts should never have occurred in the first place.

I will not think of how I fell for you. And I will not cry over how I've got my heart broken. I will not return and come back. And I will be alright. I will be alright. All these after a little more time. Not just yet, for today, I will let my heart continue to melt in despair and longing. Today, I will indulge myself with torturous thoughts of the past and the fictional future. Today, I still ask God why. Today, I tell Him and admit to Him how it hurts and maybe He could do something with this little, weak organ of mine. Right now,I will still contemplate... and hope. Yes, funny. But the hope is alive within me, sparkling and shining like there could never be anything else breathing but it. What a funny thing that hope could be such a tease, a mocking idea that is in front of me.

You tell me I'm pathetic for being the way I am? Well, I couldn't describe myself with a far better word. That's what I am. Maybe I thought too much, maybe I was a dreamer. Maybe I color everything that were supposed to be left black and gray. And maybe, or really, this is how I was supposed to end up.

Just a little more time. I'm sorry that it's taking too long. Is a little more time too much? Is it enough? Where do I go after that? I don't know, but I pray it's not here anymore. I pray that after this span of time, I can fuel myself to move forward and away, away from everything that is you and me. And after a little more time, I pray I could finally say "so long, old friend".

I Wish The Rain Would Remain

I wish the rain would remain...

Because it gives me this feeling
     I could rest all day
And the world is more poetic
     When it's colored gray
It makes me think that
      To reminisce is okay
I think it'd be easier for you
      To say to me 'Hey'
And it'd be natural for me
      If I ask you to stay
Maybe it'd be lighter to
      Just blabber and say
All the things that our hearts
     Would want to convey

Let me tell you that

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Hello You, 

Whenever I think of the future and of intertwined fingers, and of the things that happen on the road, I think of you. I dream that it will be your skin touching mine, tickling a sleepy melody to rise to life.

And when thoughts about blue darkness and shining stars emerge in my head, surely, I think of you and our voices under them.

I think of you and me and everything that could stitch us together and of you and me 
and everything beyond our fears. I dream of your smile glowing despite the dim skies. I dream of your voice surveying the outline of my ears. I dream of the stories we could ink on the time that passes us by. 

And I am immersed in the beauty of the possibilities between our wandering souls. I dream of you and I think of you. I think of you and I think of how I'm dreaming of you. 

Skate

Sudden

I want to exist. 

But I want to be unseen. 

I am not afraid to shed tears. 

But I fear the possibility of being heard while I sob. 

I want them to understand that my heart is fragile and easily broken. 

But I want to look like a tower, invincible and hollowed.

Sometimes, I wonder how much I understand myself. I know my misses and my incapacity. The loudness that I pose plays veil over everything I'm trying to conceal. And each day that I get to see more of the skies and the roads, I see how little of a piece I am under and within these unending walls. I try to perceive my confidence in myself. I am a lot of things, as we all are. And mostly, I am nothing. My words are as incoherent as my thoughts are. I try to continue on searching and living. I, I am. Always trying. Always looking. Wanting. Craving. 

Spell Beautiful

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We are all broken,
That's how the light gets in.
-Ernest Hemingway

Sometimes I get confused with preferences and standards. The concepts of the un-beautiful and the overlooked. Are we always boxed within predetermined concepts that we end up adjusting to meet those standards, failing to find out what's true, pure and sincere? Wouldn't it be a lot more empowering to understand and perceive surfaces with the context underlying and surrounding them?

What is the meaning of "beautiful"? Is it an appearance or is it an expression? An appearance that is changeable and variable with time and events? Or an expression of something that is within, of something more powerful and more genuine, of pains, joys, curiosities, and passions?

You are beautiful. I'm not saying this because this line has been available and rehearsed by most people to appreciate people. There is a certain depth to these words that only those who choose to look will understand. Everyone has beauty. And every one of us should appreciate each other's beauty. But let me add another idea here. 

We are all beautiful but this beauty we possess can only be visible if we choose to show it. Never think that the definition of beautiful is the standard set by people whose eyes see only the shallowest. The beauty in you is the reality that is within you. It may be absurd, it may be unacceptable, it may be imperfect... according to the predetermined standards. What makes you real is what makes you human, and that itself makes you beautiful. 

We have fears. We are afraid that the reality in us may limit us from being accepted or loved, but true acceptance and true love sees through imperfections and weaknesses. True love appreciates real beauty. When we tamper this authentic beauty with pretensions and with efforts to climb up the society's standards, that's when we choose to hide the beautiful in us. But if we remain true and pure, then, there would we find those who will love us with sincerity. We should allow people to love the real beauty in us. 

You think you're unusual? There's so much beauty in what's different. There's so much beauty in the real expression of the spirit within everyone's flesh. Don't get bothered that you're deviated from the norms, as long as it's real and true, it is ethereal and worthy of love and appreciation.  

These words are not new. They've been paraphrased, translated, rephrased, spoken, written, believed, rejected, passed on from nations to nations, among peoples, throughout time. But its timelessness proves its strength. All of us should be reminded of these things everytime, so we might not falter to look for the wrong kind of love through the wrong ways of beautifying ourselves.

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A reminder to self

PS, this certain post's font style is annoyingly different from the whole blog's font style. Tried to do something about it, but it ain't changing ugh. Just saying.

Written

Your words ink

Memories into my heart

Printing permanency

To promises

That will

Never be forgotten

Carrying on

To all

The tomorrows

I'll have

Remembering

And Falling

For you