On Reality and Stuff

Oh, hello. This is another post (a kind which I have not done for quite some time now) wherein I promise to blabber with the random streaks of thoughts in my head, so expect it to be disorganized. 

As earlier noted, it's been quite some time since I have written something straightforward/essay-ish on this space. There had been a lot of things occupying my mind, life, and heart and I just felt a little protective about myself when it comes to being too vulnerable online, so I have been speaking in riddles or in poetry. But apparently today is a different one because I'm choosing to kind of let some words spill out, not in any hopes that a multitude would pass by this narrow street of thoughts (aka my blog), but in hopes that whoever might would kind of get inspired (???) *laughs because I'm quite unsure about what my greatest purpose for this is* 

Okay then. 

Hi again. 

If I would describe life at the moment I would say that it is a vast sheet of mysteries (aka uncertainties/guesses/risks/wonders). There was once a point in my existence that I thought things would get stagnant because they seemed so bright and fun and wild and free, and it felt as if nothing would go downhill and my greatest fear at that time was that I would cease learning because everything seemed great. Years after that, I feel like I would give everything to be back there. Serious and just kidding at the same time. 

Recently, things that some other young adults go through became real with me. I struggled through anxiety, recurring sadness, and much confusion about the people and world around. I tried to reevaluate personal values, backgrounds, and cultures. Decision-making, taking responsibility, speaking up, getting rebuked, learning-- all these and more took some major part in the past months of my life. But the one good thing about all these is that going through stuff like this, I became more founded in what I believe in and my knowledge about people and myself. It kind of sorts out tangles on my assessment and assumptions of the dynamics of the society and, here in front of me now is a clearer picture of the scary world called Reality. 

I'm 23 and I feel like I'm looking at a crossroads that's definitive of a huge amount of the future that follows after my next choice of step. Whatever I'll choose would mean much about this crazy adventure, and although I'm not afraid of it, it would bring discomfort not to be in the right place. As I'm gauging how to take on things from this point onward, I look at myself and try to work some self-discovery out and try to identify my values, personal visions, uniqueness, places of productivity, and other inner stuff that I can translate into outward acts-- although on these things, I'm still half-lost right now. 

The greatest thing about my latest journey probably is the extent of self-discovery that leads me to deeper worship to my Creator. I have learned that everything beyond my ideals is so complex that things can get frustrating when I come to see its reality that it becomes a wonder that favor and restoration can be found in the corners of this complex (to the point of damaging) ground. The lovely Author of everything has just shown me the depths of His unfailing love for me and so I have to learn to channel that out to those around me and especially to myself, that's why the most glorious weapons I can use at this point are understanding and forgiveness. 

At the end of all these, I just want to keep on seeing the beauty in existence, to appreciate the atrocities that allow me to see transformations, to believe when things get dim because they stretch my heart to be stronger. Thoughts like 'without challenges, there would be no victories', 'there would be no light if there's no dark', 'beauty would cease to exist in the absence of unpleasantness' became real to me. I realized that I can start seeing and giving a greater amount of love, hope and beauty because I have struggled with and seen brokenness and grief. 

Among the things I've resolved to do then is to be more free to express on paper (or on computer) and to explore the world up to its limits and to extend my hand and heart to love, affirm and forgive endlessly. It's not so bad then after all, even if I have no chance to go back to that all-sunny life I once had, because I realized that, through the broken and shattered walls of my being, Light could shine through.

(I'm ending this post with a lot of gaps in it. I feel like there's something more I want to add to it, or as the person who drafted this, I feel like I need to squeeze out more thoughts within me in this one, but this is it for now.)