What I Wanted To Say

I wanna talk. And say things. But it feels like all these thoughts are entangled in my head. I resolved to just write them, but it's crazy, because it feels like I need to come up with an outline just to produce something which makes sense. There's just too much in so little.

Would you mind if you just stay here for a whi

I like remembering your smile--that which annoys me hundred times...

I don't wanna talk about this...

But it annoys me that nothing seems therapeutic enough to let me get over these thoughts with--

I'm having this internal battle. I think I'm headed to being crazy. Oh, I think. I already am there.

I cannot measure the days as to something which is equivalent to the capacity to move forward. For as I have proven, and despite that I tried to forget all about it, to feel different, despite that this disgusts me on a VERY HIGH level, I still find myself lingering over things about---

Your very presence--that which I look for--annoys me. So deeply. Am I a fool?

And I feel like I have been linking myself with the things I should have been avoiding. Darn the holes.

I've been trying to come up with a riddle-ish set of words, but this time, I just wanna be straightforward and be honest about matters.

I feel like I've l---d and lost, and I'm still losing. Without even giving. Please.

I just have to breathe in deeply most times and try to exhale it all out. But it's so crazy because hardest might I try, it remains.

I miss you. And I couldn't miss you better than when you're in front of me, yet you still are so distant. 

Again, I wanna quit on talking about this.

But I feel like I have to.

I might just have to stop here.


PS, Skate Penny going hopelessly (shamelessly) hopeless over something called---

I don't know

I don't know how to speak. And maybe, I don't know what it is that I need to speak of. I am forewarned about life, but most times, I still get surprised by the strength of its force. I am confused most times on what is acceptable and on how to accept things as they are. I am barely capable to hold it all in, neither am I capable to move against such things.

That's why I like poetry. Poems speak without having to speak. And I like that. There's a strong desire for me to let it all out. But there's this strong sense to just keep it all in. The only balance between the desire and the sense is poetry. And I saw how it has been a wonderful tool, until I have to speak. And to really speak in this matter. 

I know that even my speech right now is in a form of a riddle or a puzzle, if anyone may try to solve it. It may be a piece of blabber to everyone else who don't care. But maybe sometimes I have to speak up and speak out. 

And say: I am hurt. 

That's what I cannot say. The state I've always hidden behind a string of words, paired analogies, and stuff same. Somehow, it is much more difficult to say these three words than to write a hundred-word piece going round in circles only to get to that point. Because I can't. I started off by saying I don't know how and I don't know what is to speak of, but I have come to the conclusion that: I am hurt. 

I thought I prefer honesty over kindness. It annoys me to think that people think I'm incapable of handling the truth so they just try to wrap it up prettily. I can hardly handle kindness, I thought. But then, I realized that neither could I handle honesty. Because it hurts. And when a hurtful truth has just been presented, I try to find a hole in it. To refute it. To say that maybe it is not as it has been said it is. But what can I do? The endpoint should always be acceptance. 

And it's difficult. 

When you're hurt. 

And I don't know. 

I just don't know what to speak of anymore. 

A Short Passing of A Moment

In a haze, it was tried to unveil the lids of two drooping shells
To try to spill ink to a sheet of a welcoming leaf
What is there is a bunch of narrations coupled with desires
To pluck the anguish solidified and hiding from the core
Just to deliver a moment out in the open
That which happens but is without a witness
The one which stays but cannot be used for guidance
It has been tried to be left to be with the footsteps
But has come along with the length of the trail ahead
And when another set of confusions is up and coming
The shells are now ready to rest and doze deep into the night

Hafa Adai!

One way to celebrate existence is to acknowledge the beauty of the world around it. And one way to acknowledge the beauty of this world is go and see it. And I am one who has been blessed with much privilege to see the beauty of some parts of this planet. And to be able to do this with a cause is the heart of this privilege.

Our latest trip for a missions project last October is in the beautiful island of Guam--a place which is three hours away from home (by plane), but feels a lot like home.

It is indeed very beautiful. And the people are so beautiful. There's too much beauty in this existence, ain't it?

There are too many photos as we've spent two weeks in it. And I've already filtered this, but I just wanna share (to possible pedestrians who will pass by my page) how beautiful it has been.

The locals were very welcoming, and we had lots of tour during our free time. Looking at our schedule, it has been a busy two weeks for us as we were there to do the cause of the visit, plus, we also obliged (much to our joy) to invitations from the lovely people there.

Let me give you a look around the island...

RANDOM TOUR

Given that it's a US territory, you can find bits of the States in it. Like this replica of that very famous statue.

And this is the bay by that replica. Isn't Guam so blue?

  

These are my teammates having a team devotion time near the statue, by the bay.

Another statue. This one's found in the Two Lover's Point Park. And i guess they resemble two lovers.

The legend in a tablet. Which from this shot is quite difficult to comprehend.

So we have another wall of hearts someplace in the planet. Still at Two Lover's

Lovely view from Two Lover's Peak

The waters below.

And the endless blue... haaaaay this one's the real deal. I have already started imagining a room to build with a very close view of this one. A plan trapped in the imagination

Asan Park bay

Cannot remember. Ugh

Western trees in the tropics.

Road

Random wild greens photo

Traveling peg.

Yo name hurts.

 

Chamorro night dancing. At the Chamorro Village This lovely happens every Wednesday night. Like a nightout x market thing.

Samoan Fire Dance at the Chamorro Night

What is Guam without the latte stones. This one's a distant view from the latte stones. These latte stones date back to the time before anything has been written in record in Guam, so it's real purpose isn't proven. But the locals were most comfortable believing it used to be where houses were founded way back then.

Beautiful view! I can't remember from where though ugh

TALO'FO'FO CAVES

View from somewhere up there on the hill of the caves

Mandatory shoe photo

Ancient writing on one of the caves. This one's pretty cool. I think it resembles a fish bone.

Streak of sunshine from deep within.

This girl is so cute!

 YPAO BEACH

An On-the-road-peg.