There's a hollow box containing coldness
Somewhere in the passage of my voice
Along where my breathing comes and goes
I tried to let it all out to free myself
From the questions it is packed with
But the more I do, the colder the air becomes
I feel a thousand hot daggers in my chest
All in the size of the biggest needles
The heat of the blades burn the surface
I try to pull it off to rid myself of it
To take the puzzles afar and away
But the more I do, the hotter the pain becomes
Friday 24 April 2015
Sunday 19 April 2015
The Jar
It is standing right here, by me. I see it, and it calls me to guess: Am I real or am I a dream?
I am a little tempted to open it up and figure it out, but right now, I am looking at it numbly, "I don't care what you are". It knocked again from the inside, shouting: You're not done with me yet, you can't possibly dispose me this early.
"Early? Keep your lid on, I think it's enough." And so, the memories in the jar looked at me, and realized: Maybe she's over me. I exist, but not to be dealt with anymore. She knows I'm here, but she knows I cannot do anything to her anymore, unless, of course, she loses it again and uncovered me. Okay, then.
Friday 17 April 2015
E---
Emotions are as rare as the sunsets and sunrises. It is never out of sight nor is it ever out of scenarios. What I've been contemplating recently, though, is as ubiquitous as it is, is it that bad to have them?
I've been battling with all kinds of emotions these days, and I don't know how I can juggle more (or how I can juggle all these I already have in me). There has been a series of joys, melancholy, confusion, etc. And under these categories, are there even more sub-emotions. Emotions are just about everything, everywhere.
We've been talking a lot about emotional maturity these days, and there's been a lot of opinions about it: that emotional maturity is being invulnerable to emotions, that it is about not being affected by anything, or that it is about having no or little inconvenient emotions... bla bla... but are these things possible?
Maybe as an answer to my prayer to be more emotionally matured, different emotion-invoking situations just flooded me. And it is inevitable not to feel anything towards everything--to just be vulnerable, affected, and have not just little inconvenient emotional responses. I wanted to conceal how I feel, to not break down in front of anyone and to maintain my "emotional bravado". In reality, I am so fed up with emotions, I need to let it out. But there's something in me that's scared to be called emotionally immature.
And then, I got done with these thoughts: I shed the tears I've been blinking in, I screamed the anger I've been locking in, I ranted it out... I faced my emotions. I asked God, "Am I doing it wrong?" And then, I've realized that emotional maturity is not being invulnerable to the emotions, because emotions are always there!
Emotional maturity, I realized, is not being able to feel nothing towards what's happening. It is being able to feel emotions, and dealing with them the "proper" way. The proper way? Emotions are moment by moment states of the mind and heart. They don't claim permanency in anyone's lives, they quickly come and go. They quickly change. Being able to handle one's emotions that it can't affect the way we deal with people, the way we deal with our work, and the way we deal with ourselves--that, I think, is emotional maturity.
To feel hate, without hurting someone. To feel depressed, without hurting oneself. To feel stressed, without flipping everything over. To get broken, without having to leave everything else into pieces. To feel melancholy, without having to snap at everyone. These are possible. This is emotional handling. It's okay to cry. It's okay to get angry. It's okay to really feel bad. I don't think that we're ever limited to not have these emotions. But it is how we deal with them that matters.
This is just a pinch of a journey yet, and I know, surely, there are more yet to happen and to conspire. I'm sort of afraid that I might not be able to handle or juggle anything any longer. But being afraid? It's not gonna bring me anywhere if I let this emotion handle me. I must deal with it. I mustn't let it conquer. And so afraid as I am, I will continue on to this battle, with a soft and strong heart.
I've been battling with all kinds of emotions these days, and I don't know how I can juggle more (or how I can juggle all these I already have in me). There has been a series of joys, melancholy, confusion, etc. And under these categories, are there even more sub-emotions. Emotions are just about everything, everywhere.
We've been talking a lot about emotional maturity these days, and there's been a lot of opinions about it: that emotional maturity is being invulnerable to emotions, that it is about not being affected by anything, or that it is about having no or little inconvenient emotions... bla bla... but are these things possible?
Maybe as an answer to my prayer to be more emotionally matured, different emotion-invoking situations just flooded me. And it is inevitable not to feel anything towards everything--to just be vulnerable, affected, and have not just little inconvenient emotional responses. I wanted to conceal how I feel, to not break down in front of anyone and to maintain my "emotional bravado". In reality, I am so fed up with emotions, I need to let it out. But there's something in me that's scared to be called emotionally immature.
And then, I got done with these thoughts: I shed the tears I've been blinking in, I screamed the anger I've been locking in, I ranted it out... I faced my emotions. I asked God, "Am I doing it wrong?" And then, I've realized that emotional maturity is not being invulnerable to the emotions, because emotions are always there!
Emotional maturity, I realized, is not being able to feel nothing towards what's happening. It is being able to feel emotions, and dealing with them the "proper" way. The proper way? Emotions are moment by moment states of the mind and heart. They don't claim permanency in anyone's lives, they quickly come and go. They quickly change. Being able to handle one's emotions that it can't affect the way we deal with people, the way we deal with our work, and the way we deal with ourselves--that, I think, is emotional maturity.
To feel hate, without hurting someone. To feel depressed, without hurting oneself. To feel stressed, without flipping everything over. To get broken, without having to leave everything else into pieces. To feel melancholy, without having to snap at everyone. These are possible. This is emotional handling. It's okay to cry. It's okay to get angry. It's okay to really feel bad. I don't think that we're ever limited to not have these emotions. But it is how we deal with them that matters.
This is just a pinch of a journey yet, and I know, surely, there are more yet to happen and to conspire. I'm sort of afraid that I might not be able to handle or juggle anything any longer. But being afraid? It's not gonna bring me anywhere if I let this emotion handle me. I must deal with it. I mustn't let it conquer. And so afraid as I am, I will continue on to this battle, with a soft and strong heart.
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