It's a Sunday. Early in the day today, I found myself translating other people's reflections to my own, and I remembered much about writing and expressing, later on finding myself moving along my keys writing these words. I thought of getting my morning chores done before proceeding to talking about what's been going on with me, but I thought better of it. Lately, it's been quite rare to find the words and I realized that I should succumb to their calling whenever they want to be squeezed out.
It has been too much contemplation and reflection on life's ongoings and the lack of it. I have been residing in a sanctuary, waiting to be refueled to get back to life and proper living. 2018 has been my greatest landslide yet, containing some of the biggest decisions in my life, a sickness that did its best to drain me of all my beauty (except that hope was kind of too stubborn it left some remnants in here), and realizations on humans and relations that kind of changed the way my life goes.
To be honest, I'm quite panicky writing this after what feels like endless yesterdays of darkness and dullness, that I'm not even sure if I'm familiar with the dynamics pre-existent on this realm, but here we go.
These are the inscriptions some of the shards of my heart have.
I have been losing my appetite for books. I have been trying to recollect myself to focus on one thing and yet, while my eyes do their best to keep rooted on the pages, my brain wills itself to wander around. It has been a torment to my being to change courses in life on a matter as deep as this, but I'm still not giving up on this one. Not as long as I can identify words and be identified with them.
Anxiety and depression are the daily battles I win over! Drastic is not enough of a word to describe the turns of events that occurred within and around my being ever since A&D chose to surface. There were moments when I felt alienated to my own skin and when I found myself treading upon roads of thorns and thistles... and yet, I am still here, trying not to make this thing the main thing about me.
I am dreaming... again. Finding myself rerouting or seeing new perspectives and it has been quite refreshing-- an oasis to my season. I am so thankful that the sun chooses to shine even when storms and winds come and go as casually as a neighbor bringing some tidings. There are so many things yet to happen and though there had been testimonies of people who gave in to their fears and that these surface my own fears, I try to block that noise out and focus on the beauty within.
Self-discovery is my current game. It gets surprising how effortless this has been, the way I'd go to my heart and perceive how it runs and processes information over, how it just chooses to let go or repress a feeling so strong yet so strange, or the way I look at myself when I let words go in rage or by impulse. I may have profiled too many people in the past and yet, the most confusing soul to comprehend is that one within my skin.
God has loved me with an everlasting love. It's not even a question of whether I'd survive apart from this knowledge. I am completely amazed at how I have been saved from those moments when giving up was a plan and when puzzles chose to be incomplete.
How do I find reasons to still be and to still do? It's impossible to even answer this at all. I would have wanted to be intelligent about it, but I remember those days I spent rolling on the bed, wishing that I'd be home to my heavenly dwelling, and thinking that the only success criterion of my days would be when I could take a bath and change my clothes... when my thoughts lacked reason and my heart lost chances. But this is one thing I'd say, I found my feet still walking even after it has raced on miles of wounds. I am alive and each day requires me to just report and go through the day in whatever form I could present myself with, may it be with my unkempt form or my calculated appearance. And each day that goes by, I find myself in a metamorphic process of becoming, in that, the way I drained of hope yesterday isn't the way I look at things today. There are reasons to thrive and be. Each pain that scratches me off my past reveals to me a new purpose at existence, and for now, I let these little reasons be big enough for me.
