September Woke Me Up

The past month has not been exactly jelly and cakes. There have been a lot of things going on, and I feel like I am losing track of myself.

A lot of things about me had been revealed to me. And I don't know how to absorb and reflect on these things when other things are happening with all these realizations. It has just been crazy. And I have to admit that, personally, I am sliding through it. I am back to my wandering tendencies. Ugh that's a disease that I can't get off me. Really.

Some stuff about my life... recently.

1.When I'm at the beginning of whatever I am doing, I can be so hyped, I can even die of busyness. And when I got the hang of it, I just... well, I slowly decline in whatever I am doing.

2. Then, there have been these heart dealings that I have to face. Unresolved issues from deep within that keep on resurfacing at the occurrences of triggers. And just when I thought that I am completely over these worthless and useless feelings, they'll just keep rushing back to me again--making me feel like a complete idiot. I don't like feeling helpless when it comes to controlling my heart from its outbursts, but it turns out that I do feel that way and it hurts my pride to be so immobile from all my um, well, feelings.

3. For once in my life, I seriously want to grow up...

I want to allow something greater than me to allow me to experience that supernatural transformation I can't get from myself. Because try as I may, I cannot.

"You have to start growing as a woman..." someone told me. And yea, precisely, well-said, just the right words. But how? It's something that I have to journey upon.

Being transformed doesn't happen in a click, I know. But I just realized that I am very childish and immature in a lot of ways. Mostly, with how I deal with my life. I just want to take my life seriously from this day onward. 

I am now growing older, and I should grow up! I should make an effort to subject myself under things which I am not comfortable being acquainted with. I should make use of my time wisely. I should make use of my resources wisely. I should make use of my life wisely.

Really.

4. IT IS NOT EASY. I can take challenges very seriously, you know. I can survive through them. I am not afraid of doing things which are difficult (according to human stereotypes). But in my desire to live a life of extremes and adrenaline rushes, I overlooked the basics that I should first deal with. I overlooked going through the easy parts first, that now, it is a challenge for me to go through them. And it's like I'm being pulled back to face them! And IT IS NOT EASY. I find them utterly boring, they kill me to my veins. But I have to face THEM.

5. I have to start loving myself in a deeper and more meaningful way.

I thought that being involved and committed in other people's lives is a way of living it. Giving my time for their consumption, allowing people to just overlook how I feel, allowing people to think that I can take in whatever--that I have a steel heart, just really overlooking myself in a desire to attend to other people's lives.

In my journey with life lately, I have been realizing how much in need of love I am. I forgot that I, too, have a space in my heart which is in need of affirmation and understanding. I've always been used to believing that people can do anything to me and it won't ever affect me, or people can just ignore me and it's completely okay, but lately, I have been realizing how I seek accountability, how much in need of "How are you?s" I am.

It's crazy because I feel like I am bothering people seeking those things, and I want to play smart and all grownup in this matter, but this is something I have to learn yet.

Basically, the past weeks reminded me some of the things that I should know but keep on skipping and forgetting.

I have to start considering the smallest things I do.
 I have to start getting in touch with my heart. 
I have to start being committed to my growth. 
I have to learn how to love myself and how to healthily accept love from others. 
I have to take life slowly, to ponder upon mysteries and discoveries. 
I have to live a life worship even through my weaknesses.

September 22nd blabber

I honestly don't know what to write, but I wanna write. I kind of even need to. Well, I badly need to. I need to "declutter" my head, spill from it thoughts, and well, organize these thoughts. It's not that I don't like thinking, it's just I've got too much in my head now. And they should be filed properly.

It's nice having to have thoughts. It really feels nice. It makes me feel ecstatic to have all these things roaming and flying in my head. (Honestly, I feel alive with all these presence within me). Another thing about me is that I feel at a high state of being, at a more responsible, at a more useful, worthy, et cetera mode when I have all these things I need to accomplish! Yea, for real. 

I feel like I am someone for something.

It feels bad having to do nothing. To think of nothing. To be dull and rusty. Right? It feels like whatever organs and heartbeats and oxygen that have been invested in you all go for nothing, nowhere. And so, it feels alive knowing that whatever you have in you contribute to higher and more important purposes, things which are beyond yourself alone.

It's true that life isn't a very easy adventure. But the fact that it is an adventure itself is well, wow, a really very great thing, isn't it?! To realize that you're in something as chaotic, dramatic, multi-everything existence, it feels great. And I wonder how it could be something so beautiful-- but it feels good to be alive. To breathe. To love. To grow. To be vulnerable to death. To be capable to live. 

Hooray to randomness.