Are you there

So much emotions surge in my heart right now. Tears have been lingering relentlessly on the surface of my eyes. And every little thing that I do reminds me of what's happening.

I can barely study. I can't remember what's in the long list of my pending tasks. Stuff are cluttered around me. I am feeling downhearted. I have these thoughts of fleeing. I want to retract from this world altogether.

Probably I'm hungry but I'm not sure. I think that there's something going crazy in my hypothalamus because I can't clearly interpret the signals from my physical body. I can't do anything. I don't wanna do anything. I've just been staring at my laptop. The things that I find lovely can't catch my attention. My heart is caught on strings, and I end up wondering and talking to myself, meditating and asking God.

What's happening? Where is God right now? My heart wonders. My heart calls Him. My heart cries out to Him!

Where are you? Are you even there?




Are you there, God?

And through my breaking heart, and through my wondering, I hear His voice.

And He answers and whispers so very gently to my heart.

"Stay put, anak. 'Wag ka masyadong mag-alala. I am here. I am with you. I've called you out to the great unknown, where feet may fail. Fear may surround you. But just trust in me. Magtiwala ka sa'kin. Ibigay mo na lahat ng 'to sa'kin."

"Have fear in me, and you will be fearless to all else. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before you, I am at work."

Through my tears and grief, I know He is there. He said He will take over. He said that it's not for me nor for us to go through alone.

People may think that it's stupid to continue on this walk that's been causing us distress and discouragements. People may think that it's crazy to think of continuing to shout praises to God everywhere, wherever we are. But this is what I was and we were created for. What's causing me pain is my doubting heart. What's causing my doubts is my fear of the unknown. But there's no unknown right now. The ending will always be God's victory. Whatever happens next lies in His hands, not on anybody's.

We are merely humans, and so we are inclined to emotions. It is inevitable for us to feel down and broken. It is inevitable for us to be afraid and to fear what's to come. But above all these, we are assured and comforted by the knowledge that He will take over through all these things.

We are humans and somewhere in our hearts, we're looking up to a supreme being who can rescue us, because we know that we're incapable. But my trust in God is not a result of my humanness. My trust in Him is a result of His greatness. I look up to Him not just because there's this human need for a supreme being in me, but because He is there and He is worthy of my trust.

As always, it is God's turn to do something great and miraculous. And I am waiting for that. All I know is that He is there. He is here. And nothing else matters.

Ninth of Ninth

An alarm unconsciously dismissed
Soft exchanges of goodbyes and good mornings
Lovely conversation to the lovely One
And a crazy talk to the mind, to the self
A rush to finish the tasks of the day that passed
Breakfast prepared during high noon, sun's up

A little conversation before the day's heat
A jog downwards to the place where to be
Huge droplets from the broken clouds
Leaves racing to the end of the road
Music playing to keep the time running on
A ride and a read to the place where to be

Few people who were passing by
Few people for hugs and hi's
An hour and more laughing while waiting
Some words of lessons and some of warnings
An hour less of planning while waiting
The other half of the day is just startin'

With the feet and everything else soaked
An afternoon of studying and talking
Girls chattering about what they chatter about
Iced chocolate and drinks to add to the coldness
Through words of wisdom and nonwisdom

A dizzy head and a panting heart
Rushing again to finish the day's job
The stars are peering with no shine
A plane passed by through the purple skies
Ideas squeezed from the learners of life
Prayers were uttered in the silence of lips
I beg for rest and that's how it all ends

Writing a true story

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Right now...

I'm writing a story. It's categorized under fiction. It happened in real life. I write it as squarely as it happened. But still, it's fiction. It's not even a fiction based on true story. It is a true story that is considered as fiction. I've said the word "fiction" four times already. And that just made it five.

Imaginary. That's almost all of it. It was as if a walk in a dream. It seemed all true. It felt so true. Because it was felt in the veins. Because it was felt in the heart. Because the stars brightly shone even amidst the breaking skies.

I'm writing about red lights. I'm writing about a person who pedaled through these lights. I'm writing how it has been a dangerous ride.

I'm writing from a point of view.

And I'm writing from someone else's point of view.

I'm trying to write from two very different people's points of view.

I'm writing fiction. It's about struggling. It's about discoveries. It's about people. It's about growing up. It's about perception. It's about the heart. Of all the things it is, it isn't about love.

It's as simple. It has no other setting but words and thoughts.

It's fiction.

But it happened.

A Note to the Restless

Dear Me, 

You are feeling excited for the things yet to come. I know that there's some kind of a craving deep within your soul. You want to see more of the world. You want to see more of the oceans. You want to drown and come out alive. 

You want to read more thoughts--thoughts from all these interesting people. You want to read all these ideas from the dead. You want to see the world that once was. You want to unravel the mysteries that will never unfold. 

You want to keep your feet busy. You want to hit the road. You want to hit the skies. You want to witness a series of sunsets and sunrises in front of your very eyes. You want to watch the world while you're moving. 

You want a lot of things. You want to smell the mixture of the sun and the rain. You want to feel midnight and high noon. You want to feel the sand melt with saltwater right under your body. 

Your dreams melt your pain. You forget the pain that has been lingering around your heart. You start to forget the uncertainties that wrapped your thoughts. You now want to break free. You are in awe of reaching the distant. 

And you just can't wait. You just can't breathe. You want it now. But you want it for later. You want to go now. But you are waiting for the right timing.

I tell you, despite all your longings and cravings, be still. 

Be still, my dear. Be still.

The pace is perfect. 

The road has been prepared. 

Be still while you're restless. 

Love, You.