Voices

I've learned to modify and discern voices

If you listen closely,

You would know there's a lot to them

There are those which try to be calm

And those which have been trained to calm

Listen to those which rage with emotions

And those who take pride in its sanguine joviality

Have you been attracted

To those who flatter and intimidate with its confidence?

And those who arouse with its mysteriousness?

But there are those who show

Nothing beyond what's visible to the naked eye

Let through that which pierces

Oh, wouldn't you want 

A voice of kindness which says, "I understand"?

There are those which say too much

And those who could have said more

Voices of exhaustion and of innocence

Sometimes, well, more often than not, meet aboard

Why I Don't Like Coffee and Other Things Related

Sipping from my Roasted Rice Tea, I think of how I've never been a fan of coffee and how, for unknown reasons, my soul has found consolation from almost all types of tea (except mint, oh no, not mint). I've been here for almost an hour now, here in this coffee shop near my place. I think of how fun it would have been to have that daily routine of grabbing coffee in the neighborhood's dear coffee shop in the wee hours of the morning. Yeah, something Lorelai and Rory are likely to do. And again, I am reminded of how I just don't like coffee, but it also sends me this crazy feeling in my tummy whenever I take any form of it (jelly, candy, drink, etc). But it's not like I've never craved for it all my life.

Growing up, we have been trained to think that coffee is just for adults because it dulls the delicate brain of a kid, my mom would say. I remember now how I used to envy my cousins whose breakfast won't go without a cup of instant coffee, sometimes, having it as the sole element in their meal. Come to think of it, I now remember some cousins who would have real rice turned into coffee, by adding hot water to the toasted part of the rice or what we call tutong. And that'd be the most they'd have for breakfast. I used to envy them because they drink something I was denied of. Coffee never made it to the cut of our usual breakfast composed of rice, meat/fish and hot milk. Never coffee for the kids in our household.

About a decade later, when I was taking my degree, I tried to be more open with the food and drinks I take. During exams seasons, different types of coffee would be out there. It's the usual, the savior. The companion to the sleepless nights of reviewing and doing requirements. When I was in my first few semesters, I tried imitating what my schoolmates, or should I say "university colleagues", would do. I  did drink coffee a few times and it just didn't seem to work for me: I would still sleep when I want to. But there was this time when I indulged to a recommendation by a colleague, which involved getting really caffeinated. It was when I was gonna review for a Chemistry exam (a subject I barely got into good terms with, that, I'm pretty sure until now, I only passed out of my professor's grace and kindness seeing I've taken removal exams for too many times already), which I was gonna have the next day itself. I wasn't the type who would review early on, and since I don't enjoy Chemistry, I don't get down to studying it until the last few hours prior the exam. Well, here was the recommendation: 2 bottles of 8-ounce Coke each and a cup of instant Original Nescafe. The thing is, I have to drink them all at once and it would keep me up for the rest of the night. For those who know how the brain works, imagine how that kind of mix would shoot up the neurons. And did I drink it? I did. And did I stay up until it was very late? Well, surely, I did. But did I have a great time studying and keeping alert throughout all that time I was up? Well, here's what happened. Half an hour or so after taking the booster, my mind was already getting frozen. I was slowly getting inattentive and I started hating how my brain became hazy. I just wasn't able to focus on my exercises so I had to stop reviewing and headed on to sleep. Which I wasn't able to do as well. All I did was stare out into spaces and stuff around me. I felt like a robot as I lied still in my bed until the night has birthed into day, The next day, my eyes were dry and I knew I was gonna flunk my exam. I dreaded that so much. It's not that I wasn't able to review and that I was gonna fail, which I think, would happen in any other way. But it's that I wasn't able to get my sleep. So, that's the end of coffee and me. It's been 6 years since.

Ever since that long and tragic night, I've learned to order non-coffee drinks in coffee shops. My tongue has become very sensitive of the taste of it, that I know the subtle pierce it has when I accidentally take anything that has coffee in it (except for my tiramisu). I've always resorted to getting myself chocolate drinks, but since I've been gaining some weight on, I had to shift my orders into something less fatty as chocolate frappes. Which, somewhere along that period, led me to my very much loved drink: tea. There's just something so subtle yet confronting about this drink that I couldn't give name to.

Oh well, I gotta sip the rest of my tea and head back home. It's been a Friday. It's been a week. And a gloomy one for that. Just a few more minutes and would take this thinking back home.

080518

Morning dismissed
Catering to unknown
Yet existent
Frozen chest
Accommodating secrets
Nobody understands
Caught the suffering
Of being the "other"
Trying to believe
When all seem to falter
Ahead and forward
Usual movement
Unsure and uncertain
Common state
Wondering despite
Hoping against
Questions on sunrise
Still unattended

Donuts and Marvel

Currently: Drinking Mango Kreme Chiller and Munching on Krispy Kreme donuts
Watching: Marvel movies
Weather: Extremely rainy
Just quickly typing some thoughts in...

Wow, it's been a while since I last wrote a narrative here, since I last ate donuts, and since I've chilled life out in this manner!! I am super thrilled.

Since last night I've been going on an MCU marathon, starting with Doctor Strange, followed by Thor: Ragnarok, then The Avengers (2012), and about to watch Captain America: Civil War. This has been triggered by my recent viewing of Ant-man and The Wasp, and I just felt like I missed all these superheroes that I wanted to see them all over again. And here I am growing in how I view and love them as I watch the movies they're in again. I found myself crying on the last part of The Avengers even if I've seen the movie many times before. What was going on in my heart is really deeply sentimental, something that tackles our/my need for superheroes and all that stuff.

While watching, I realized that I'm craving for donuts so I quickly changed clothes and grabbed donuts and chiller from Krispy Kreme (which is just in the next street). Oh, the feeling of walking in the rain with a paper bag of donuts and a plastic glass of chiller on the hands? It's been too long since life has been this incredibly kind.

I am very much free in thinking the past two days, and I realized that I have been so hard on myself for the past months that I missed out on chilling and spending time alone with myself. Hearing myself squealing, cheering on, commenting on the movies all on my own makes me realize that maybe there's this huge space in my heart to be secluded and be freed from everything every once in a while. It's just some kind of a rest for the heart and mind. It's not just the activity, but the choice to live out the past hours in this way that makes the whole thing relaxing.

I feel something which I haven't gone through in the recent past. Freedom and independence? Experience and meditation on art? Identification with and entering the worlds of fictional characters? Probably none of these, some of these or all of it, but what I wanna say is that this meaningful time with the self is essential and necessary.

Back to my movies and food now!

Alright, books (from my perspective)

At the moment, I am currently reading a fantasy-themed book which has been known among readers as a tale about books, magic, and characters drawn right out from pages. While reading, I felt homesickness grow within me, I have started thinking of Middle-earth.

The tale I'm currently on is actually a nice one. Creative-wise, it is very much interesting and unique yet familiar in its form, but then, I felt something lacking. There's a spice missing. I continued on reading (and easily did I, because the words are easy and action is on point) and things started getting sorted out, that's where I started comparing. Thoughts like, "Had Tolkien written this, at this point the vulnerability of man has already been emphasized" or "In Middle-earth, this kind of angst would have created not just a world of trees and magic, but also a world of love and hatred." started popping up in my head. 

I am very much sorry if this sounds so much like I am being unfair to our beloved authors. I have this certain conviction of not comparing anyone against anyone, as I genuinely believe that each is to his/her own. The point here is the discovery of another important ingredient needed for a craft to mark the heart.

Most times, we have this tendency to constrain art within the want to create, which is totally fine. The onset of a creation begins with a thought to have it created, whatever the motive for its existence may have been. I've heard of people who create because there's an extensive need for them to materialize these bits and pieces trapped in their heads, to give a tangible picture for the abstract that's been occupying their thoughts. 

On the other hand, there are those who craft something out of their need to speak, to communicate, to allow a message to come to life; and surely, there's this gap in this kind of pieces as compared to the formerly stated when it comes to their power's measure. 

Being a good writer involves a special form of intelligence--to put into words nature and architecture, to give birth to humans with established personalities, to make things happen. But being a remarkable writer involves a special form of understanding and vulnerability. Humans exist within complexities of emotions and not just being entangled to life's events. We all are summaries of our victories and failures, of our convictions and perceptions. When a written being starts getting portrayed with a lack of acknowledgment on the inside struggle to believe when things get so dark, to love through distance, to reconcile and forgive, and all these very human attributes, the absence of the familiarity that we want to experience in the book on hand is felt. 

I speak from the perspective of someone who has been reading since I can remember, and could only testify about what I personally prefer, and could say I don't know much except how I usually feel and go through with the books that I ride hop into. Truly, there had been books that changed my life. And there were those that enlightened and inspired me to be more of who I am. Some pages fill in distinct voids in my life, and this is why I hope that crafts would be more about the struggle within. 

On Reality and Stuff

Oh, hello. This is another post (a kind which I have not done for quite some time now) wherein I promise to blabber with the random streaks of thoughts in my head, so expect it to be disorganized. 

As earlier noted, it's been quite some time since I have written something straightforward/essay-ish on this space. There had been a lot of things occupying my mind, life, and heart and I just felt a little protective about myself when it comes to being too vulnerable online, so I have been speaking in riddles or in poetry. But apparently today is a different one because I'm choosing to kind of let some words spill out, not in any hopes that a multitude would pass by this narrow street of thoughts (aka my blog), but in hopes that whoever might would kind of get inspired (???) *laughs because I'm quite unsure about what my greatest purpose for this is* 

Okay then. 

Hi again. 

If I would describe life at the moment I would say that it is a vast sheet of mysteries (aka uncertainties/guesses/risks/wonders). There was once a point in my existence that I thought things would get stagnant because they seemed so bright and fun and wild and free, and it felt as if nothing would go downhill and my greatest fear at that time was that I would cease learning because everything seemed great. Years after that, I feel like I would give everything to be back there. Serious and just kidding at the same time. 

Recently, things that some other young adults go through became real with me. I struggled through anxiety, recurring sadness, and much confusion about the people and world around. I tried to reevaluate personal values, backgrounds, and cultures. Decision-making, taking responsibility, speaking up, getting rebuked, learning-- all these and more took some major part in the past months of my life. But the one good thing about all these is that going through stuff like this, I became more founded in what I believe in and my knowledge about people and myself. It kind of sorts out tangles on my assessment and assumptions of the dynamics of the society and, here in front of me now is a clearer picture of the scary world called Reality. 

I'm 23 and I feel like I'm looking at a crossroads that's definitive of a huge amount of the future that follows after my next choice of step. Whatever I'll choose would mean much about this crazy adventure, and although I'm not afraid of it, it would bring discomfort not to be in the right place. As I'm gauging how to take on things from this point onward, I look at myself and try to work some self-discovery out and try to identify my values, personal visions, uniqueness, places of productivity, and other inner stuff that I can translate into outward acts-- although on these things, I'm still half-lost right now. 

The greatest thing about my latest journey probably is the extent of self-discovery that leads me to deeper worship to my Creator. I have learned that everything beyond my ideals is so complex that things can get frustrating when I come to see its reality that it becomes a wonder that favor and restoration can be found in the corners of this complex (to the point of damaging) ground. The lovely Author of everything has just shown me the depths of His unfailing love for me and so I have to learn to channel that out to those around me and especially to myself, that's why the most glorious weapons I can use at this point are understanding and forgiveness. 

At the end of all these, I just want to keep on seeing the beauty in existence, to appreciate the atrocities that allow me to see transformations, to believe when things get dim because they stretch my heart to be stronger. Thoughts like 'without challenges, there would be no victories', 'there would be no light if there's no dark', 'beauty would cease to exist in the absence of unpleasantness' became real to me. I realized that I can start seeing and giving a greater amount of love, hope and beauty because I have struggled with and seen brokenness and grief. 

Among the things I've resolved to do then is to be more free to express on paper (or on computer) and to explore the world up to its limits and to extend my hand and heart to love, affirm and forgive endlessly. It's not so bad then after all, even if I have no chance to go back to that all-sunny life I once had, because I realized that, through the broken and shattered walls of my being, Light could shine through.

(I'm ending this post with a lot of gaps in it. I feel like there's something more I want to add to it, or as the person who drafted this, I feel like I need to squeeze out more thoughts within me in this one, but this is it for now.)

Kung Maaari Lamang

Heto, doon, teka at huwag muna
Ano nga bang sabi ko sa'yo
Oo, ngunit
Akala ko pa naman
Hindi ba dapat ay

Mga tinig
Na minsang humarana
Kay neneng walang ibang nais
Kundi ang katahimikan
Sa sulok ng kanyang
Gawa-gawang kuwadra
Na unti-unting pinalabas
At ang mga palaisipang kinimkim
Sa kanya'y pinabigkas
Palakpak at mga tugon ng tawa
"Heto at sya'y kakaiba
Tila ang dami nyang kaya"
Unti-unting naubos ang kamuwangan
Nang dalhin sa mundo
Ng mga pangarap at pagbagsak
Sumulong at sumubok
Ang pagtingin sa sarili'y
Unti-unting naging mataas
Pagsasalita'y naging matatas
Nalimot ang kahapong
Nasa likod ng mga pader
At ang buhay ay naging usap-usapan
Ang pagtingin sa iba
Ay napuno ng pangmamaliit
Kung paanong ang iba ay tumingin
Sya na ring kanyang naging paghusga

Hanggang sa sya na
Ang hindi kaaya-aya
Nakagawa ng mga bagay na sa iba'y di katanggap-tanggap
Naibagsak ang mga pagtangi
At napuno ng poot sa sarili
Ang dating nene ay nagtanong
"Sino na nga ba ako
Bakit ganito na ang daigdig"
Puso'y napuno ng lungkot
Nawala ang kumpiyansa
Na ibinigay ng syang mga taong
Sa kanya'y bumasag

Bumalik, nene, ikaw ay bumalik na
Tawag ng kanyang kuwadra
Tara dito at magtsaa
Habang nakamudmod ang mukha
Sa iyong mga aklat
Tara dito at alalahanin
Ang maliliit na bagay na iyong itinangi
Tara dito at bigyang oras
Ang mga pusong sayo'y may kilala
Kung maaari lang ay huwag nang muling lumabas
At itago na lamang muli ang palaisipan

Ngunit ang buhay ay patuloy
Nene, ikaw ay isa nang dalaga
Ang iyong mga kabasagan ay hindi na mababago
Kahit na hilinging kung maaari lamang
Malayo na ang mundong naibukas
'Wag ka nang bumalik sa iyong kuwadra
Ngunit itiklop na ang tainga
Sa mga tinig na syang nanghalina

Ikaw ay tunay na mahalaga
Ngunit hindi dahil sabi nila
May katangian at pagkatao
Na ang pinanggagalingan
Ay ang Syang naglikha
Magpatuloy, ngunit maari  mong dalhin
Ang mga sa kuwadra'y nakabinbin
Upang iyong hindi malimot
Ang nasa kaibuturan ng pagkatao
Ikaw ay maaari pang magpatuloy
Ikaw ay mahalaga
Ikuwintas ang pag-asa

At tara, heto
Kahit anong inakala
At sabi-sabi
Eto ka, nene, papunta doon
At patuloy

New year and other stuff new

via

010817

NP: Cheats music

It's been a while for some words.

It's been around, this so-called love.

It's been a ride with this existence, and yet there is more.

It's been a cry, oh you, Learning.

Currently:

= trusting the Author for greater things,

in the field where He has placed me,

knowing that expansion and growth

have been designed by Him alone

= taking on steps to a new kind of entanglement

that could be completely out

of what has been used to and exposed to

but believing for wonders and beauties in it

= trying to experience forgiveness

to self, to others, to circumstances

despite the difficulty

and the perceived impossibility of it

2018:

= more words written

to ink love and stories

to nurture the pen

to create without constraints

= more words read

to know and to hear

through stories seen

through other's minds

= more time with humans

to converse and exchange

to trust and to laugh

to live with a subject of the heart

= more time with self

to reflect and to be reminded

to nourish the soul

through thoughts hanging in the air

= more of the Creator

to defy self

to take greater steps

to live without limits