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I am interesting. I know that. I don't even have to pretend to be that person because I have been born that way. I don't pride myself with that adjective because I am worth-knowing, but because I tend to be deviated from the norm--and it's not even in an I-don't-wanna-conform way. I am interesting because my brain's probably tangled in a different kind of technique. I talk a lot, and I keep things a lot. I want people, and people scare me. I love poetry, and I don't appreciate other people's dramas. I am always happy, while I'm usually bored... I'm always in the middle, really. And everybody has to agree with me, that being in the middle is not a very good thing.
I am spontaneous. Adventurous, you may say. Not because I don't care about what can and will happen to me (because I care a lot about these things), but because I want to see more of the world, I want to be more enchanted by the beauty of this world and this life's experiences. But my actions that show me to be carefree can get me killed. Is it good to just jump into experiences, and just die at the brink of it?
I am an escapist. I can hardly deal with things that I don't want. I live in the belief that I should live my life to the fullest. And is it good that way? To just keep on running from things that I don't wanna deal with. It's true that I choose my battles, but is it good to quit battles I've already started fighting in?
People may say that I am very much satisfied with myself, and I say that the least person I ever want in this world is me. I am crazy, not interesting. I am impulsive, not spontaneous. I am a coward, not just an escapist. How can someone reach their full contentment in who they are? I am flooded with insecurities. Being hurt by the people I've trusted and loved makes me feel like my love can never be reciprocated. It's effect on me is not the thinking that I can't love again, but the thinking that I can love but it's really okay if they can't loved me back because I know it's quite difficult to appreciate someone like me.
The thing with me is that I really don't like myself most of the times. Why? Many reasons. Sometimes it's because of the way I look, most of the times it's me and my big mouth, then it'll be because of the way I think and react, plus my impulsiveness, and then this thin skin for when emotions attack. I mean, sometimes... oftentimes, I get tired of myself.
I look like someone who's unafraid and who's always ready to conquer. I'm restless, but maybe because there's something within me that I don't want to prevail. I try to realize what is in life for me. And I travel the world looking for a purpose. And that's it?
No. My insecurities are just a part of me. They happen but they're not me. They exist, because somewhere within anyone's core, insecurities live. Having them is not a disease, because we are all in fear one way or another. It is how we deal with them that matters.
Just a story. One of the things about me is that when I am in front of a guy I like, I pose the ugliest me: I eat a lot, and I swallow the too-spoonfuls of food, I laugh loudly, I speak my mind out (even if it turns out to be really sarcastic), etc. It is not because I am shielding myself from being loved or appreciated. It is because I am afraid to get hurt--by making a guy fall for the wrong me, and then being left because I was a mistake after all. This is what my insecurities do to me, they make me honest. They make me brave. Because realizing them and not being afraid of what they can do to me and not being afraid to show them, well... they help me find the real me.
People say that the first person who can accept us is us. I've been working on that from day one, but finding out that people can actually love me even if I show them my ugliest, it helps me realize my real identity. I am someone loved. I am someone special. I am worthy. It is because Someone really loved me that much, and I am worth too much for anything to even doubt my own importance. It makes me realize what love is really about, but that's another story (maybe for another post). They say that we should never find our self-worth from others, but having other people love me despite the roughest sides of me exposed, makes me feel that there should never be space for self-hate. It somehow helps. Really.
We are expected of many things, but what other people don't know is that most of the times, during our battles, we are afraid. It's not because we're weak, but because this reality is universal. My life is a series of disappointments, guilt, and failures. I'm not cool enough not to regret anything in my life. Because I always end up scolding myself for my stupidity. I'm on the road to forgiving myself from what I lack though. I know that it's being honest to say that I am weak, but it's another thing to fully realize that I am worthy. I am deserving of appreciation. And I am free to live this life--dealing with a series of mistakes and regrets and falling and of rising and forgiving and loving.
