Repost: Not your dream girl

A friend of mine shared this post with me, and I just absolutely loved it! It was so honest and simple. I liked the thoughts on this post, obviously, that I'm reposting it. Haha. Waaah, she's soooo cooool. Anyway

It was written by Isa Garcia. And here's the original post: Not your dream girl

I am not your dream girl.

I am not the girl you built in your head when you were too busy falling in love with the idea of love. I am not the inverse of your ex-girlfriend, not the complete opposite of the last woman who took your heart and reduced it to ashes. If you’re hiding from pain then I can’t promise to not stir up old traumas or revive the ghosts you always thought no longer existed. Before any of us can even step outside the shores of safety and while the slate is still clean, I want to be straight with you. I am not going to make you happy all the time. 

Because the truth is: I’m probably not even going to like you all the time.

I am not going to save you or stitch you together or suddenly make you complete. Let me put all of this out there already. Believe it or not, I’m waving my honesty like a flag because I respect you. Because I’ve seen friends and brothers-from-another-mother become schmucks crushed by the hand of she wasn’t who I thought she was. Their hearts, bruised from the sudden deflation, have given me the resolve to abide by a different kind script, to come clean as early as now.

Because I think, at the very least, that you deserve to be saved from the illusion.

I am not your dream girl.

What I am is a real girl. Flesh and bones and tears and sweat; a palette of wonderful and ugly. I have a heart that is still learning to be absolutely worthy of someone’s trust. I am selfish and I am jealous and I don’t always tell the truth. I’ve got layers of insecurity wrapped beneath my smile. I doubt  myself enough times to carry question marks in my dreams.

I am a real girl who is not always pretty, who is hammering out the mess so that I might one day become a true kind of beautiful. I’m vulnerable, yes. But I’ve got more hope than I even have a right to possess. 

I am a real girl with words springing from the top of my head; a girl who believes in the credo of redemption that never stops telling me that I will always have worth. I am learning to speak up and say sorry. I am learning to be ridiculously generous with my kindness. I am stretching my heart, giving my dysfunction the permission to exist but also learning, every day, to be better.

I will disappoint you.
But I will also probably surprise you.

I am a real girl who has been hurt and will hurt and is always struggling to make something good out of the former. That, I think, is all you really need to know.

Seven Twenty-Eight

It's the last Monday of our "summer" vacation. We're counting days to the first semester of the new academic year.

Today is just as ordinary as it can get. Everything's well, quite normal. I went somewhere, it was just a short trip. Took few hours and I was back home already.

Anyway

On the way home, I passed by the place where I went to high school. I saw the high school students of this generation. It was nice looking at them. They were basking in the uncertainties of childhood and growing up. I could laugh at them, and tell them, "You think this is it? You think this is most of life already? Think again." Ha ha now that makes me sound like I haven't reached satisfaction and joy in this young life (which isn't the case at all). But, I would've loved it when someone told me that then (or not). There I was, thinking I've already grasped most of what's in it in life, only to find out years later, that I'd have to reset all that I believed in about people and all that I believed in about myself. Okay, not all, but most.

I can only imagine them trying to open different boxes, trying to look for who they are. I can just imagine them trying to search if there could be a someday further than their "today", a somewhere wider than their "here", and a someone far greater than who they are right now.

Then my thoughts about them stopped, the ride sped up and away. Maybe, I was just exaggerating my thoughts. What with this self-claimed poetic soul, trying to look into other people's thoughts ha ha ha, maybe I was just overthinking about them. They'll find the way through. Everyone does. Or I hope they will.

Other than that, the day went on. The way it usually does.

Just like any other afternoons.

Full of thoughts. Full of wondering. Full of uncertainties. Full of faith-stretching questions.

Beautiful Chaos

It's been raining relentlessly. 
That's the thing with the rain, once it starts, it feels like it's going to be forever. 
How comforting it is to witness those falling drops from those skies.

The beauty of the rain is confusing.
It is a beautiful chaos. 
It's painful.
It's lovely.
It's almost like love. 
It is a lot like love.

C'est la vie

You feel excited, exhilarated, something awesome is gonna happen! Everything is still categorized under "Uncertainty" but you believed in yourself it's gonna happen!

You start thinking what you could do when it happens. I mean, you just can't wait. You feel it in your veins. It's there, causing your blood to boil... it's gonna happen, this is gonna be it.

You just can't contain your joy, you know in your heart it should happen...

Seconds, minutes, hours ticked by...

You're waiting... expectantly. With gleeful anticipation. With your heart racing like it's going to fall out of beat.

Another set of seconds, minutes and hours ticked by...

You're still waiting... expectantly. With confused anticipation. With your heart racing faster than before.

Another set of seconds, minutes and hours ticked by...

You're waiting. Without any anticipation anymore. Your heart racing like it's never done before.

The last set of seconds, minutes and hours ticked by...

You're still there. Staring out into the empty space. All your hopes dried out.

It didn't happen.

You waited...

...for nothing.

You realize you've been wrong... you just got ahead of yourself and matters.

Your expectations are way too different from reality. Such are your shattered hopes.

You shoved it off and say, "That's life!". You said it until you believe you believed it.