What a year

2014.

Just like any other, I'd be giving my year a reflection and a review. It's inevitable to write this one, especially that this year might just be the most memorable one for me. No kidding.

What have you given me, dear 2014! You are such a door. If ever you are anything, you must be what I call everything. From a pseudo- and one-time theater career, to a glimpse to an office job, to spearheading really big projects, to "lawsuit" cases, to an almost-kind or whatever relationship, etc etc, you are quite kind to me. (That was a sarcastic and genuine remark)

You are such a darling. Looking back, I know that I haven't experienced anything this huge in my life before. And to think that all these things belonged in a year. I mean. Wonderful, ain't it. It's like I could ask "What would happen next year? Everything already happened in 2014." or something like that. But I know what exactly you are. You are such an appetizer for a grander trail of courses. I gotcha right, didn't I?

If I'm gonna do this by month, surely this will be long. But... oh well, let me just write my year summary.

The entrance of the year was great. Just like any other, I must say. My most memorable adventure from this month was our Clark Nature Park adventure where I slid along the longest zipline of my life (I don't actually know what verb is supposed to be used here) Okay. I won't just go on narrating stuff, I'll be inserting some reflections and dramatic stuff too. I like the zipline one because it was the first time I felt like flying! For real. At first (as always), I was so afraid I wanted to detach myself from the safety harnesses (?), but I went on and tried it, I knew I wouldn't miss it, I just always needed the dramatic clincher. Oh well, what a joy it was! I felt like flying. In the middle of my "flight", I spread my wings and closed my eyes, and well, for a few seconds, I had a glimpse of the life of the birds. It was truly wonderful that I can still feel the breeze battling against my widespread arms. Now I'm sure I'm gonna try one like it again.

For the month of love, well, this was a whirlwind kind of month for me. I really don't know how to describe this one because my memory says that I was very emotional this time of the year but I already forgot what it felt like. A lot of things happened this month (I say as I look back at my 2014 datebook), but what I can highlight from my February this year is the time I played a role in a mini-Valentine presentation in our college, presented by our arts and culture department. It was a mini-musical which tackled the concept of the traditional harana (serenade) in the country and it was my first time to do something like that! It was really amazing, because as small as the play/musical was, it was still in my bucket list to perform in that kind of setup and it was really fun!

March was good. Just like any other last-month-of-the-sem experiences, it was one great ride. Yep. As usual, I think. I guess what I like best from it though was when I attended the Passion Manila concert with my best friend. It was a worship night and it was my first time (too much first time's, eh?) to attend a huge worship gathering and it was so good to the heart, that I was able to see the fame of the great God. How wonderful was it!!

Talk about vacation? Yep, since UP went on some grand academic calendar shift, we had 4 months of vacation before the classes started. And all I can say is that April is one awesome month of adventures, dates, escapades and stuff. But, oh well, what's most memorable is when I started my internship at this month. And hmm. That was an experience.

May was a month of rest. Not much happened here.

June was kind of a jumpstarter for the following months. Movement-wise. My most memorable activity from this month was our week-long campus missions, where we looked for people who can pioneer campus movements in their schools, and it was fun. It was faith-stretching as we shared the Gospel in fastfoods, we sneaked into campuses to share to their students, and we waited for people to respond. What an adventure that was. And a great one it is.

If I would be asked what my most memorable month of the year is, no doubt and no thinking twice, I'd say it is the month of July. Words and music were lovely, especially if it is from you to me, I'd rewind and reread the days when it's you I was with.

August was a lot of things to me. First, it was truly encouraging and very very challenging to be entrusted to spearhead a project for the movement. It was a digital outreach to be attended by students, and for me, it was not just faith-stretching, but it also caused me to grow more in my faith and in my leadership. I cannot say that the event was good enough but I can say that it was successful with regards to the hearts of the people involved. It caused me to be stirred emotionally and yet I was able to see more of God's goodness and faithfulness.

Latter part of August: Did you hear that? Shattered and turned into pieces. Should July have never happened? I want you distant. I want you apart. I want back my heart.

Challenge you say? Alright, this (September) may be our face-the-giants month as our campus movement struggled with um an almost-lawsuit kind of case. I won't elaborate on what happened, but all I can say is that through this all, God's faithfulness prevails and truly His upper right hand lifts up His beloved children.

October is the month of my birthday and it was awesome as I've had three surprises! Thanks lots to my lovely friends. It felt wonderful to celebrate my 20th. Really. I mean, I saw how great God is and how wonderful the people around me are. But I must say that my October highlight was the fireworks festival in Clark! Was it awesome? Define awesome. All I remember was my friends and I were dancing like crazy under fireworks-lit skies and music was all around us and slices of pizza and kids dancing with us and it was great really. One of the happiest nights of my life! How wonderful is this world. Tell me more of its beauty because if I'm only twenty and I'm experiencing this much already and this is not yet half of it, hey, this is such a wonderful life.

November: My face is tear-stained, yours says all-memories-cleared

November was my busiest month ever. I've never been this organized and conscientious with my academics work but hey, how lovely art thou Novy, how plenty are the zits you gave me, oh these strands of white hair in my head how many, you are such a beauty. But still, I'm thankful because I loved the busyness and I loved the feeling of being preoccupied. Meant a lot to me.

December is just happening as I'm writing this. I don't know. I'm praying that the year ends well. I have great hopes on that. I mean this has been a great one! I've never been closer to God in my life than I am right now, and I've never written with so much blood in my poems. This year really meant a lot to me. Another thing I'd want to applaud this year for is that I've never felt so matured in my life than I am right now, and I felt like it's not just this false and idealistic feeling of being a grownup but it's really something different. I've never felt so in control and I've never felt wiser. I know I've got my heart really crazy and raging this year, but no matter what happened, it was all a fair and decent ride.

Cheers 2014! Thank you.

Excerpts

These are excerpts from a goodbye letter that will never be sent to whom it was addressed to...

"As all of it were my decisions, I have learned from this endless cycle of grief and anger that letting you go and letting all of these feelings go should also be my decision."

"Before I let you go, let me tell you some things."

"When I first met you, I've had no impressions on you. I really didn't notice you though I've had this chance of talking to you. The first word I ever told you was "sorry". Do you remember? It was even before I knew your name and before you knew mine."

"And you were the quiet and reserved one. You kept to yourself. How did I know?"

"I wasn't awkward because I liked you, I just had this habit of being awkward around you!"

"All my hatred on you suddenly were lifted. It was a from zero to hero drama. You were suddenly interesting."

"I'm suddenly losing myself. I don't know, I'm not sure if I can continue with this letter...."

"I was afraid of being around you because I might not have anything to talk with you about. But I was surprised that the time I had with you wasn't enough for me to talk with you about things. It was so easy talking to you. I don't even recall trying to make an effort. Stories, thoughts and ideas just flowed from me. Please. Don't think that any of these mean anything romantically. No. Well, not yet."

"I suddenly felt like I could talk to you about anything. And talking to you makes me smile. Maybe because you were also always smiling. But I realized that there's something weird about your smile."

A Little More Time

Just give me a little more time to grieve over you, just a little more time until I have completely moved away from whatever it is that's been keeping me trapped in the illusion that there was, and there is us. Just give me a little more time until I forget you and until I am far removed from whatever it is that has been between the two of us...

You and I, individually, we're real, together, we're fiction. I am a woman who was stupefied by the beauty of words and stories, that I allowed myself to fail to recognize the lack of reality from your side. I could never justify myself with all these "I thought"s, for these thoughts should never have occurred in the first place.

I will not think of how I fell for you. And I will not cry over how I've got my heart broken. I will not return and come back. And I will be alright. I will be alright. All these after a little more time. Not just yet, for today, I will let my heart continue to melt in despair and longing. Today, I will indulge myself with torturous thoughts of the past and the fictional future. Today, I still ask God why. Today, I tell Him and admit to Him how it hurts and maybe He could do something with this little, weak organ of mine. Right now,I will still contemplate... and hope. Yes, funny. But the hope is alive within me, sparkling and shining like there could never be anything else breathing but it. What a funny thing that hope could be such a tease, a mocking idea that is in front of me.

You tell me I'm pathetic for being the way I am? Well, I couldn't describe myself with a far better word. That's what I am. Maybe I thought too much, maybe I was a dreamer. Maybe I color everything that were supposed to be left black and gray. And maybe, or really, this is how I was supposed to end up.

Just a little more time. I'm sorry that it's taking too long. Is a little more time too much? Is it enough? Where do I go after that? I don't know, but I pray it's not here anymore. I pray that after this span of time, I can fuel myself to move forward and away, away from everything that is you and me. And after a little more time, I pray I could finally say "so long, old friend".

I Wish The Rain Would Remain

I wish the rain would remain...

Because it gives me this feeling
     I could rest all day
And the world is more poetic
     When it's colored gray
It makes me think that
      To reminisce is okay
I think it'd be easier for you
      To say to me 'Hey'
And it'd be natural for me
      If I ask you to stay
Maybe it'd be lighter to
      Just blabber and say
All the things that our hearts
     Would want to convey

Let me tell you that

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Hello You, 

Whenever I think of the future and of intertwined fingers, and of the things that happen on the road, I think of you. I dream that it will be your skin touching mine, tickling a sleepy melody to rise to life.

And when thoughts about blue darkness and shining stars emerge in my head, surely, I think of you and our voices under them.

I think of you and me and everything that could stitch us together and of you and me 
and everything beyond our fears. I dream of your smile glowing despite the dim skies. I dream of your voice surveying the outline of my ears. I dream of the stories we could ink on the time that passes us by. 

And I am immersed in the beauty of the possibilities between our wandering souls. I dream of you and I think of you. I think of you and I think of how I'm dreaming of you. 

Skate

Sudden

I want to exist. 

But I want to be unseen. 

I am not afraid to shed tears. 

But I fear the possibility of being heard while I sob. 

I want them to understand that my heart is fragile and easily broken. 

But I want to look like a tower, invincible and hollowed.

Sometimes, I wonder how much I understand myself. I know my misses and my incapacity. The loudness that I pose plays veil over everything I'm trying to conceal. And each day that I get to see more of the skies and the roads, I see how little of a piece I am under and within these unending walls. I try to perceive my confidence in myself. I am a lot of things, as we all are. And mostly, I am nothing. My words are as incoherent as my thoughts are. I try to continue on searching and living. I, I am. Always trying. Always looking. Wanting. Craving. 

Spell Beautiful

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We are all broken,
That's how the light gets in.
-Ernest Hemingway

Sometimes I get confused with preferences and standards. The concepts of the un-beautiful and the overlooked. Are we always boxed within predetermined concepts that we end up adjusting to meet those standards, failing to find out what's true, pure and sincere? Wouldn't it be a lot more empowering to understand and perceive surfaces with the context underlying and surrounding them?

What is the meaning of "beautiful"? Is it an appearance or is it an expression? An appearance that is changeable and variable with time and events? Or an expression of something that is within, of something more powerful and more genuine, of pains, joys, curiosities, and passions?

You are beautiful. I'm not saying this because this line has been available and rehearsed by most people to appreciate people. There is a certain depth to these words that only those who choose to look will understand. Everyone has beauty. And every one of us should appreciate each other's beauty. But let me add another idea here. 

We are all beautiful but this beauty we possess can only be visible if we choose to show it. Never think that the definition of beautiful is the standard set by people whose eyes see only the shallowest. The beauty in you is the reality that is within you. It may be absurd, it may be unacceptable, it may be imperfect... according to the predetermined standards. What makes you real is what makes you human, and that itself makes you beautiful. 

We have fears. We are afraid that the reality in us may limit us from being accepted or loved, but true acceptance and true love sees through imperfections and weaknesses. True love appreciates real beauty. When we tamper this authentic beauty with pretensions and with efforts to climb up the society's standards, that's when we choose to hide the beautiful in us. But if we remain true and pure, then, there would we find those who will love us with sincerity. We should allow people to love the real beauty in us. 

You think you're unusual? There's so much beauty in what's different. There's so much beauty in the real expression of the spirit within everyone's flesh. Don't get bothered that you're deviated from the norms, as long as it's real and true, it is ethereal and worthy of love and appreciation.  

These words are not new. They've been paraphrased, translated, rephrased, spoken, written, believed, rejected, passed on from nations to nations, among peoples, throughout time. But its timelessness proves its strength. All of us should be reminded of these things everytime, so we might not falter to look for the wrong kind of love through the wrong ways of beautifying ourselves.

----------------------

A reminder to self

PS, this certain post's font style is annoyingly different from the whole blog's font style. Tried to do something about it, but it ain't changing ugh. Just saying.

Written

Your words ink

Memories into my heart

Printing permanency

To promises

That will

Never be forgotten

Carrying on

To all

The tomorrows

I'll have

Remembering

And Falling

For you

An afternoon into space

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And for another moment in my life, I crave again. For the saltwater kissing my feet, for the dirt and dust hugging me, for all the places and spaces I could run and walk along, I crave. There is this gentle impatience within my heart that wants and wants and screams for something else, for the things that are rather and the things that would be. I try to hush these screaming desires with the silence I pose in the surface. While the world talks and goes about, I contemplate my life and regulate the noise within my system. I have to shut it up right now or it would pain me to think of the things that are yet. I just want for things to happen, for them to really happen. In a way that everyday is a new set of skies, and every minute is an unfamiliar street. I want to see more and I want to go beyond beyond. 

All I am right now is another speck of a dreamer under the navy skies. All I can be sure of right now is that I am uncertain of what will be, and that I will never know what's about to conspire until it unfolds. All I can do is live in the moment and let myself take the minutes into slow and sure strides. Tomorrow is patiently waiting. And all I am doing is towards it. Patience has not always been all I am, but it's all I could be as of now. 

------

Impatience is not all the source of my staring-into-nothing spree this afternoon. There is something that makes me think. Maybe it is the ghosts of the mistakes and failures, of the misses and wrongs, of all the things ugly and sad that I've ever encountered. I don't know, but I ended up too doped by these things unknown that I don't wanna delve into anything interesting. Is it cradling this uninteresting and boring feeling that I am currently having what I am doing right now? Unsure of anything really as of the moment. 

I don't even know if I want to pause the clock or speed by to the future awaiting. I understand nothing, and I can hardly translate to myself these weird, lapsing heartbeats. Why am I so up in the nothingness that I find no life in this afternoon? And right now, I am approaching midnight. And all these minutes I let pass without proper shepherding of the time. This is quite disturbing---the feeling of emptiness and nothingness---but what have I to do? It may be because I want a lot of things right now or may be because I am trying to keep myself at rest from all the chaos in the world, that I have to listen to my own chaos, tat which is within me. I don't know. Theories, theories, theories. We have so much of them I can't indulge the world with another set of theories. Anyway, I was hoping that writing these would help me somehow. As if I could vent the emotions into this writing machine. 

-------

What could I do? What could I hope for? My life is stuck in between. Between the feeling of too much life and blood and the feeling of emptiness and hunger, between the feeling of rage and music and the feeling of quiet and silence, between the feeling of pride and the feeling of insecurities, between the feeling of confidence and the feeling of uncertainty. I am a lot of things. And I am mostly unsettled. I hope in the One who has an eye for what has to come and an eye that reaches the depths of souls. I look up to Him to fill the emptiness and to still the raging desires. Because my humanness demands and demands and it is never filled enough. And in all these, I end up hoping. Praying. Trusting. It will soon be. It will be. Soon. 

That thing that went wrong

I'm still trying to wheel myself forward and away from "it". I don't understand what's got me stuck. With friends around and with all these stuff in my plate, I really should have had a nice groove out of "it" already, but well, I'm still here and the rage in me is um, stronger than before. I don't really like feeling this way. My friends may be getting tired of me being and acting this way. They want me to not be like this because "it" was all crap in the first place.

But I started to hate opening my eyes and waking up to these weird feelings in my chest, especially whenever I wake up from my afternoon naps. Just every time, I feel an emptiness that I am trying to solve. And I always trace back the solitude to "it". "It" and everything about "it".

The youth of my heart and the lack of its knowledge on "it" may be the reason why I could hardly strut out of my emotions. I am trying to understand if ever there's anyone to blame for all these. But no, I don't know. Should I blame myself for being so vulnerable to "it"? Should I blame my foolishness (which I shall never label innocence) or does this happen a million times a day to different girls/ladies/women under the sun? Should I blame... because... was just trying to pave... way out of the loneliness... is trapped into? Was it really just mere loneliness or was it mixed with full knowledge on all of it, with a destructive plan for deception?

I don't find any conscious effort to forget effective so my main technique these days is quite aversive. I may be exposing myself to all these stimuli that tap memory perceptors that open and retrieve recorded files, and the recorded emotions with them. I do these to flood myself until the feelings got satiated and until I get used to the worst reminders and until I feel nothing for  them anymore. I don't know if what I'm doing is effective, because this may be called "torture" in other languages. This doesn't make me wanna move forward in reality, it makes me want to go back to "it" and just revise whatever's conspired but no, no, no. Please, not just yet. Ughh I really don't know what to do anymooooore.

Anyway, I know that this happened bajillion times in this planet already. One crying heart because of "it" is not news and not fatal. We all know that these cases always end up in either two roads only: the "moved-on" road or the "forever-stuck-because-I'm-a-crazy-fool-I-don't-wanna-go-anywhere-else-but-here" road. I have a very interesting and fun life to end up in the second road, of course. I am quite sure, though I have no vision for the future, that I'd end up in the first one. But it's quite bloody getting there. It's not easy. Golly, why was I born being so sentimental and vulnerable! This becomes a problem when "it" is already in the third stage of the tie, but I was only in the a-fourth stage of it all! Sauced barbecue! I am crazy.

Okay. Thanks. Bye.

I would be glad if

I would be glad if

I could just

Shove this stone

Off

Which is dominating

My core

That even the touch

Of cloth

Would provoke

The sting 

It holds

I would be glad if

I could just

Let you know

That

I am contemplating

My rules

That one word 

From you

Would provoke

The emotions

I hold

Within and Monsters

There's this thing about looking within. About the courage to see through yourself and what you might be covering. Every one of us is shielded by our skin. And maybe we thought that's enough to stop them from looking.

But time will make things that we keep apparent. Sooner or later, our thoughts will be unearthed. And maybe they'll find what's been kept and buried. Or maybe it will come out from the things that we said.

It won't matter really what people might think. What matters is that you know what's within. It won't matter if they'll find it surprising. What will matter is that you're ready for it.

You know your own monsters. You know we all have it somewhere. Deep within the soul when we dig deeper.

Just don't let it be the one found in your core. It's there but it doesn't have to eat you whole. Maybe you can calm it or deal with it sooner. Maybe it will leave you and leave you with a peaceful soul.

Monday Research

I don't wanna see you
But I wanna tell myself
That
I did everything to find you

It's real, it's flying!

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Yesterday I celebrated my 20th year in this beautiful planet. T W E N T Y. Okay, not much of a big deal, except that it starts with the number 2. But it's okay. Really, it is. 

I was listing a "20 things I'd want to happen right now" list yesterday while I was in class. I always write cheesy things like that from time to time and it's funny, these things I want right now. Among the things I wrote was "Get a good job before my next birthday." And I went on to describe what a "good job" is. And then, I paused for a few seconds, looked up to my professor (who had been discussing all about Qualitative Studies in Research) and thought: Right now, I'm wishing that I'd already have a job before my next birthday! A job! (Adult life. Time is just so fast!)

Yep! By that time, hopefully and prayerfully, I'm no more in school and I'm already starting to track the pave stones to life! Ergo, few months from now I'd be even more entitled to explore my wonderful lifescape and plus plus plus. And life will get even more difficult, of course, but it's okay, because it's totally gonna be different and the puzzles of life will be even more complex but it's okay because that's how life should be and that life will remain beautiful, navy, and peach. I. am. so. excited.

Twenty. Sounds like a huge responsibility. I'm nearer to who I was designed to be, and there are gonna be more misses and hits but it's gonna be adventurous and that's how it is for all. I am excited. Right now, the things I do make even more sense. I mean they all had sense, but I see them from a twenty-year-old-girl eyes now (allowing it to sink in may not be too hard haha). The perspective started to be long-term. I will strive not for dreams that are just 2 meters away but for aspirations that are two earths away.

I will study more diligently not just to graduate from a degree but because I want to build a life after college. 
I will get into a healthier diet because my tomorrow self will thank me for that.
I will love people not just because I am inclined to do so but because affection and embraces are vital for me to keep going.
I will read more books to know the visions of the yesterdays and to understand the dreams of the future.
I will live in the present because my life is being designed to be even greater.
I will dream not just because that's all I can do but because that's where I'll get to.
I will keep falling for Him because that's all that will matter when the roads get rockier, when the oceans get deeper and when the mountains get steeper.

Yeaaa! :) More adventures to learn on wearing skirts! :) Happy 20th year to the dreamy me!

Poetry

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Breathing out what has been breathed in

Saying things that cannot be said

Speaking truths without being honest

Freedom encapsulated in a cylinder

Words are lovely, words are pure

I'll tell you things that are deep and true

Words are real, words are beautiful

I'll tell you stories about how I love you

Happy National Poetry Day in UK!! 

For a while now

Inseparable from these incomprehensible beats
Mind floating and flying to where we were
Inevitable thoughts dance their way through wires
Should I speak of what is true
Should I lie to keep the beauty I hold
Years I await to change what's conspired
Oblige me to forget and let go
Untie me from you, and you from me

Are you there

So much emotions surge in my heart right now. Tears have been lingering relentlessly on the surface of my eyes. And every little thing that I do reminds me of what's happening.

I can barely study. I can't remember what's in the long list of my pending tasks. Stuff are cluttered around me. I am feeling downhearted. I have these thoughts of fleeing. I want to retract from this world altogether.

Probably I'm hungry but I'm not sure. I think that there's something going crazy in my hypothalamus because I can't clearly interpret the signals from my physical body. I can't do anything. I don't wanna do anything. I've just been staring at my laptop. The things that I find lovely can't catch my attention. My heart is caught on strings, and I end up wondering and talking to myself, meditating and asking God.

What's happening? Where is God right now? My heart wonders. My heart calls Him. My heart cries out to Him!

Where are you? Are you even there?




Are you there, God?

And through my breaking heart, and through my wondering, I hear His voice.

And He answers and whispers so very gently to my heart.

"Stay put, anak. 'Wag ka masyadong mag-alala. I am here. I am with you. I've called you out to the great unknown, where feet may fail. Fear may surround you. But just trust in me. Magtiwala ka sa'kin. Ibigay mo na lahat ng 'to sa'kin."

"Have fear in me, and you will be fearless to all else. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before you, I am at work."

Through my tears and grief, I know He is there. He said He will take over. He said that it's not for me nor for us to go through alone.

People may think that it's stupid to continue on this walk that's been causing us distress and discouragements. People may think that it's crazy to think of continuing to shout praises to God everywhere, wherever we are. But this is what I was and we were created for. What's causing me pain is my doubting heart. What's causing my doubts is my fear of the unknown. But there's no unknown right now. The ending will always be God's victory. Whatever happens next lies in His hands, not on anybody's.

We are merely humans, and so we are inclined to emotions. It is inevitable for us to feel down and broken. It is inevitable for us to be afraid and to fear what's to come. But above all these, we are assured and comforted by the knowledge that He will take over through all these things.

We are humans and somewhere in our hearts, we're looking up to a supreme being who can rescue us, because we know that we're incapable. But my trust in God is not a result of my humanness. My trust in Him is a result of His greatness. I look up to Him not just because there's this human need for a supreme being in me, but because He is there and He is worthy of my trust.

As always, it is God's turn to do something great and miraculous. And I am waiting for that. All I know is that He is there. He is here. And nothing else matters.

Ninth of Ninth

An alarm unconsciously dismissed
Soft exchanges of goodbyes and good mornings
Lovely conversation to the lovely One
And a crazy talk to the mind, to the self
A rush to finish the tasks of the day that passed
Breakfast prepared during high noon, sun's up

A little conversation before the day's heat
A jog downwards to the place where to be
Huge droplets from the broken clouds
Leaves racing to the end of the road
Music playing to keep the time running on
A ride and a read to the place where to be

Few people who were passing by
Few people for hugs and hi's
An hour and more laughing while waiting
Some words of lessons and some of warnings
An hour less of planning while waiting
The other half of the day is just startin'

With the feet and everything else soaked
An afternoon of studying and talking
Girls chattering about what they chatter about
Iced chocolate and drinks to add to the coldness
Through words of wisdom and nonwisdom

A dizzy head and a panting heart
Rushing again to finish the day's job
The stars are peering with no shine
A plane passed by through the purple skies
Ideas squeezed from the learners of life
Prayers were uttered in the silence of lips
I beg for rest and that's how it all ends

Writing a true story

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Right now...

I'm writing a story. It's categorized under fiction. It happened in real life. I write it as squarely as it happened. But still, it's fiction. It's not even a fiction based on true story. It is a true story that is considered as fiction. I've said the word "fiction" four times already. And that just made it five.

Imaginary. That's almost all of it. It was as if a walk in a dream. It seemed all true. It felt so true. Because it was felt in the veins. Because it was felt in the heart. Because the stars brightly shone even amidst the breaking skies.

I'm writing about red lights. I'm writing about a person who pedaled through these lights. I'm writing how it has been a dangerous ride.

I'm writing from a point of view.

And I'm writing from someone else's point of view.

I'm trying to write from two very different people's points of view.

I'm writing fiction. It's about struggling. It's about discoveries. It's about people. It's about growing up. It's about perception. It's about the heart. Of all the things it is, it isn't about love.

It's as simple. It has no other setting but words and thoughts.

It's fiction.

But it happened.

A Note to the Restless

Dear Me, 

You are feeling excited for the things yet to come. I know that there's some kind of a craving deep within your soul. You want to see more of the world. You want to see more of the oceans. You want to drown and come out alive. 

You want to read more thoughts--thoughts from all these interesting people. You want to read all these ideas from the dead. You want to see the world that once was. You want to unravel the mysteries that will never unfold. 

You want to keep your feet busy. You want to hit the road. You want to hit the skies. You want to witness a series of sunsets and sunrises in front of your very eyes. You want to watch the world while you're moving. 

You want a lot of things. You want to smell the mixture of the sun and the rain. You want to feel midnight and high noon. You want to feel the sand melt with saltwater right under your body. 

Your dreams melt your pain. You forget the pain that has been lingering around your heart. You start to forget the uncertainties that wrapped your thoughts. You now want to break free. You are in awe of reaching the distant. 

And you just can't wait. You just can't breathe. You want it now. But you want it for later. You want to go now. But you are waiting for the right timing.

I tell you, despite all your longings and cravings, be still. 

Be still, my dear. Be still.

The pace is perfect. 

The road has been prepared. 

Be still while you're restless. 

Love, You.

Middle Fourteen Playlist

Middle Fourteen Playlist

1. Thrive - Switchfoot
2. Come Here - Marble Sounds
3. Love & Loss - The Honey Trees
4. Yet - Switchfoot
5. Nothing Like Your Love - Hillsong United
6. Will You Be There - Skillet
7. Concrete Girl - Switchfoot
8. Uncertainty - The Fray
9. The Fear You Won't Fall - Joshua Radin
10. Come Right Out And Say It - Relient K
11. Backwards - Christina Perri
12. Let Her Go - Passenger

Repost: Typewriter Series #884

"When you think, if for a moment, that you're loving enough, you aren't."

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8 30 14

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Running
Running out of breath
The skies are dim
There's a little fall of rain

Walking
Walking out of the pain
The breeze is cool
There's a little fall of tears

Remembering
Remembering what have been
The memories are clear
There's someone falling

Paced up
Ran again

There are other runners
All are trying

The gray clouds above
The wet grounds below

There are people
All are striving

We're all trying to leave
We're all trying to live

Days go on
Ways move on

It's just another morning
Yes, just another

Secrets

Under the midnight skies 

With the stars twirling around

You were walking

And you were with me

The words hardly suffice

For the beauty we've found 

You were talking

And it was with glee

You were lovely and perfect

And I knew I love you

I won't say anything

Because I am afraid

The fog and air was thick

And my fear turns me blue

I won't speak about falling

I'll keep you shaded

Thoughts

What thoughts should I think of?

What thoughts should I have?

I have this deep desire to scribble

But what thoughts do I have?

But what thoughts do I think of?

A Prayer to Fall

Love just doesn't lose... never loses its worth.

It's been a while now that I've started to pray that I'd just love, love with the purity of the heart, with the desire to know someone deeply and to understand imperfections. I started to pray this partly because of my fears. There are times when I'm afraid to fall. I'm afraid to not be loved in return and be hurt. But the adventurous person in me says otherwise. To love is a great adventure. Being hurt is part of that adventure. The uncertainty is a part of the adventure. Every single part of it is an adventure.

Now, there are times when I envy those who are wounded and hurt because they loved. I want to know what that's like. I know that if I experienced that brokenness, I'd have a glimpse of the character of the true Love. I'd have a small view on how He felt when He loved purely and has been rejected consecutively by every single person He loved. And that idea comforts me from my fears. I start to understand that Someone understands how I feel and well, He promised to be by me through my brokenness.

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Okay so...

Recently, there are things that made me wonder about how I'll deal with it when I started falling in love, er, romantically. It's crazy, I know! I'm afraid, yes. Really. But the thing is I started to think how I'll act on it. How should I feel? What should I do? Should I express myself freely?

Honestly, I've been thinking these thoughts prayerfully, then it was as if thoughts flooded me. I wrote these thoughts on my post prior to this one: When I love You. I was a bit surprised with this one, though. I know that I already knew these thoughts even from before. But these thoughts I knew haven't been really deeply engraved in me before.

I reread my post after I wrote it. There's something really weird in it. I read it again, and I started feeling a tightening in my chest. That whole thing... it's a message to me! I started to feel like crying. This is the thing about love. And it was like the greatest Lover was telling me these things. And it was as if He was telling me, "This is how I love you and this is how you should love."

It's really awesome that God speaks through my thoughts. And I experience His presence always, that He answers even the smallest questions I have in mind. The thing about love and the right ways to love was shown unto us with Jesus's demonstration:

Love selflessly. Love patiently. Love purely. Love boldly. Just love.

When I love you

When I love you, I'll share with you every beautiful thing in my life
I'll let you know what makes me happy
And what makes my heart flutter
I'd want you to be a part of it

When I love you, I'd want to wish you a great day
I'd want you to enjoy your mornings
And I'd pray that you'd be glad when the night comes

When I love you I know I'd be hurt,
I know that loving doesn't come easy
But I'll deal with the pain
I'll let it linger
As long as it may take
Because that's reminding myself that it is love

When I love you, I'll understand your imperfections

I'll see through how messed up you are
And understand how broken you are
Through it all, I'll stay

When I love you and you have disappointed me,
I won't let you feel like you're losing me
I'll let you know that I understand
And that I can put up with you

When I love you and everything seems wrong,
I'll understand
That some things go the other way

When I love you and you don't love me,
I can love you still
Because this is how I understand love,
It never waits for anything in return
Love just loves

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The Thinking Therapy

Distractions. They say you need to be distracted from whatever it is that keeps you sad. Distractions like hanging out with friends, watching movies, reading, etc. I'd say I want to be distracted. I want my thoughts be kept away from whatever it is that's lingering and piercing in my heart. But that makes me feel even sadder.

Apparently, I'm sad. For some reasons, I'm sad. I am still functional though. I can carry on the whole day, I can still do my chores, I can still do some things that I wanna do. Yea, just some. But the sadness is whispering to me, calling my attention. It just wants to be attended to.

I try to read, watch stuff, but I can't. I find it hard to divert my attention to other matters. I find it hard to add information into my head. The emotion is demanding. The only things I can do are the things that don't require much thinking (eg hanging around in Pinterest, doing crafts, cleaning, organizing), those activities that keep me moving. I need to do something so I wouldn't be stuck thinking.

I wanna talk about the pain that is in my chest, but I know no one would understand me. People who'd come to me with the same hurt that I have right now would look really pathetic to me. I think I'm just sinking in a shallow body of water, and I can find my way out anytime, but I just can't. That makes me look stupid. I probably just don't know how to deal with this kind of pain. And that adds to my sadness. Obviously, a lot of things pile up to my sadness and boom, this makes my heart wanna explode.

So, distractions won't work, talking doesn't seem fit, I am left to one thing: thinking. I am thinking about the pain. I am thinking about it the time I'm writing this. I feel it pierce my heart with very little needles. I am just so hurt and I'm thinking about how much it hurts.

They say as much as possible don't think about it! Just let it go or avoid allowing yourself from thinking. But I can't. I find the avoidance hard, I'm being called by the pain. It impedes my life from moving forward. I need to do something about it! And that something I thought is to think of it. Think of it until I grew tired of the pain, and all I can do is let it go (but hey, I've been letting it go, it just won't go away).

Thinking helps me face the pain. It helps me face the sadness that's eating me. It helps me talk to what's hurting me, like, "Hey, what do you want? What would keep you away?". And I can talk to my heart and say, "What's wrong with you, fragile one? Why are you being so stupid again?". And as I get more delved into thinking, I get to understand all the lines connected to the pain. It makes my head clearer. It makes it easier to accept what hurts me. It makes the pain-giver look nothing.

I'm giving myself this therapy right now, well, together with the distractions and some small talking. But, of course, I've to do it only when I'm in bed, if I do it the whole day then I need some kind of other major therapies. Thinking therapy is a lot like the concept of flooding in Psychology. I'm exposing myself to the cause of "unwellness".

Despite the time I've spent thinking, I'm still sad though. I'm hoping I'll recover from this blow. Well, that's life. It's painful and confusing for the most part of it. But I think I'll get better. I hope I'll get better.

Repost: Not your dream girl

A friend of mine shared this post with me, and I just absolutely loved it! It was so honest and simple. I liked the thoughts on this post, obviously, that I'm reposting it. Haha. Waaah, she's soooo cooool. Anyway

It was written by Isa Garcia. And here's the original post: Not your dream girl

I am not your dream girl.

I am not the girl you built in your head when you were too busy falling in love with the idea of love. I am not the inverse of your ex-girlfriend, not the complete opposite of the last woman who took your heart and reduced it to ashes. If you’re hiding from pain then I can’t promise to not stir up old traumas or revive the ghosts you always thought no longer existed. Before any of us can even step outside the shores of safety and while the slate is still clean, I want to be straight with you. I am not going to make you happy all the time. 

Because the truth is: I’m probably not even going to like you all the time.

I am not going to save you or stitch you together or suddenly make you complete. Let me put all of this out there already. Believe it or not, I’m waving my honesty like a flag because I respect you. Because I’ve seen friends and brothers-from-another-mother become schmucks crushed by the hand of she wasn’t who I thought she was. Their hearts, bruised from the sudden deflation, have given me the resolve to abide by a different kind script, to come clean as early as now.

Because I think, at the very least, that you deserve to be saved from the illusion.

I am not your dream girl.

What I am is a real girl. Flesh and bones and tears and sweat; a palette of wonderful and ugly. I have a heart that is still learning to be absolutely worthy of someone’s trust. I am selfish and I am jealous and I don’t always tell the truth. I’ve got layers of insecurity wrapped beneath my smile. I doubt  myself enough times to carry question marks in my dreams.

I am a real girl who is not always pretty, who is hammering out the mess so that I might one day become a true kind of beautiful. I’m vulnerable, yes. But I’ve got more hope than I even have a right to possess. 

I am a real girl with words springing from the top of my head; a girl who believes in the credo of redemption that never stops telling me that I will always have worth. I am learning to speak up and say sorry. I am learning to be ridiculously generous with my kindness. I am stretching my heart, giving my dysfunction the permission to exist but also learning, every day, to be better.

I will disappoint you.
But I will also probably surprise you.

I am a real girl who has been hurt and will hurt and is always struggling to make something good out of the former. That, I think, is all you really need to know.

Seven Twenty-Eight

It's the last Monday of our "summer" vacation. We're counting days to the first semester of the new academic year.

Today is just as ordinary as it can get. Everything's well, quite normal. I went somewhere, it was just a short trip. Took few hours and I was back home already.

Anyway

On the way home, I passed by the place where I went to high school. I saw the high school students of this generation. It was nice looking at them. They were basking in the uncertainties of childhood and growing up. I could laugh at them, and tell them, "You think this is it? You think this is most of life already? Think again." Ha ha now that makes me sound like I haven't reached satisfaction and joy in this young life (which isn't the case at all). But, I would've loved it when someone told me that then (or not). There I was, thinking I've already grasped most of what's in it in life, only to find out years later, that I'd have to reset all that I believed in about people and all that I believed in about myself. Okay, not all, but most.

I can only imagine them trying to open different boxes, trying to look for who they are. I can just imagine them trying to search if there could be a someday further than their "today", a somewhere wider than their "here", and a someone far greater than who they are right now.

Then my thoughts about them stopped, the ride sped up and away. Maybe, I was just exaggerating my thoughts. What with this self-claimed poetic soul, trying to look into other people's thoughts ha ha ha, maybe I was just overthinking about them. They'll find the way through. Everyone does. Or I hope they will.

Other than that, the day went on. The way it usually does.

Just like any other afternoons.

Full of thoughts. Full of wondering. Full of uncertainties. Full of faith-stretching questions.

Beautiful Chaos

It's been raining relentlessly. 
That's the thing with the rain, once it starts, it feels like it's going to be forever. 
How comforting it is to witness those falling drops from those skies.

The beauty of the rain is confusing.
It is a beautiful chaos. 
It's painful.
It's lovely.
It's almost like love. 
It is a lot like love.

C'est la vie

You feel excited, exhilarated, something awesome is gonna happen! Everything is still categorized under "Uncertainty" but you believed in yourself it's gonna happen!

You start thinking what you could do when it happens. I mean, you just can't wait. You feel it in your veins. It's there, causing your blood to boil... it's gonna happen, this is gonna be it.

You just can't contain your joy, you know in your heart it should happen...

Seconds, minutes, hours ticked by...

You're waiting... expectantly. With gleeful anticipation. With your heart racing like it's going to fall out of beat.

Another set of seconds, minutes and hours ticked by...

You're still waiting... expectantly. With confused anticipation. With your heart racing faster than before.

Another set of seconds, minutes and hours ticked by...

You're waiting. Without any anticipation anymore. Your heart racing like it's never done before.

The last set of seconds, minutes and hours ticked by...

You're still there. Staring out into the empty space. All your hopes dried out.

It didn't happen.

You waited...

...for nothing.

You realize you've been wrong... you just got ahead of yourself and matters.

Your expectations are way too different from reality. Such are your shattered hopes.

You shoved it off and say, "That's life!". You said it until you believe you believed it.

Interview with Jon Foreman

This morning, I was digging stuff on Youtube, and I came across an Air1 interview with Jon Foreman (Switchfoot's frontman). This was held last January 2014, while Switchfoot was on tour promoting their latest album, Fading West.

I can't help but post this video on my page, because the interview was so beautiful, it actually hits/targets the fourth-quadrant-people. In this interview, Jon talked about questions nonbelievers ask, and questions lingering in Christians' heads.

By the way, Swtichfoot is an American alt rock band. The members of the band are Christians but they are not a Christian band (see here), thus they commercially target the secular market.

"Where is God in the genocide?" (his thoughts when he wrote the song Vice Verses)

"I can be filled with horrible thoughts in the very center of church or conversely, I can be in the mind of Christ in a really dark place..."

"The church can be the most dangerous place for Christians, because we can be so insulated, incubated, we forget about the suffering..."

"The moment you ask yourself 'Why am I here?', 'Is there God, is He real?', then that's the moment you drive yourself to discovery."

"There are surfers chasing waves... but what if we made a movie about surfers chasing songs not just waves" on their movie, Fading West.

Switchfoot is a classic favorite of mine. Usually, Jon tackles the interior of a Christian's life in most of his writings. He also writes about people who are confused and who are trying to find meaning in life. He exposes what other Christians try to cover. I love that I could say "this song is my life" on most of their tracks.

Catching the Midsummer Rain: A Short Story

I planned to go home early today. No staying a little later than I was expected to. These past few days, I've been staying later than 6:00 PM, our dismissal time, in our office. This is my third week being an intern. I am agitated to get it over with. This afternoon, I eyed for things to be done at once so I can leave the time I should.

My boss came back from outside the office. "It's raining outside. Will you guys be okay?" It was 5:31 PM. Will you be okay? Is that even a question? I need to go home at this hour, I thought a while ago.

I was polishing my work. I should be over with these. It's raining outside, and even if I'm within the walls of the company, I felt like I can feel the chills from the rain seeping through. I shouldn't miss the midsummer rain, I thought. People thought I was hurrying to get home because I was trying to avoid traffic or heavy rains. No. I was trying to catch something. I was trying to catch the rain. I was excited to witness the heavy drops pour from the skies.

I was done packing up by 5:42 PM. I became conscious of myself. I don't think it looks good to go home earlier but, I needed to go out.

Then I bid goodbye by 5:48 PM

I opened the glass doors, and went out smiling to and with myself. The rain was pouring heavily. It was lavishly showering the thirsty green creatures that have been getting too much attention from the sun lately. 

I love rains. I love the drowsy feeling it has. It is a remarkable season for joy, sorrow, fear, passion, art and anything else around the hem. I love how it makes me wanna be happy and sad at the same time. I love how beautiful it feels when it's raining and you're sleeping or reading or writing.

I walked along the bricked and tiled floors of the outdoor halls, smiling and excited while fumbling for my umbrella. Had I not been tired I would have given myself in to that pouring rain! But I was still sane to manage to shield myself from the furious raindrops. I put my headphones on and played indie folk music. It was a dreamy, blurry walk. I walked along UP Technohub's center, where the fountains are found. The fountain was off that time. The rain water is increasing, its height reached the ankles of my sneakers. I was so happy, I felt like I could dance under the pouring skies. 

I rode the FX to Lacson Street. I was satisfied. It was cold. I was listening to good music. And I opened my Kindle reader, and clicked to where I was reading. That journey could go on forever. I sometimes look up to catch glimpses of the rain outside. The droplets make the van's window look cracked. This really could go on forever. 

The rain eventually stopped. 

It was a beautiful few minutes of my life. 

It just rained. But no, it will not rain  just yet. 

The rain is back. The seasons are changing. Again.

I can't wait to start another season of my life again.

Concrete Girl: A Song for a/the Heroine

Concrete Girl (from the album New Way to be Human) is a song written and performed by the American band Switchfoot, which is also a super-favorite band of mine (because I love their music and the poetic atmosphere in their songs). Most of the time,  for a morning jumpstarter from my playlist, I play Switchfoot's groovy songs (e.g. Awakening, You Already Take Me There).

Anyway

This is the first time I'm gonna feature something like this on my blog just because

Last night or yesterafternoon, I was in the office (the site of my internship) and I was reprimanded. I cried in front of my boss. For (more or less) 30 minutes. And I don't understand why. Why was I doing that? I'm a total failure, I thought... while crying... and I cried even more. I was so fragile, I could be broken even more than I was already broken. From pieces to more pieces.

I was sorry I did cry. My boss really was sorry. She said she was, she even texted me last night. That makes things feel even more miserable. I made someone feel bad about herself. And while I was thinking that while I was crying in front of her while she's saying sorry to me, I cried even more.

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And then I rode the fx to home. Along the way, I put on my headphones and listened to music. Concrete Girl of Switchfoot played first. Here's how it goes:

Bleeding thoughts 

Cracking boulder 

Don't fall over 

Fake your laughter 

Burn the tear 

Sing it louder 

Twist and shout 

Way up here 

We stand on shoulders 

Growing colder 

Laugh or cry 

I won't mind 

Sing it louder 

Twist and shout 

Immovable shadows 

The concrete girl 

They'll rock your world to nothing 

And they're swimming around again, again 

And they're swimming around 

The concrete girl 

Catch your breath like four-leaf clover 

Hand it over 

Scream to no one 

Take your time 

Sing it louder 

Twist and shout 

Nothing to run from is worse than something 

And all your fears of nothing 

And they're swimming around again, again 

And they're swimming around 

The concrete girl 

Concrete girl don't fall down 

In this broken world around you 

Concrete girl don't fall down 

Don't fall down my concrete girl 

Don't stop thinking 

Don't stop feeling now 

One step away from where we were 

And one step back to nothing 

And we're standing on top of our hopes and fears 

And we're fighting for words now concrete girl 

And we're swimming around again, again 

And we're swimming around now 

Concrete girl 

(lyrics via azlyrics.com)

Then, what did I do while listening to this song, aside from hitting the "repeat current song" in the settings? I cried even more, yea, but, I reflected just like how heroines in movies do. I looked out the window and watched the fast-paced world, this concrete world. I watched the city lights. I watched the people. I tried to see where I am in this sea of people. I am drowned in this sea of people, but someone's telling me to not fall down in this broken world around me. I was like oh, Switchfoot, thank you so much!

It was like God was playing the song to me. It was like He was holding my hand, telling me, don't fall down. 

When you say something's concrete, it is something made of hard material. For me, when the surface of something is concrete, it serves to protect something that's fragile within it. I've always believed that I was strong and that no one could make me falter aside from myself. I can do things myself, I can cry on my own and stand up on my own. With what has happened, I feel like I failed myself. I don't know if I failed my mask or if my mask failed me. (I need to put on a different mask). I cried and let someone see that I am so broken. Of course, what they see is that I was crying because I was scolded. No, they're wrong. My boss didn't have to say sorry.

I was crying because I was so broken. I'm afraid for myself. I'm afraid to end up miserable forever in the same type of job or career. I'm afraid that my dreams wouldn't come true. I'm afraid about everything that hasn't happened yet. I was a total failure. I chose the monetary benefits over what could probably make me happy (because I earn allowance in my internship). I've always promised myself that I would never let myself choose high profits over my dreams but

And I broke down. The concrete girl I thought I was shattered because I hit concrete ground. When a weaker concrete hits another concrete, she gets broken. I was so embarrassed for crying because it felt like I bared myself in front of everyone, showing what I've always learned to hide. I prefer crying behind doors than in front of everyone's eyes.

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Switchfoot is right. I shouldn't fall down. The world is already broken! Why add myself there. I could never accept that I am fragile, because I think that that's for beautiful women with delicate skin only, women of my type has no other option but to be strong. I don't want to be fragile because that's for heroines of cliche storylines only. But anyway, I am fragile so that makes me a heroine. So, I need to allow God to rebuild me. I need to allow the Lord to be my concrete walls which will never break down.

Thanks, Switchfoot for this music.

Concrete girls out there, don't fall down in this broken world around you. X