An afternoon into space

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And for another moment in my life, I crave again. For the saltwater kissing my feet, for the dirt and dust hugging me, for all the places and spaces I could run and walk along, I crave. There is this gentle impatience within my heart that wants and wants and screams for something else, for the things that are rather and the things that would be. I try to hush these screaming desires with the silence I pose in the surface. While the world talks and goes about, I contemplate my life and regulate the noise within my system. I have to shut it up right now or it would pain me to think of the things that are yet. I just want for things to happen, for them to really happen. In a way that everyday is a new set of skies, and every minute is an unfamiliar street. I want to see more and I want to go beyond beyond. 

All I am right now is another speck of a dreamer under the navy skies. All I can be sure of right now is that I am uncertain of what will be, and that I will never know what's about to conspire until it unfolds. All I can do is live in the moment and let myself take the minutes into slow and sure strides. Tomorrow is patiently waiting. And all I am doing is towards it. Patience has not always been all I am, but it's all I could be as of now. 

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Impatience is not all the source of my staring-into-nothing spree this afternoon. There is something that makes me think. Maybe it is the ghosts of the mistakes and failures, of the misses and wrongs, of all the things ugly and sad that I've ever encountered. I don't know, but I ended up too doped by these things unknown that I don't wanna delve into anything interesting. Is it cradling this uninteresting and boring feeling that I am currently having what I am doing right now? Unsure of anything really as of the moment. 

I don't even know if I want to pause the clock or speed by to the future awaiting. I understand nothing, and I can hardly translate to myself these weird, lapsing heartbeats. Why am I so up in the nothingness that I find no life in this afternoon? And right now, I am approaching midnight. And all these minutes I let pass without proper shepherding of the time. This is quite disturbing---the feeling of emptiness and nothingness---but what have I to do? It may be because I want a lot of things right now or may be because I am trying to keep myself at rest from all the chaos in the world, that I have to listen to my own chaos, tat which is within me. I don't know. Theories, theories, theories. We have so much of them I can't indulge the world with another set of theories. Anyway, I was hoping that writing these would help me somehow. As if I could vent the emotions into this writing machine. 

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What could I do? What could I hope for? My life is stuck in between. Between the feeling of too much life and blood and the feeling of emptiness and hunger, between the feeling of rage and music and the feeling of quiet and silence, between the feeling of pride and the feeling of insecurities, between the feeling of confidence and the feeling of uncertainty. I am a lot of things. And I am mostly unsettled. I hope in the One who has an eye for what has to come and an eye that reaches the depths of souls. I look up to Him to fill the emptiness and to still the raging desires. Because my humanness demands and demands and it is never filled enough. And in all these, I end up hoping. Praying. Trusting. It will soon be. It will be. Soon. 

That thing that went wrong

I'm still trying to wheel myself forward and away from "it". I don't understand what's got me stuck. With friends around and with all these stuff in my plate, I really should have had a nice groove out of "it" already, but well, I'm still here and the rage in me is um, stronger than before. I don't really like feeling this way. My friends may be getting tired of me being and acting this way. They want me to not be like this because "it" was all crap in the first place.

But I started to hate opening my eyes and waking up to these weird feelings in my chest, especially whenever I wake up from my afternoon naps. Just every time, I feel an emptiness that I am trying to solve. And I always trace back the solitude to "it". "It" and everything about "it".

The youth of my heart and the lack of its knowledge on "it" may be the reason why I could hardly strut out of my emotions. I am trying to understand if ever there's anyone to blame for all these. But no, I don't know. Should I blame myself for being so vulnerable to "it"? Should I blame my foolishness (which I shall never label innocence) or does this happen a million times a day to different girls/ladies/women under the sun? Should I blame... because... was just trying to pave... way out of the loneliness... is trapped into? Was it really just mere loneliness or was it mixed with full knowledge on all of it, with a destructive plan for deception?

I don't find any conscious effort to forget effective so my main technique these days is quite aversive. I may be exposing myself to all these stimuli that tap memory perceptors that open and retrieve recorded files, and the recorded emotions with them. I do these to flood myself until the feelings got satiated and until I get used to the worst reminders and until I feel nothing for  them anymore. I don't know if what I'm doing is effective, because this may be called "torture" in other languages. This doesn't make me wanna move forward in reality, it makes me want to go back to "it" and just revise whatever's conspired but no, no, no. Please, not just yet. Ughh I really don't know what to do anymooooore.

Anyway, I know that this happened bajillion times in this planet already. One crying heart because of "it" is not news and not fatal. We all know that these cases always end up in either two roads only: the "moved-on" road or the "forever-stuck-because-I'm-a-crazy-fool-I-don't-wanna-go-anywhere-else-but-here" road. I have a very interesting and fun life to end up in the second road, of course. I am quite sure, though I have no vision for the future, that I'd end up in the first one. But it's quite bloody getting there. It's not easy. Golly, why was I born being so sentimental and vulnerable! This becomes a problem when "it" is already in the third stage of the tie, but I was only in the a-fourth stage of it all! Sauced barbecue! I am crazy.

Okay. Thanks. Bye.

I would be glad if

I would be glad if

I could just

Shove this stone

Off

Which is dominating

My core

That even the touch

Of cloth

Would provoke

The sting 

It holds

I would be glad if

I could just

Let you know

That

I am contemplating

My rules

That one word 

From you

Would provoke

The emotions

I hold

Within and Monsters

There's this thing about looking within. About the courage to see through yourself and what you might be covering. Every one of us is shielded by our skin. And maybe we thought that's enough to stop them from looking.

But time will make things that we keep apparent. Sooner or later, our thoughts will be unearthed. And maybe they'll find what's been kept and buried. Or maybe it will come out from the things that we said.

It won't matter really what people might think. What matters is that you know what's within. It won't matter if they'll find it surprising. What will matter is that you're ready for it.

You know your own monsters. You know we all have it somewhere. Deep within the soul when we dig deeper.

Just don't let it be the one found in your core. It's there but it doesn't have to eat you whole. Maybe you can calm it or deal with it sooner. Maybe it will leave you and leave you with a peaceful soul.

Monday Research

I don't wanna see you
But I wanna tell myself
That
I did everything to find you

It's real, it's flying!

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Yesterday I celebrated my 20th year in this beautiful planet. T W E N T Y. Okay, not much of a big deal, except that it starts with the number 2. But it's okay. Really, it is. 

I was listing a "20 things I'd want to happen right now" list yesterday while I was in class. I always write cheesy things like that from time to time and it's funny, these things I want right now. Among the things I wrote was "Get a good job before my next birthday." And I went on to describe what a "good job" is. And then, I paused for a few seconds, looked up to my professor (who had been discussing all about Qualitative Studies in Research) and thought: Right now, I'm wishing that I'd already have a job before my next birthday! A job! (Adult life. Time is just so fast!)

Yep! By that time, hopefully and prayerfully, I'm no more in school and I'm already starting to track the pave stones to life! Ergo, few months from now I'd be even more entitled to explore my wonderful lifescape and plus plus plus. And life will get even more difficult, of course, but it's okay, because it's totally gonna be different and the puzzles of life will be even more complex but it's okay because that's how life should be and that life will remain beautiful, navy, and peach. I. am. so. excited.

Twenty. Sounds like a huge responsibility. I'm nearer to who I was designed to be, and there are gonna be more misses and hits but it's gonna be adventurous and that's how it is for all. I am excited. Right now, the things I do make even more sense. I mean they all had sense, but I see them from a twenty-year-old-girl eyes now (allowing it to sink in may not be too hard haha). The perspective started to be long-term. I will strive not for dreams that are just 2 meters away but for aspirations that are two earths away.

I will study more diligently not just to graduate from a degree but because I want to build a life after college. 
I will get into a healthier diet because my tomorrow self will thank me for that.
I will love people not just because I am inclined to do so but because affection and embraces are vital for me to keep going.
I will read more books to know the visions of the yesterdays and to understand the dreams of the future.
I will live in the present because my life is being designed to be even greater.
I will dream not just because that's all I can do but because that's where I'll get to.
I will keep falling for Him because that's all that will matter when the roads get rockier, when the oceans get deeper and when the mountains get steeper.

Yeaaa! :) More adventures to learn on wearing skirts! :) Happy 20th year to the dreamy me!

Poetry

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Breathing out what has been breathed in

Saying things that cannot be said

Speaking truths without being honest

Freedom encapsulated in a cylinder

Words are lovely, words are pure

I'll tell you things that are deep and true

Words are real, words are beautiful

I'll tell you stories about how I love you

Happy National Poetry Day in UK!! 

For a while now

Inseparable from these incomprehensible beats
Mind floating and flying to where we were
Inevitable thoughts dance their way through wires
Should I speak of what is true
Should I lie to keep the beauty I hold
Years I await to change what's conspired
Oblige me to forget and let go
Untie me from you, and you from me