First of the last, 16th

It's midnight and I am actually putting off things that, I'm quite sure, should be addressed soon. There's just a lot of things going on and I need the evenings as time for me to pause and look at the life I lived for the day, to pause and look at the life created in other people's minds, to pause and try to figure out what to watch out for when the evening fades. This reminds me of how much I used to hate sleep. Sleep just makes life shorter, and it feels like I'm missing out on things when I doze off somewhere else. I've always wanted to explore and go beyond, that I just wonder if I'd ever acknowledge boundaries. And it feels like time is running--so for me to be able to push through, I dreamt of staying up late.

Today is a different story. I am here wishing there would be enough time for everything, and that there would be enough time to wander in dreams. I feel like I am in dire need of rest. Don't get me wrong though, I'm quite happy and satisfied with all the things in my hands and around me, I just feel like everything can be fast. I love speed and I love how easily I can get myself to another place in short spans of time, but there are times when I need to get a hold on what's happening. I tend to forget I have a beating heart and a breathing soul. I forget they need a while to take it all in. So, I just need to make time for them to get watered up and refreshed so I can battle on again for the day. Sleep isn't the solution for that for me. I don't get refreshed within with sleep. I regress back to my childish desires of wanting to not sleep whenever I have overslept, I have this tendency to hate myself for dozing off, making me miss out so much.

I would have loved the mornings to get on with my reflections, but I always try to catch up on daylight once the sun rises. And besides, the bustle starts early on the day here where I currently am. So, what I have to do is to let them all be off before I could start with my me-moments. I am actually just randomly thinking right now. I don't even know if I have any purpose as such for having these thoughts written, but then, I love my own battle against sleeping. And what I do instead when I miss it out.

I guess that's it for the thoughts tonight.

112616

After a long day (and week) of conversations 

and of running and of walking about, 

I find myself pondering upon 

the mysteries of growth and change. 

There is a handful of things 

I fail to comprehend, 

there is a certain extent of self-contempt 

that wracks my chest--

I am lost in a haze, 

blinded in a maze. 

The days 

have been demanding and requiring. 

I find myself looking from side to side, 

trying to gauge the measure of the path I'm on. 

I don't know. 

Within the dying hours, 

I reflect and fail to understand. 

Am I taking any step forward? 

Why does it seem like 

I am retracting back and again

to the point where I have been 

when I was younger? 

I feel squeezed in in this being 

that doesn't seem to grow. 

I need to let myself out. 

I need to see who I really am. 

Or am I now who I should be? 

And the only key to it is acceptance? 

It's a wonder, a trick, a riddle. 

The self 

is the most difficult puzzle 

to figure out, 

and I want a way to solve it. 

Because apart from learning 

the real deal within me, 

I will be found in sorrow. 

How does faith and love grow? 

How does hope get into completion? 

I don't understand 

but what I am most sure of is 

that acknowledgment of the state of the heart is 

the first step, 

all else is a blur, 

but I want to say 

that the journey is on--

I am going to allow myself 

to be more than my confusion and regrets, 

my wonders and retraces. 

110916

Early morning sun rises

To shine through 

The lids of the windows---

To coax a sleepy being

Out to stretch its limbs---

As it wonders about

The framework for its design

And as it marvels at

The timeline it is walking in---

Calling to mind 

What it has dreamed of

And what it has not meant--

Things beyond its length

Those which slip 

It towards to,

And off its ground.