Middle Fourteen Playlist

Middle Fourteen Playlist

1. Thrive - Switchfoot
2. Come Here - Marble Sounds
3. Love & Loss - The Honey Trees
4. Yet - Switchfoot
5. Nothing Like Your Love - Hillsong United
6. Will You Be There - Skillet
7. Concrete Girl - Switchfoot
8. Uncertainty - The Fray
9. The Fear You Won't Fall - Joshua Radin
10. Come Right Out And Say It - Relient K
11. Backwards - Christina Perri
12. Let Her Go - Passenger

Repost: Typewriter Series #884

"When you think, if for a moment, that you're loving enough, you aren't."

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8 30 14

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Running
Running out of breath
The skies are dim
There's a little fall of rain

Walking
Walking out of the pain
The breeze is cool
There's a little fall of tears

Remembering
Remembering what have been
The memories are clear
There's someone falling

Paced up
Ran again

There are other runners
All are trying

The gray clouds above
The wet grounds below

There are people
All are striving

We're all trying to leave
We're all trying to live

Days go on
Ways move on

It's just another morning
Yes, just another

Secrets

Under the midnight skies 

With the stars twirling around

You were walking

And you were with me

The words hardly suffice

For the beauty we've found 

You were talking

And it was with glee

You were lovely and perfect

And I knew I love you

I won't say anything

Because I am afraid

The fog and air was thick

And my fear turns me blue

I won't speak about falling

I'll keep you shaded

Thoughts

What thoughts should I think of?

What thoughts should I have?

I have this deep desire to scribble

But what thoughts do I have?

But what thoughts do I think of?

A Prayer to Fall

Love just doesn't lose... never loses its worth.

It's been a while now that I've started to pray that I'd just love, love with the purity of the heart, with the desire to know someone deeply and to understand imperfections. I started to pray this partly because of my fears. There are times when I'm afraid to fall. I'm afraid to not be loved in return and be hurt. But the adventurous person in me says otherwise. To love is a great adventure. Being hurt is part of that adventure. The uncertainty is a part of the adventure. Every single part of it is an adventure.

Now, there are times when I envy those who are wounded and hurt because they loved. I want to know what that's like. I know that if I experienced that brokenness, I'd have a glimpse of the character of the true Love. I'd have a small view on how He felt when He loved purely and has been rejected consecutively by every single person He loved. And that idea comforts me from my fears. I start to understand that Someone understands how I feel and well, He promised to be by me through my brokenness.

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Okay so...

Recently, there are things that made me wonder about how I'll deal with it when I started falling in love, er, romantically. It's crazy, I know! I'm afraid, yes. Really. But the thing is I started to think how I'll act on it. How should I feel? What should I do? Should I express myself freely?

Honestly, I've been thinking these thoughts prayerfully, then it was as if thoughts flooded me. I wrote these thoughts on my post prior to this one: When I love You. I was a bit surprised with this one, though. I know that I already knew these thoughts even from before. But these thoughts I knew haven't been really deeply engraved in me before.

I reread my post after I wrote it. There's something really weird in it. I read it again, and I started feeling a tightening in my chest. That whole thing... it's a message to me! I started to feel like crying. This is the thing about love. And it was like the greatest Lover was telling me these things. And it was as if He was telling me, "This is how I love you and this is how you should love."

It's really awesome that God speaks through my thoughts. And I experience His presence always, that He answers even the smallest questions I have in mind. The thing about love and the right ways to love was shown unto us with Jesus's demonstration:

Love selflessly. Love patiently. Love purely. Love boldly. Just love.

When I love you

When I love you, I'll share with you every beautiful thing in my life
I'll let you know what makes me happy
And what makes my heart flutter
I'd want you to be a part of it

When I love you, I'd want to wish you a great day
I'd want you to enjoy your mornings
And I'd pray that you'd be glad when the night comes

When I love you I know I'd be hurt,
I know that loving doesn't come easy
But I'll deal with the pain
I'll let it linger
As long as it may take
Because that's reminding myself that it is love

When I love you, I'll understand your imperfections

I'll see through how messed up you are
And understand how broken you are
Through it all, I'll stay

When I love you and you have disappointed me,
I won't let you feel like you're losing me
I'll let you know that I understand
And that I can put up with you

When I love you and everything seems wrong,
I'll understand
That some things go the other way

When I love you and you don't love me,
I can love you still
Because this is how I understand love,
It never waits for anything in return
Love just loves

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The Thinking Therapy

Distractions. They say you need to be distracted from whatever it is that keeps you sad. Distractions like hanging out with friends, watching movies, reading, etc. I'd say I want to be distracted. I want my thoughts be kept away from whatever it is that's lingering and piercing in my heart. But that makes me feel even sadder.

Apparently, I'm sad. For some reasons, I'm sad. I am still functional though. I can carry on the whole day, I can still do my chores, I can still do some things that I wanna do. Yea, just some. But the sadness is whispering to me, calling my attention. It just wants to be attended to.

I try to read, watch stuff, but I can't. I find it hard to divert my attention to other matters. I find it hard to add information into my head. The emotion is demanding. The only things I can do are the things that don't require much thinking (eg hanging around in Pinterest, doing crafts, cleaning, organizing), those activities that keep me moving. I need to do something so I wouldn't be stuck thinking.

I wanna talk about the pain that is in my chest, but I know no one would understand me. People who'd come to me with the same hurt that I have right now would look really pathetic to me. I think I'm just sinking in a shallow body of water, and I can find my way out anytime, but I just can't. That makes me look stupid. I probably just don't know how to deal with this kind of pain. And that adds to my sadness. Obviously, a lot of things pile up to my sadness and boom, this makes my heart wanna explode.

So, distractions won't work, talking doesn't seem fit, I am left to one thing: thinking. I am thinking about the pain. I am thinking about it the time I'm writing this. I feel it pierce my heart with very little needles. I am just so hurt and I'm thinking about how much it hurts.

They say as much as possible don't think about it! Just let it go or avoid allowing yourself from thinking. But I can't. I find the avoidance hard, I'm being called by the pain. It impedes my life from moving forward. I need to do something about it! And that something I thought is to think of it. Think of it until I grew tired of the pain, and all I can do is let it go (but hey, I've been letting it go, it just won't go away).

Thinking helps me face the pain. It helps me face the sadness that's eating me. It helps me talk to what's hurting me, like, "Hey, what do you want? What would keep you away?". And I can talk to my heart and say, "What's wrong with you, fragile one? Why are you being so stupid again?". And as I get more delved into thinking, I get to understand all the lines connected to the pain. It makes my head clearer. It makes it easier to accept what hurts me. It makes the pain-giver look nothing.

I'm giving myself this therapy right now, well, together with the distractions and some small talking. But, of course, I've to do it only when I'm in bed, if I do it the whole day then I need some kind of other major therapies. Thinking therapy is a lot like the concept of flooding in Psychology. I'm exposing myself to the cause of "unwellness".

Despite the time I've spent thinking, I'm still sad though. I'm hoping I'll recover from this blow. Well, that's life. It's painful and confusing for the most part of it. But I think I'll get better. I hope I'll get better.