Resolutions, of course

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Alright. I've got more of Mindset Resolutions for the coming year. I've always had those which are more concrete (and golly, is it hard to get any of them accomplished) and more detailed. But this time, I realized I want to start with the mindset. I cannot ever manipulate myself to do things which are not according to my principles, beliefs, and heartbeats (yeah).


1. The value of a yes by saying "No."

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Okay. I'm not a Yes-man or whatever. I don't say yes to things just because I feel bad turning requests down. I do it because it REALLY is totally fine with me. I get hyped up when I feel like I'm being productive, I don't feel bad about myself. Not because I wanna show off that I can do it, but because I just wanna do it. I feel like I am not messing with my schedule or something. Saying yes to stuff mean that I really wanna do it. But recently, through the heartbreaks along these Yes's, I've been seeing that I CANNOT do everything. Try as I might, I am up to a certain threshold alone, and beyond that is the breaking point.

If I learn how to say "No.", I would be able to get exposed to more opportunities and more chances for other things.


2. Do not supervise people, launch them.

This has made a great impact in my thinking and strategizing. I just heard of this two days ago, and I decided that I will include it in one of the things I wanna develop in myself. Being in a role of coaching and helping youth to become leaders put me in difficult "circumstances" and "challenges" of handling people. This one came from one of our global leaders in our company. I must say this will come in very handy.

3. If you have a vision, discipline yourself...

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...because you'd want to take care of everything within and around you to help you see your vision happen. This is the newest idea to my list. I was talking to my aunt this morning and she asked me about my vision  and then my gift. I said that my perceived gift is contrary to my character at times, I tend to fail to control myself from doing things that might exploit the beauty of my gift, and then she told me that. Which TOTALLY MAKES SENSE.

 I have heard of different advice on being disciplined, but no one has ever phrased it the way that made me so compelled I want to change abruptly. And this simple line with simple words totally nailed it. It made me scared and guilty thinking that I've been wasting resources relative to myself that make the paths to my visions and dreams blurry and crazy. So, here is a good meal for the soul.


This is the first time I wrote a resolutions list which contains only mindset on stuff. And I think it's good. We have to start with our thinking, we have to start with our hearts. We might try our hardest to reach our goals in life, try to improve ourselves, but unless we start with the core of it all, we might never be able to establish ourselves in the changes we want to see ourselves in.

For the Moment

New Year is at hand. Another year is gonna be wrapping up, and a new one is up and coming. My visualization of it is that 2015's like a big sheet of whatever, wool or something, and it's slowly rolling itself to be stashed to Past. And that 2016 is, I don't know, what I can imagine is yellow lights blinking, maybe the imagery of a blur.

Sometimes it surprises me that things can be so quick. It is fascinating to realize that things... just end. And new ones happen, inevitably. Like you have no choice but to keep on moving forward. If you keep yourself still and momentary, you'll be left behind. It's just that weird realization that time is never yours, it runs. It is a slave of nobody. And though it won't glance back at you if you do it all insanely or irresponsibly, it doesn't even care if you do things right on the dot.

And relative to that is the conclusion that life just happens. With or without your cooperation. Whether you're immobile or you're always on the go. It's your choice to make the most out of it, while at the same time, not trying to get ahead of it (because you never can, no one can).

Time. Life. How absurd do lovely things become apart from proper stewardship, don't they?

What I Wanted To Say

I wanna talk. And say things. But it feels like all these thoughts are entangled in my head. I resolved to just write them, but it's crazy, because it feels like I need to come up with an outline just to produce something which makes sense. There's just too much in so little.

Would you mind if you just stay here for a whi

I like remembering your smile--that which annoys me hundred times...

I don't wanna talk about this...

But it annoys me that nothing seems therapeutic enough to let me get over these thoughts with--

I'm having this internal battle. I think I'm headed to being crazy. Oh, I think. I already am there.

I cannot measure the days as to something which is equivalent to the capacity to move forward. For as I have proven, and despite that I tried to forget all about it, to feel different, despite that this disgusts me on a VERY HIGH level, I still find myself lingering over things about---

Your very presence--that which I look for--annoys me. So deeply. Am I a fool?

And I feel like I have been linking myself with the things I should have been avoiding. Darn the holes.

I've been trying to come up with a riddle-ish set of words, but this time, I just wanna be straightforward and be honest about matters.

I feel like I've l---d and lost, and I'm still losing. Without even giving. Please.

I just have to breathe in deeply most times and try to exhale it all out. But it's so crazy because hardest might I try, it remains.

I miss you. And I couldn't miss you better than when you're in front of me, yet you still are so distant. 

Again, I wanna quit on talking about this.

But I feel like I have to.

I might just have to stop here.


PS, Skate Penny going hopelessly (shamelessly) hopeless over something called---

I don't know

I don't know how to speak. And maybe, I don't know what it is that I need to speak of. I am forewarned about life, but most times, I still get surprised by the strength of its force. I am confused most times on what is acceptable and on how to accept things as they are. I am barely capable to hold it all in, neither am I capable to move against such things.

That's why I like poetry. Poems speak without having to speak. And I like that. There's a strong desire for me to let it all out. But there's this strong sense to just keep it all in. The only balance between the desire and the sense is poetry. And I saw how it has been a wonderful tool, until I have to speak. And to really speak in this matter. 

I know that even my speech right now is in a form of a riddle or a puzzle, if anyone may try to solve it. It may be a piece of blabber to everyone else who don't care. But maybe sometimes I have to speak up and speak out. 

And say: I am hurt. 

That's what I cannot say. The state I've always hidden behind a string of words, paired analogies, and stuff same. Somehow, it is much more difficult to say these three words than to write a hundred-word piece going round in circles only to get to that point. Because I can't. I started off by saying I don't know how and I don't know what is to speak of, but I have come to the conclusion that: I am hurt. 

I thought I prefer honesty over kindness. It annoys me to think that people think I'm incapable of handling the truth so they just try to wrap it up prettily. I can hardly handle kindness, I thought. But then, I realized that neither could I handle honesty. Because it hurts. And when a hurtful truth has just been presented, I try to find a hole in it. To refute it. To say that maybe it is not as it has been said it is. But what can I do? The endpoint should always be acceptance. 

And it's difficult. 

When you're hurt. 

And I don't know. 

I just don't know what to speak of anymore. 

A Short Passing of A Moment

In a haze, it was tried to unveil the lids of two drooping shells
To try to spill ink to a sheet of a welcoming leaf
What is there is a bunch of narrations coupled with desires
To pluck the anguish solidified and hiding from the core
Just to deliver a moment out in the open
That which happens but is without a witness
The one which stays but cannot be used for guidance
It has been tried to be left to be with the footsteps
But has come along with the length of the trail ahead
And when another set of confusions is up and coming
The shells are now ready to rest and doze deep into the night

Hafa Adai!

One way to celebrate existence is to acknowledge the beauty of the world around it. And one way to acknowledge the beauty of this world is go and see it. And I am one who has been blessed with much privilege to see the beauty of some parts of this planet. And to be able to do this with a cause is the heart of this privilege.

Our latest trip for a missions project last October is in the beautiful island of Guam--a place which is three hours away from home (by plane), but feels a lot like home.

It is indeed very beautiful. And the people are so beautiful. There's too much beauty in this existence, ain't it?

There are too many photos as we've spent two weeks in it. And I've already filtered this, but I just wanna share (to possible pedestrians who will pass by my page) how beautiful it has been.

The locals were very welcoming, and we had lots of tour during our free time. Looking at our schedule, it has been a busy two weeks for us as we were there to do the cause of the visit, plus, we also obliged (much to our joy) to invitations from the lovely people there.

Let me give you a look around the island...

RANDOM TOUR

Given that it's a US territory, you can find bits of the States in it. Like this replica of that very famous statue.

And this is the bay by that replica. Isn't Guam so blue?

  

These are my teammates having a team devotion time near the statue, by the bay.

Another statue. This one's found in the Two Lover's Point Park. And i guess they resemble two lovers.

The legend in a tablet. Which from this shot is quite difficult to comprehend.

So we have another wall of hearts someplace in the planet. Still at Two Lover's

Lovely view from Two Lover's Peak

The waters below.

And the endless blue... haaaaay this one's the real deal. I have already started imagining a room to build with a very close view of this one. A plan trapped in the imagination

Asan Park bay

Cannot remember. Ugh

Western trees in the tropics.

Road

Random wild greens photo

Traveling peg.

Yo name hurts.

 

Chamorro night dancing. At the Chamorro Village This lovely happens every Wednesday night. Like a nightout x market thing.

Samoan Fire Dance at the Chamorro Night

What is Guam without the latte stones. This one's a distant view from the latte stones. These latte stones date back to the time before anything has been written in record in Guam, so it's real purpose isn't proven. But the locals were most comfortable believing it used to be where houses were founded way back then.

Beautiful view! I can't remember from where though ugh

TALO'FO'FO CAVES

View from somewhere up there on the hill of the caves

Mandatory shoe photo

Ancient writing on one of the caves. This one's pretty cool. I think it resembles a fish bone.

Streak of sunshine from deep within.

This girl is so cute!

 YPAO BEACH

An On-the-road-peg.

Just Why Exactly Do You Guys Do That

W H Y

I have these buckets of whys in me, but I cannot seem to ever get to the core of it. Just why do these people do what they do... they just think that the heart is an easy organ to play with, and that the only damage you can do to it is physical ...but


I don't know, I honestly wanna write a poem right now or something, but all I have is confusion in my head, and I feel like there are a lot of words, and I can scatter them all over the space at the top of my head, but I just cannot ever arrange them into something that'll make sense. All I have in my head is...

asfghjkl
qwertyuiop
zxcvbnm
lkjhgfdsa
poiuytrewq
mnbvcxz

^ and in my heart, I know exactly what that jungle means, but I cannot have it expressepd into words--written or verbal. It's just that... W H Y

My main idea right now is revolving around the question, "Why is it so easy for people to play with each others' hearts?" or something like, "Why is it so easy and normal for people to endanger someone else's heart???" or something like these questions here

IDK I am just ranting, and this is gonna be a nonsensical post. But I need an outlet because I think people are already tired of hearing me say these things and ugh this is  just so difficult to be expressed, and I don't know if I'll ever get down to it.

Just w h y y y y

Ugh

What to say

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  Clouds have covered that which is beating
  And all that is seen are those which are fleeting
  Remember the queries that you spent solving
  All burst into a big gray space called nothing

  Spend, will you, time for meaningless
  And all you have in the end is a hill of no sense
  The roads are ran and are misty and dense
  Winds confirmed to that which is other than best

  The cares and thoughts slowly disappear
  Leaving a once dreamer stopping to wonder
  If hope is fatal and life is a response to a dare
  You will find yourself in a hanging somewhere

  If you move apart from where you stay
  And let all in your head be and go away
  Cast it before to where it must truly lay
  Maybe now and ahead will be bright as day

Well, happy birthday

I created this "baby" art on the eve of my birthday.

Yeah, I'm a girl who makes a fuss about my natal day. I mean, if not others, I want to make it special for me. I do it because I acknowledge the fact that it is a blessing to have gone through a year of storms and difficulties. And it's such a wonder to have left another trail of footsteps!

So, I am going to give myself an awesome birthday greeting. And just like any other birthday messages, I guess this will be awkwarrrd.

Skate Penny, 

Happy 21st to you. So you're young enough to wander the planet and old enough to put up with storms! Yep, this can be a year-round mantra for a life of adventures and detours. 

Every creation of the Lord has been perfectly created and designed. And so were you. You have been created with love in God's heart, and so you must be a woman created with great plans in His thoughts. Isn't it a wonderful thing to bask upon? Remember you are loved and that you don't need to seek for men's approval for you to know you are worthy. You don't need to place yourself in another's cradle just to realize that you're worthy. You have been created wonderfully and beautifully. You have nothing to feel insecure, sad, or depressed of. 

Good things have been planned for your future. All these things in the present are steps to get you somewhere unspoken of, but is very beautiful. You are being prepared for really great things. And so you be ready for it. 

The world is gonna hurt you one way or another. There might come a point in your life when the world is gonna hate you. But as long as you are fighting for and with love, as long as you are living for and with love, then there's no one who could tell you you're doing it wrong. Be filled with the Lord's Spirit in struggling with life, for then, you'll know what to do and how to battle life's great forces.

You are beautiful. Remember that. You don't need to be skinny, tall, prim. You don't have to wear fancy clothes, and to preserve yourself from speaking what you deem needs be said. You don't have to be too well-mannered that it prevents you from creating natural relationships. You just have to be yourself! You are wonderful. And really beautiful. 

You see things beyond their surface. You have judgment which may be judged as weird, but not without basis. You may not always see things from a bright perspective, but you see them as they are, and that's okay. You don't have to be sorry for how you naturally feel and think (because you do feel sorry most of the time).

You're bound to impact and influence more people's lives! Ain't it fun? These little pieces you touch will soon impact in changing the world, and you be excited for that! 

Enjoy your day, lady. You were created for greater things. Praise Him whose hands made you as you are.

Love, You.

Dapitan

(Late Post)

I'm sort of posting all at once since I haven't done so the time just after the trips happened.

Last August, we went somewhere down the country. What I loved about the place is that everything's cheap, the people are so accommodating and kind, it isn't polluted, the people are disciplined (eg. they don't smoke, they don't litter in the streets, etc), and it's a really very beautiful place!

Here are a few snaps from Dapitan, Zamboanga del Norte:

Traveled with this girl. That mini structure behind (at the left of) her is the mini airport of Dipolog. Really cool!

Yes, rides have days off. Cool, right?

*craves* MARAAAANG. This is among what I miss the most. You can buy this there for very low prices. It's just difficult to transport this one because it's a very delicate fruit. I am so thankful I have lotsa free of this everyday I was there!

Flower power. Really very lovely sight in front of a local church there.

Halo-halove you! (They have really yummy halohalo's there!)

That's the way

Where to go

Locals in the afternoon

Monument of Dr. Rizal by the Dapitan beach. This is actually a very historical place bec this is where Dr. J. Rizal (Pinoy national hero) landed when he was exiled.

Looking for dinner (Yep! I asked him what he was doing)

Restless feet

Calm waters! Layers of waves. I am in love. (Writing this makes me drool for adventures!)

Portrait of a lone wanderer.

*cries* Make me lie here once more

Felt this under my feet while I was dipping my feet. The sun was setting at this time. So much love! Really.

Dapitan beach at its finest. It was surrounded by trees and mini mountains. I am just craving for it once more.

Kid enjoying her freedom. Just because... she should!

I am just so amazed at the vastness of wonders that one is bound and yet to discover. There is just one big planet to explore yet, and I am so happy and feeling free to be starting these adventures at this age.