I'm still trying to wheel myself forward and away from "it". I don't understand what's got me stuck. With friends around and with all these stuff in my plate, I really should have had a nice groove out of "it" already, but well, I'm still here and the rage in me is um, stronger than before. I don't really like feeling this way. My friends may be getting tired of me being and acting this way. They want me to not be like this because "it" was all crap in the first place.
But I started to hate opening my eyes and waking up to these weird feelings in my chest, especially whenever I wake up from my afternoon naps. Just every time, I feel an emptiness that I am trying to solve. And I always trace back the solitude to "it". "It" and everything about "it".
The youth of my heart and the lack of its knowledge on "it" may be the reason why I could hardly strut out of my emotions. I am trying to understand if ever there's anyone to blame for all these. But no, I don't know. Should I blame myself for being so vulnerable to "it"? Should I blame my foolishness (which I shall never label innocence) or does this happen a million times a day to different girls/ladies/women under the sun? Should I blame... because... was just trying to pave... way out of the loneliness... is trapped into? Was it really just mere loneliness or was it mixed with full knowledge on all of it, with a destructive plan for deception?
I don't find any conscious effort to forget effective so my main technique these days is quite aversive. I may be exposing myself to all these stimuli that tap memory perceptors that open and retrieve recorded files, and the recorded emotions with them. I do these to flood myself until the feelings got satiated and until I get used to the worst reminders and until I feel nothing for them anymore. I don't know if what I'm doing is effective, because this may be called "torture" in other languages. This doesn't make me wanna move forward in reality, it makes me want to go back to "it" and just revise whatever's conspired but no, no, no. Please, not just yet. Ughh I really don't know what to do anymooooore.
Anyway, I know that this happened bajillion times in this planet already. One crying heart because of "it" is not news and not fatal. We all know that these cases always end up in either two roads only: the "moved-on" road or the "forever-stuck-because-I'm-a-crazy-fool-I-don't-wanna-go-anywhere-else-but-here" road. I have a very interesting and fun life to end up in the second road, of course. I am quite sure, though I have no vision for the future, that I'd end up in the first one. But it's quite bloody getting there. It's not easy. Golly, why was I born being so sentimental and vulnerable! This becomes a problem when "it" is already in the third stage of the tie, but I was only in the a-fourth stage of it all! Sauced barbecue! I am crazy.
Okay. Thanks. Bye.
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