I Have Faith - A Simple Poem of Trust

I have faith,

Futile as it may seem

That one fine day, 

I'd get to walk my dream

I have faith, 

Dark as it is now

That He is never late

And things will light up somehow

I have faith, 

No matter where the road leads

That this one long wait

Will show me His good deeds

When I glance upon my heart, 

I see my weakness

And how I am broken apart

To see His greatness

When I glance into my soul,

I peer at my incapacity

Yet, I am impossibly whole

Authored by His great love for me 

When I perceive His demonstration,

And how I look up to such beauty

And all the love to me He's ably shown

I know, as He said, things shall wonderfully be

Who Would Listen?

Surfaces get rough and things go crazy. The things we hold in our hands--as if in an attempt to surprise us--all of a sudden, explode into chaos and disruption. And we're left with the deafening shatters that pierce through the nerves. We just end up not knowing what to do. We feel alone, we feel abandoned, we feel betrayed. Our hearts beat in a raging act. The only dream we have left  is to just scream it all out and loud. To say that we're so over with life.

In our attempt to make a noise...

...who would listen?

Who would be our witness? Who would be there?

As I contend in this walk of life, I realized how diverse people around could be. Some people would try to solve us as if we're puzzles with lost pieces--something we're not. Because we're unsolvable creatures and most times we don't need solutions, we need outlets. While the others, in their self-seeking, wouldn't really turn their ears towards anybody else. Most times, people themselves are even the cause why we feel the way we do. People shove us off. We shove off people. Others make us feel worse than we already are. And the news is, we do this to others, too. Our care is limited to what satisfies us to a certain selfish extent. 

I realized that the search for the answer to my queries is fatal and may be in vain. 

You say, what a negative viewpoint to place humanity in. But I'll say, this is humanity bared and revealed.

We were created in a very special way, something our own selfishness destroyed. We were supposedly for love and loving, but we, oftentimes, emphasize the sorrow of our neighbors. We pound broken hearts causing them to be in smaller pieces. We do this because we oversee the oceans other people are warring with, because we think we're the only ones hurting,  because we think that we're doing so well battling by ourselves that other people should do the same. Our own hearts are so and too loud, we can't hear others' despair. We can't care for others' brokenness.

This is a sad truth but this may not define the whole of humanity. And I may actually be wrong. 

I'd be sincerely glad to be mistaken after all... for our call is to love and our gift is to be loved. If for one moment, we would stop and turn to see around us. To really see. To unveil our self-righteous or our self-focused eyes, to take in the sight of others. Maybe we would understand. Maybe the chaos in our core would be quieted. Maybe compassion could melt our melancholy. Just... scientifically, I don't know, but just maybe. Maybe the love that's been sleeping in us would mean something and would do something. 

You're asking, "Who would listen to me?"

You hear someone else asking, "Who would listen to me?"

Who would?

Im...perfect

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I am interesting. I know that. I don't even have to pretend to be that person because I have been born that way. I don't pride myself with that adjective because I am worth-knowing, but because I tend to be deviated from the norm--and it's not even in an I-don't-wanna-conform way. I am interesting because my brain's probably tangled in a different kind of technique. I talk a lot, and I keep things a lot. I want people, and people scare me. I love poetry, and I don't appreciate other people's dramas. I am always happy, while I'm usually bored... I'm always in the middle, really. And everybody has to agree with me, that being in the middle is not a very good thing.

I am spontaneous. Adventurous, you may say. Not because I don't care about what can and will happen to me (because I care a lot about these things), but because I want to see more of the world, I want to be more enchanted by the beauty of this world and this life's experiences. But my actions that show me to be carefree can get me killed. Is it good to just jump into experiences, and just die at the brink of it?

I am an escapist. I can hardly deal with things that I don't want. I live in the belief that I should live my life to the fullest. And is it good that way? To just keep on running from things that I don't wanna deal with. It's true that I choose my battles, but is it good to quit battles I've already started fighting in?

People may say that I am very much satisfied with myself, and I say that the least person I ever want in this world is me. I am crazy, not interesting. I am impulsive, not spontaneous. I am a coward, not just an escapist. How can someone reach their full contentment in who they are? I am flooded with insecurities. Being hurt by the people I've trusted and loved makes me feel like my love can never be reciprocated. It's effect on me is not the thinking that I can't love again, but the thinking that I can love but it's really okay if they can't loved me back because I know it's quite difficult to appreciate someone like me.

The thing with me is that I really don't like myself most of the times. Why? Many reasons. Sometimes it's because of the way I look, most of the times it's me and my big mouth, then it'll be because of the way I think and react, plus my impulsiveness, and then this thin skin for when emotions attack. I mean, sometimes... oftentimes, I get tired of myself.

I look like someone who's unafraid and who's always ready to conquer. I'm restless, but maybe because there's something within me that I don't want to prevail. I try to realize what is in life for me. And I travel the world looking for a purpose. And that's it?

No. My insecurities are just a part of me. They happen but they're not me. They exist, because somewhere within anyone's core, insecurities live. Having them is not a disease, because we are all in fear one way or another. It is how we deal with them that matters.

Just a story. One of the things about me is that when I am in front of a guy I like, I pose the ugliest me: I eat a lot, and I swallow the too-spoonfuls of food, I laugh loudly, I speak my mind out (even if it turns out to be really sarcastic), etc. It is not because I am shielding myself from being loved or appreciated. It is because I am afraid to get hurt--by making a guy fall for the wrong me, and then being left because I was a mistake after all. This is what my insecurities do to me, they make me honest. They make me brave. Because realizing them and not being afraid of what they can do to me and not being afraid to show them, well... they help me find the real me.

People say that the first person who can accept us is us. I've been working on that from day one, but finding out that people can actually love me even if I show them my ugliest, it helps me realize my real identity. I am someone loved. I am someone special. I am worthy. It is because Someone really loved me that much, and I am worth too much for anything to even doubt my own importance. It makes me realize what love is really about, but that's another story (maybe for another post). They say that we should never find our self-worth from others, but having other people love me despite the roughest sides of me exposed, makes me feel that there should never be space for self-hate. It somehow helps. Really.

We are expected of many things, but what other people don't know is that most of the times, during our battles, we are afraid. It's not because we're weak, but because this reality is universal. My life is a series of disappointments, guilt, and failures. I'm not cool enough not to regret anything in my life. Because I always end up scolding myself for my stupidity. I'm on the road to forgiving myself from what I lack though. I know that it's being honest to say that I am weak, but it's another thing to fully realize that I am worthy. I am deserving of appreciation. And I am free to live this life--dealing with a series of mistakes and regrets and falling and of rising and forgiving and loving.

Spell Beautiful

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We are all broken,
That's how the light gets in.
-Ernest Hemingway

Sometimes I get confused with preferences and standards. The concepts of the un-beautiful and the overlooked. Are we always boxed within predetermined concepts that we end up adjusting to meet those standards, failing to find out what's true, pure and sincere? Wouldn't it be a lot more empowering to understand and perceive surfaces with the context underlying and surrounding them?

What is the meaning of "beautiful"? Is it an appearance or is it an expression? An appearance that is changeable and variable with time and events? Or an expression of something that is within, of something more powerful and more genuine, of pains, joys, curiosities, and passions?

You are beautiful. I'm not saying this because this line has been available and rehearsed by most people to appreciate people. There is a certain depth to these words that only those who choose to look will understand. Everyone has beauty. And every one of us should appreciate each other's beauty. But let me add another idea here. 

We are all beautiful but this beauty we possess can only be visible if we choose to show it. Never think that the definition of beautiful is the standard set by people whose eyes see only the shallowest. The beauty in you is the reality that is within you. It may be absurd, it may be unacceptable, it may be imperfect... according to the predetermined standards. What makes you real is what makes you human, and that itself makes you beautiful. 

We have fears. We are afraid that the reality in us may limit us from being accepted or loved, but true acceptance and true love sees through imperfections and weaknesses. True love appreciates real beauty. When we tamper this authentic beauty with pretensions and with efforts to climb up the society's standards, that's when we choose to hide the beautiful in us. But if we remain true and pure, then, there would we find those who will love us with sincerity. We should allow people to love the real beauty in us. 

You think you're unusual? There's so much beauty in what's different. There's so much beauty in the real expression of the spirit within everyone's flesh. Don't get bothered that you're deviated from the norms, as long as it's real and true, it is ethereal and worthy of love and appreciation.  

These words are not new. They've been paraphrased, translated, rephrased, spoken, written, believed, rejected, passed on from nations to nations, among peoples, throughout time. But its timelessness proves its strength. All of us should be reminded of these things everytime, so we might not falter to look for the wrong kind of love through the wrong ways of beautifying ourselves.

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A reminder to self

PS, this certain post's font style is annoyingly different from the whole blog's font style. Tried to do something about it, but it ain't changing ugh. Just saying.

Written

Your words ink

Memories into my heart

Printing permanency

To promises

That will

Never be forgotten

Carrying on

To all

The tomorrows

I'll have

Remembering

And Falling

For you

Repost: Typewriter Series #884

"When you think, if for a moment, that you're loving enough, you aren't."

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A Prayer to Fall

Love just doesn't lose... never loses its worth.

It's been a while now that I've started to pray that I'd just love, love with the purity of the heart, with the desire to know someone deeply and to understand imperfections. I started to pray this partly because of my fears. There are times when I'm afraid to fall. I'm afraid to not be loved in return and be hurt. But the adventurous person in me says otherwise. To love is a great adventure. Being hurt is part of that adventure. The uncertainty is a part of the adventure. Every single part of it is an adventure.

Now, there are times when I envy those who are wounded and hurt because they loved. I want to know what that's like. I know that if I experienced that brokenness, I'd have a glimpse of the character of the true Love. I'd have a small view on how He felt when He loved purely and has been rejected consecutively by every single person He loved. And that idea comforts me from my fears. I start to understand that Someone understands how I feel and well, He promised to be by me through my brokenness.

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Okay so...

Recently, there are things that made me wonder about how I'll deal with it when I started falling in love, er, romantically. It's crazy, I know! I'm afraid, yes. Really. But the thing is I started to think how I'll act on it. How should I feel? What should I do? Should I express myself freely?

Honestly, I've been thinking these thoughts prayerfully, then it was as if thoughts flooded me. I wrote these thoughts on my post prior to this one: When I love You. I was a bit surprised with this one, though. I know that I already knew these thoughts even from before. But these thoughts I knew haven't been really deeply engraved in me before.

I reread my post after I wrote it. There's something really weird in it. I read it again, and I started feeling a tightening in my chest. That whole thing... it's a message to me! I started to feel like crying. This is the thing about love. And it was like the greatest Lover was telling me these things. And it was as if He was telling me, "This is how I love you and this is how you should love."

It's really awesome that God speaks through my thoughts. And I experience His presence always, that He answers even the smallest questions I have in mind. The thing about love and the right ways to love was shown unto us with Jesus's demonstration:

Love selflessly. Love patiently. Love purely. Love boldly. Just love.

When I love you

When I love you, I'll share with you every beautiful thing in my life
I'll let you know what makes me happy
And what makes my heart flutter
I'd want you to be a part of it

When I love you, I'd want to wish you a great day
I'd want you to enjoy your mornings
And I'd pray that you'd be glad when the night comes

When I love you I know I'd be hurt,
I know that loving doesn't come easy
But I'll deal with the pain
I'll let it linger
As long as it may take
Because that's reminding myself that it is love

When I love you, I'll understand your imperfections

I'll see through how messed up you are
And understand how broken you are
Through it all, I'll stay

When I love you and you have disappointed me,
I won't let you feel like you're losing me
I'll let you know that I understand
And that I can put up with you

When I love you and everything seems wrong,
I'll understand
That some things go the other way

When I love you and you don't love me,
I can love you still
Because this is how I understand love,
It never waits for anything in return
Love just loves

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Season to be jolly!

This year, we spent the Christmas at home in Manila, and it was awesome, even if we spent it alone, with no other relatives around.

I so loved our Christmas menu, and I served myself well with these Christmas treats! :)

Some photos of how our little family spent the first half of the holidays:

Preppin' the feast

Ref cake ingredients

Frying the chicken

Beef um teriyaki (?) w/ broccoli 

Mom's finishing touches

Yuuuum

Ginataang hipon yum

Ref cake with grapes & pinya chunks as toppings! (waha I made it! It was awesome)

Carbonara. I was also the one who cooked the sauce for this. (Haha proud)

Merry Christmas oh yeah!

Hehe <3

My YOUNGER sister who's more dalaga than I am. I wonder why I always get behind when it comes to this phase.

Merry me! 

My mom who has a more pandalaga body than mine

Kuya and his... well, I don't know what that jump was for.

Gale's feeling celeb poses and smiles

Family pictures!

  

    

Hoping everyone spent their Christmases well, too! Falala. See you again in 364 days, Christmas.

Celebrating Love

It's almost Christmas and, probably, we all are preparing for it the usual way: foods, gifts, parties, etc. And, as usual, someone's gonna tell us that the real essence of this all is the birth of Jesus. Yes, it is.

Anyway, I just wanna share something I've learned a few days ago from the book of Isaiah, chapter 7.

Background:
1. Israel, God's people, is again in her sinful ways. People disobey God. They go on with their own rebellious businesses. Tribes against tribes. Etc.
2. God was angry.
3. God promised redemption.
4. The promise is Jesus.

Why? I always wanna ask God why? Why does He love us so much that He has to be the one to send us the answer for us to be forgiven? The logic in our world, is when someone hurt us, it is so hard to forgive, we neglect them or something along the lines. But God! God proves His true nature: LOVE. And this Love, I know this Love is more than anything could measure. Many will bother to explain, but this great Love, I know, that we'll never really get to the depths of it.

When we make mistakes against another, we try to make ways for our relationship with that someone be repaired. In our case with God, He made the way-- He provided the way. And it is Jesus! (John 14:6 Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through me.)

We are inspired to live a life full of love because we have been redeemed by love. We are compelled to live a life of challenges because someone who loves us so much died for us, so that we can be saved. He came not just for some, but for everyone: the whole world (John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life). And we ought to make this love known.

Every year, just when Christmas is about to come, I hear people say that their Christmases will be cold because they're without "someone", but, Someone has always been there. And He is the reason for this all. We don't have to bring our dates to His birthday party because He will be our date! :) And Jesus has better hands and arms to hold us.

And this is the main idea of this whole season. This sweet idea!

Happy holidays! And remember to celebrate Love moment by moment!

DM

Nothing's sweeter than being able to get back to the Lord after sinning. It's a whole thing like, "Oh, Lord, I have sinned! I am unforgivable..." and then, you ask Him what you want Him to let you know, and He just answers in His own little big ways, saying, "My child, there's nothing more precious than you are and I forgive you." and you'll just cry your heart out, because it is not the first time this happened, and God forgave you again, because you know it is very hard to forgive someone who continually does you wrong but this big guy greater than all your worldly idols and royalties is more than willing to forgive you and to love you never-endingly, because you feel so loved more than ever, and because of a lot other things, and you wish you could stay like that forever.

This is just some sweet direct message that God told me very early this morning, and whoever happens to hit this page may hear God talking to them through this.

This is an excerpt from the book of Job, wherein Job was really struggling so hard, but one of his friends reminded him this.

Job 11:13-20

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹³ “If you would prepare your heart,
And stretch out your hands toward Him;
¹⁴ If iniquity were in your hand, and you put it far away,
And would not let wickedness dwell in your tents;
¹⁵ Then surely you could lift up your face without spot;
Yes, you could be steadfast, and not fear;
¹⁶ Because you would forget your misery,
And remember it as waters that have passed away,
¹⁷ And your life would be brighter than noonday.
Though you were dark, you would be like the morning.
¹⁸ And you would be secure, because there is hope;
Yes, you would dig around you, and take your rest in safety.
¹⁹ You would also lie down, and no one would make you afraid;
Yes, many would court your favor.

This is just so sweet and I felt God being really with me, talking to me, telling me what I gotta do. And this is not something that just randomly happens every once in a while. This is not the first time God spoke to me through His Holy Word, and I truly believe Him, if You seek Him with all your heart, you shall truly find Him. :)

HappyNewYearBoooom! :)

Okay. Hey, 2013. I hope we'll get along well. Yay.

13 New Year's Resolution (no order really):
1. Be a lady (this resolution still has subs on it. Too lazy to write 'em all down, so I guess let's just wait for results)
2. Study more diligently
3. Be more organized
4. Help in the household chores
5. Don't miss a single thing (whatever it is 'cept gossip, I can miss that)
6. Control tongue
7. Read 70 novels
8. Write with passion! (Please, please, please)
9. Treat everyone special everyday.
10. Save money!
11. Limit time spent on internet
12. Love purely, selflessly, honestly
13. MOST IMPORTANTLY, grow more into love in Christ

Well, I don't really know what it means to have um, a NY's resolution. Is it something that we want to see or what we want to do? Well, even my question was confusing. He he. Anyways, I just surrender it all to God. It is never easy to do something, especially when it involves change. Most of the times, we do not need to wait for another year to come for us to get into change, we have to get into it soon as we found out that the sack we're in isn't the right one.

I want to feel an overwhelming and pure joy throughout this year and the years to come. When I look back, it seems like too much happened when it feels like it was just 2012 few days ago, well, life. Hihi.

I guess we just have to make and grab the most out of it.