I don't know how to describe how it feels. I want to go all smart-sassy about it, and just say how cool all this is right now, but no, I feel like I am walking along a wet roadside under the heavy rains, and I don't care where I end up. I feel like I keep turning to the left, right, back--trying to figure out if I missed something that's vital to my departure. I keep looking around to see who else are with me. And, I don't know. It feels totally weird.
I have been in school since the first thing I could fetch from my memory (I got into school before I turned two years old), and now: I am over it. I've been dreaming this since I realized that the desks and black/whiteboards aren't for me, but now that I'm here, I feel totally lost.
Not that I don't know where I'm going, because, I am quite sure where I am headed to. But the smell of the memories just gets on top of me most of the time. Like, a while ago, I just returned to my high school alma mater to fetch a form I need for my college graduation, and I just had to choke the lingering nostalgia to shut it up. I mean, I didn't wanna go on walking the staircase with tears doing a show for me, did I?
And all these things, these photos, they just creep up out of nowhere (well, out of some attempt to commemorate the beautiful past before the grand blast) and they just make me go crazy. I miss the people so badly. And then, I will realize how lengthy this road had already been. Too long that it's not meant for another block... no, of course not!
And now, I am wondering if I have seized this 5-year season of my life enough to let it go, and to move forward. And I don't know. Nevertheless, as I said from a post a year ago: I would rather have nothing be altered. I have been crafted the woman I am right now through the experiences and people woven within my veins to my heart. I wouldn't have the words and the tears and the laughter and the smiles I have right now had it not been brought by all these little pieces of the crazy-I-am.
In this time of my life, I know I have lived and loved. I have failed and discovered. I have been wounded and redeemed. It's a crazy shuttle of losts and finds. It's an adventure indeed. It is the memory of my lifetime. In it, I felt young and wild, as I experienced adulthood and decision-making. There have been so many people, too many people, I think. And all of them are droplets to this little existence. Their essence is acknowledged, and it is just impossible to be where I am sitting right now, had it not been caused by the words, stories, walks, runs, fireworks, trips, rains, sunrises, and sunsets that occurred in this bittersweet moment of my little known life.
The dreams of the people I started loving from this chapter creep through me, and they caused me prayers for their welfare. That all be well for all and each of them. That love may abound in their lives. And that life will be so much more greens and plenty.
The prejudices and the hurts, I leave to the past. All the hopes and promises shall be girded in my heart and memory. Things will falter and the roads will go steeper. The end of this, is well, as we all know, another's beginning. An exciting journey.
To the questions unanswered. To the confusions. To the failures yet to come. All to growth and all for the portrayal of a grace boundless!
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