Concrete Girl (from the album New Way to be Human) is a song written and performed by the American band Switchfoot, which is also a super-favorite band of mine (because I love their music and the poetic atmosphere in their songs). Most of the time, for a morning jumpstarter from my playlist, I play Switchfoot's groovy songs (e.g. Awakening, You Already Take Me There).
Anyway
This is the first time I'm gonna feature something like this on my blog just because
Last night or yesterafternoon, I was in the office (the site of my internship) and I was reprimanded. I cried in front of my boss. For (more or less) 30 minutes. And I don't understand why. Why was I doing that? I'm a total failure, I thought... while crying... and I cried even more. I was so fragile, I could be broken even more than I was already broken. From pieces to more pieces.
I was sorry I did cry. My boss really was sorry. She said she was, she even texted me last night. That makes things feel even more miserable. I made someone feel bad about herself. And while I was thinking that while I was crying in front of her while she's saying sorry to me, I cried even more.
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And then I rode the fx to home. Along the way, I put on my headphones and listened to music. Concrete Girl of Switchfoot played first. Here's how it goes:
Bleeding thoughts
Cracking boulder
Don't fall over
Fake your laughter
Burn the tear
Sing it louder
Twist and shout
Way up here
We stand on shoulders
Growing colder
Laugh or cry
I won't mind
Sing it louder
Twist and shout
Immovable shadows
The concrete girl
They'll rock your world to nothing
And they're swimming around again, again
And they're swimming around
The concrete girl
Catch your breath like four-leaf clover
Hand it over
Scream to no one
Take your time
Sing it louder
Twist and shout
Nothing to run from is worse than something
And all your fears of nothing
And they're swimming around again, again
And they're swimming around
The concrete girl
Concrete girl don't fall down
In this broken world around you
Concrete girl don't fall down
Don't fall down my concrete girl
Don't stop thinking
Don't stop feeling now
One step away from where we were
And one step back to nothing
And we're standing on top of our hopes and fears
And we're fighting for words now concrete girl
And we're swimming around again, again
And we're swimming around now
Concrete girl
(lyrics via azlyrics.com)
Then, what did I do while listening to this song, aside from hitting the "repeat current song" in the settings? I cried even more, yea, but, I reflected just like how heroines in movies do. I looked out the window and watched the fast-paced world, this concrete world. I watched the city lights. I watched the people. I tried to see where I am in this sea of people. I am drowned in this sea of people, but someone's telling me to not fall down in this broken world around me. I was like oh, Switchfoot, thank you so much!
It was like God was playing the song to me. It was like He was holding my hand, telling me, don't fall down.
When you say something's concrete, it is something made of hard material. For me, when the surface of something is concrete, it serves to protect something that's fragile within it. I've always believed that I was strong and that no one could make me falter aside from myself. I can do things myself, I can cry on my own and stand up on my own. With what has happened, I feel like I failed myself. I don't know if I failed my mask or if my mask failed me. (I need to put on a different mask). I cried and let someone see that I am so broken. Of course, what they see is that I was crying because I was scolded. No, they're wrong. My boss didn't have to say sorry.
I was crying because I was so broken. I'm afraid for myself. I'm afraid to end up miserable forever in the same type of job or career. I'm afraid that my dreams wouldn't come true. I'm afraid about everything that hasn't happened yet. I was a total failure. I chose the monetary benefits over what could probably make me happy (because I earn allowance in my internship). I've always promised myself that I would never let myself choose high profits over my dreams but
And I broke down. The concrete girl I thought I was shattered because I hit concrete ground. When a weaker concrete hits another concrete, she gets broken. I was so embarrassed for crying because it felt like I bared myself in front of everyone, showing what I've always learned to hide. I prefer crying behind doors than in front of everyone's eyes.
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Switchfoot is right. I shouldn't fall down. The world is already broken! Why add myself there. I could never accept that I am fragile, because I think that that's for beautiful women with delicate skin only, women of my type has no other option but to be strong. I don't want to be fragile because that's for heroines of cliche storylines only. But anyway, I am fragile so that makes me a heroine. So, I need to allow God to rebuild me. I need to allow the Lord to be my concrete walls which will never break down.
Thanks, Switchfoot for this music.
Concrete girls out there, don't fall down in this broken world around you. X
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