The Thinking Therapy

Distractions. They say you need to be distracted from whatever it is that keeps you sad. Distractions like hanging out with friends, watching movies, reading, etc. I'd say I want to be distracted. I want my thoughts be kept away from whatever it is that's lingering and piercing in my heart. But that makes me feel even sadder.

Apparently, I'm sad. For some reasons, I'm sad. I am still functional though. I can carry on the whole day, I can still do my chores, I can still do some things that I wanna do. Yea, just some. But the sadness is whispering to me, calling my attention. It just wants to be attended to.

I try to read, watch stuff, but I can't. I find it hard to divert my attention to other matters. I find it hard to add information into my head. The emotion is demanding. The only things I can do are the things that don't require much thinking (eg hanging around in Pinterest, doing crafts, cleaning, organizing), those activities that keep me moving. I need to do something so I wouldn't be stuck thinking.

I wanna talk about the pain that is in my chest, but I know no one would understand me. People who'd come to me with the same hurt that I have right now would look really pathetic to me. I think I'm just sinking in a shallow body of water, and I can find my way out anytime, but I just can't. That makes me look stupid. I probably just don't know how to deal with this kind of pain. And that adds to my sadness. Obviously, a lot of things pile up to my sadness and boom, this makes my heart wanna explode.

So, distractions won't work, talking doesn't seem fit, I am left to one thing: thinking. I am thinking about the pain. I am thinking about it the time I'm writing this. I feel it pierce my heart with very little needles. I am just so hurt and I'm thinking about how much it hurts.

They say as much as possible don't think about it! Just let it go or avoid allowing yourself from thinking. But I can't. I find the avoidance hard, I'm being called by the pain. It impedes my life from moving forward. I need to do something about it! And that something I thought is to think of it. Think of it until I grew tired of the pain, and all I can do is let it go (but hey, I've been letting it go, it just won't go away).

Thinking helps me face the pain. It helps me face the sadness that's eating me. It helps me talk to what's hurting me, like, "Hey, what do you want? What would keep you away?". And I can talk to my heart and say, "What's wrong with you, fragile one? Why are you being so stupid again?". And as I get more delved into thinking, I get to understand all the lines connected to the pain. It makes my head clearer. It makes it easier to accept what hurts me. It makes the pain-giver look nothing.

I'm giving myself this therapy right now, well, together with the distractions and some small talking. But, of course, I've to do it only when I'm in bed, if I do it the whole day then I need some kind of other major therapies. Thinking therapy is a lot like the concept of flooding in Psychology. I'm exposing myself to the cause of "unwellness".

Despite the time I've spent thinking, I'm still sad though. I'm hoping I'll recover from this blow. Well, that's life. It's painful and confusing for the most part of it. But I think I'll get better. I hope I'll get better.